Love between people in a same family...

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Barbara

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Have you ever been in this situation when you feel like you're falling in love with someone in your family like your brother/sister or cousin?
I have this friend, she's very quiet, she hardly talk to people. I help her sometimes and try to talk to her then she told me a story that a few years ago when she was 19, her parents and her went to the airport to welcome home his cousin. She and him were very close since they were kids, long time no see then when she saw him again for the first time she realized that she was falling for him. She was terrified because of that, she was not supposed to be in love with her cousin. After a while she realized that he felt the same way about her and he actually told her that he loved her, not the love between family members but the love of the guy for the girl. They knew that was wrong but they felt hopeless. At last they decided that he would went away and they had to try to forget about each other. They sent letters to each other now and then and didn't see each other in person since then. She became quiet after he left and until now she is still in love with him, many guys love her but she doesn't care, she just want to be with her cousin and she knows that can't be. She asked me for help but I can not do it myself so I asked for her permission to post her story here so that I can get advice from you guys. I really appreciate your replies. That would help a lot, on behalf of my friend, I thank you all for your time and consideration *bows*

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Holt

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This sounds like something straight out of an anime :)
How romantic ;)
i think it depends on how distant they are as cousins. The main worry is that if their genes are too alike it may cause mutations in the genes of a fufure child. So if they're from different ends of the same family tree I wouldn't think it's so bad.

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Mekou

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Teh crazy one...

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She should follow her heart. There are many things that peole deem wrong and gross in society but if a person truly belives with all thier heart that it is the path he/she wishes to choose, then I don't think anything should stand in the way.

From a scientific view I would advise them not to engage in sexual activity because it could damage the family genes.

i have nothing against it otherwise. I would never even think of doing something like that myself.

Love is truly blind, ne? Sometimes you just can't help who you fall in love with...

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Besa

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Well,I don't know these kind of things very well.But as Mekou typed
she should follow her heart BUT if their parents finds out about it
then I don't know what will happen.


( there is a manga like this actually 'the devil does exist'(akuma de sourou). )

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  • May 09, 2005

Drak

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Pretty hard for me.
I kinda agree with Holt.
I never had a situation like that in my family, but I think (since I'm a helpless romantic) I'd advise her to follow her heart, just like Mekou wrote.

But, if she wants to forget about him, then I'd advise her to go out with one of those guys that feel in love with her.

The decision should be hers to make though.

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Lodigo

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uhhm
sry barbara i really don't know what to say
i am muslim and for me it is forbidden to do such things
and if my family would find out i guess they would kill me
Damn this is so bad
uhmm *thinking*
take her to some club or something that she meet other guys or something
and if it wont work
then im hopeless
(im just a 15 year old guy dont know much about that stuff)

i know that she must follow her heart but i think they will get a lot of problems with that
and i heared if you marry with the same family and you will get children that the children will be un healthy (dunno if it is true)
AHHHH
*thinking again*
damn
if it dont work just do what she want to
it is here own life and she have to decide what she want to do
maybe what i said to take her to a club or something to meet other people
i hope that will help

well..good luck

see you later and have a nice day :)

EternalParadox

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EternalParadox

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A few days ago I read a thread about loving your sister....

This obviously is very different. She seems to have never gotten over that past and it has even affected her personality.

The answer to her problem lies in how strong her love (or their love) is. I will say that if they love each other enough and they are willing to face society's judgments, then by all means go for it.

Putting all the scientific discussion of genetics aside. If they are willing to face all the obstacles that will inevitably come their way along that path, if they can look at each other and the world in the eye and say without a doubt "this is what I want because I love you," then it is the path to be taken. Your friend obviously has very deep feelings for him, and thus she should not have to force herself to change her heart simply because of social condemnation.

In the end, it's his and her decision alone. Neither you, nor I, nor anyone else can make that decision. But that is also the beauty of love. So spontaneous, so brilliant, yet also so painful.

I will not make any moral judgments, it is not my place nor my right. But I do wish her luck in whatever she decides. Life and love are too precious to all of us.

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  • May 09, 2005

Kidder

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yeah cousin's getting married/falling in love is kind of taboo in most cultures. The main reason why it's discouraged is that gene's that are too similar will result in birth defects. For example the British Royal Family use to have a lot of inbreeding which lead to many inherited diseases.

I'd be torn between advising her to follow her heart and telling her not to do anything. I'm a bit of a romantic and I think there's a special person for everyone. ^^

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Barbara

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Quote by HoltThis sounds like something straight out of an anime :)How romantic ;)
i think it depends on how distant they are as cousins. The main worry is that if their genes are too alike it may cause mutations in the genes of a fufure child. So if they're from different ends of the same family tree I wouldn't think it's so bad.

