i walk in to find you leaving
i try to say hello and you say goodbye
you never want to be near me anymore
and i know why
lonely and lost feelings wash over me
as the feeling of friendship and love disappear
lost in a whirlwind of emotion
watching you leave
knowing it is over for good
I like it. You should consider another poem from the other person's perspective.
No relationship is truly equal when one is running to and the other is running
from.
I'm glad that you have chosen my title and
thanks a lot for mentioning me! but ot was really unnecessary!
as I told you the poem is really good and beautiful
keep it up
You must be a glutton for punishment? What with her in your "watch
list", yet you complain when she does anything? Kind of hard to feel any
sympathy for you, don't you agree?
i have a feeling that there is more going on behind this little poem than meets
the eye....
very sad good cautch of that emotion. keep it up your doing great.
i agree with animefreak3 , shoku if you dont want to see hers stuff take her off
your watch list. unless she is a friend
that is really sad... Do you feel sadness for now ?
it's a great period of year... forget the bad feelings and just think of nice
things (like me )
love and kisses
First of all I would dismiss any comments that have measured this poem by the
meter (or yards for the non metrics).
It washed me in a feeling that I know well and am glad not to still be
suffering. The questions it brings are intriguing and seems to leave you as the
naughty or failed person ultimately (you are always very brave this way). I find
it interesting that you have made one rhyme and not again. It works and the
meter (rhythm) works perfectly as it slows and shortens at the same time. It's
sad, atmospheric and very beautiful. You paint yourself as vulnerable very
realistically and I can put myself in this poem.
lonely and lost feelings wash over me
as the feeling of friendship and love disappear
you used feeling twice, too close to each other. how about
lonely and lost feelings wash over me.
as friendship and love disappear
but i actually would rid the word feeling entirely, but since it is your poem i
do not want to attempt to make any such drastic changes. take more time eh? read
it out loud to yourself and hear if it flows the way it should. cheers.
i walk in to find you leaving
i try to say hello and you say goodbye
you never want to be near me anymore
and i know why
lonely and lost feelings wash over me
as the feeling of friendship and love disappear
lost in a whirlwind of emotion
watching you leave
knowing it is over for good
be gentle if you must critique
thx Rikimaru for the help
This is a really sad poem.Full of emotion. Good job!
Good job...Nice sad song
so sad but why?
I critique. You write too much.
Wow very beautiful poem.
sad poem....it's nice ^^ keep it up^^
I like it. You should consider another poem from the other person's perspective. No relationship is truly equal when one is running to and the other is running from.
I'm glad that you have chosen my title
and
thanks a lot for mentioning me! but ot was really unnecessary!
as I told you the poem is really good and beautiful
keep it up
hmmmm this is good BlkLotus. keep it up
I like this one, it's very, well, almost haiku is it's structure (less traditional ones.)...I like it a lot...
oh goodness so sad mom why so sad?
nicely written
it's tragic but a bit too short to really bring out the feeling
So.... sad Q_Q
gives me the feeling of loneliness.......
Very good with expressing the emotion.....
that is vary sad owell have a happy hollodays
Hmmm, the why?
merged: 12-11-2005 ~ 12:30pm
You must be a glutton for punishment? What with her in your "watch list", yet you complain when she does anything? Kind of hard to feel any sympathy for you, don't you agree?
i have a feeling that there is more going on behind this little poem than meets the eye....
very sad good cautch of that emotion. keep it up your doing great.
i agree with animefreak3 , shoku if you dont want to see hers stuff take her off your watch list. unless she is a friend
that is really sad... Do you feel sadness for now ?
)
it's a great period of year... forget the bad feelings and just think of nice things (like me
love and kisses
First of all I would dismiss any comments that have measured this poem by the meter (or yards for the non metrics).
It washed me in a feeling that I know well and am glad not to still be suffering. The questions it brings are intriguing and seems to leave you as the naughty or failed person ultimately (you are always very brave this way). I find it interesting that you have made one rhyme and not again. It works and the meter (rhythm) works perfectly as it slows and shortens at the same time. It's sad, atmospheric and very beautiful. You paint yourself as vulnerable very realistically and I can put myself in this poem.
lonely and lost feelings wash over me
as the feeling of friendship and love disappear
you used feeling twice, too close to each other. how about
lonely and lost feelings wash over me.
as friendship and love disappear
but i actually would rid the word feeling entirely, but since it is your poem i do not want to attempt to make any such drastic changes. take more time eh? read it out loud to yourself and hear if it flows the way it should. cheers.