The guy that she loves is very close to her, his father is her father's older brother. His and her family used to live in the same house since those two were born and he left to another country for studying when he was 17 or 18 as I remember, now he is 29 or 30 I think, she is the same age as mine which is 23.
I didn't read or watch much anime, if there's a story similar to this in anime, how would they do?

Quote by MekouShe should follow her heart. There are many things that peole deem wrong and gross in society but if a person truly belives with all thier heart that it is the path he/she wishes to choose, then I don't think anything should stand in the way.
From a scientific view I would advise them not to engage in sexual activity because it could damage the family genes.
i have nothing against it otherwise. I would never even think of doing something like that myself.
Love is truly blind, ne? Sometimes you just can't help who you fall in love with...


I think of it too, but since they are too close and as I know he is still in love with her also, it's kind of giving me a headache thinking about this situation. And let's say if they follow their heart and say everything goes well then a marriage might be happened, what kind of marriage without sexual activity anyway, I think it's terrible if they can not have children, she thought of that too when they thought of getting married without parents' permission but then she was so down of the idea that they can not have kids together, it'll obviously cause birth defects since they are too close :(

Quote by BesaWell,I don't know these kind of things very well.But as Mekou typed
she should follow her heart BUT if their parents finds out about it
then I don't know what will happen.
( there is a manga like this actually 'the devil does exist'(akuma de sourou). )


Yep, if her parents find out, I don't know but it will be disaster for sure.

Quote by DrakPretty hard for me.I kinda agree with Holt.
I never had a situation like that in my family, but I think (since I'm a helpless romantic) I'd advise her to follow her heart, just like Mekou wrote.
But, if she wants to forget about him, then I'd advise her to go out with one of those guys that feel in love with her.
The decision should be hers to make though.


The worst thing is she is now depressed and can not think of anything, I have to stay with her last night which was a very strange thing since she never has friend stay overnight. Her parents stared at me like I'm a alien or something but they didn't say anything.

Quote by MrSixkiller89uhhmsry barbara i really don't know what to say
i am muslim and for me it is forbidden to do such things
and if my family would find out i guess they would kill meDamn this is so bad
uhmm *thinking*
take her to some club or something that she meet other guys or something
and if it wont workthen im hopeless
(im just a 15 year old guy dont know much about that stuff)


Thanks for trying to help here, as I wrote above, many guys love her but she didn't care, she's so quiet that makes her more attractive to them, I don't know why though but I have to admit that she is very pretty and she studies very well too but she didn't talk to anyone. I'm the only one try to talk to her and help her when needed. Since I be her friend I saw many guys coming and talk to her, she just smiled but didn't say anything, they invited her to go for a drink, she went but didn't talk much. I don't understand why they kept coming and said that they loved her since she refused all and obviously didn't try to impress any of them. So I think taking her to some clubs is not a good idea though :(

Quote by EternalParadox She seems to have never gotten over that past and it has even affected her personality.
The answer to her problem lies in how strong her love (or their love) is. I will say that if they love each other enough and they are willing to face society's judgments, then by all means go for it.
Putting all the scientific discussion of genetics aside. If they are willing to face all the obstacles that will inevitably come their way along that path, if they can look at each other and the world in the eye and say without a doubt "this is what I want because I love you," then it is the path to be taken. Your friend obviously has very deep feelings for him, and thus she should not have to force herself to change her heart simply because of social condemnation.
In the end, it's his and her decision alone. Neither you, nor I, nor anyone else can make that decision. But that is also the beauty of love. So spontaneous, so brilliant, yet also so painful.
I will not make any moral judgments, it is not my place nor my right. But I do wish her luck in whatever she decides. Life and love are too precious to all of us.


The only thing she knows is that she deeply in love with her cousin, but she doesn't dare to face with their family and society, when I'm asking her to give me permission to post this thread she didn't allow me to but then I said that I would not say about her name or anything that makes the others can guess who she is then she let me post this.
I feel weird though, she is actually very pretty and many people want to be with her but she hasn't been in love with anyone except her cousin. I'm gonna be sick. I want to help her so bad but I feel useless right now.

Quote by Kidderyeah cousin's getting married/falling in love is kind of taboo in most cultures. The main reason why it's discouraged is that gene's that are too similar will result in birth defects. For example the British Royal Family use to have a lot of inbreeding which lead to many inherited diseases.
I'd be torn between advising her to follow her heart and telling her not to do anything. I'm a bit of a romantic and I think there's a special person for everyone. ^^


Yep, there's a special person for everyone and a special for my friend here is her cousin. And because she knows this kind of love is taboo so she is in deep sorrow now. I just became her friend like about 3 months now and I didn't see her happy one single day. And a couple of days ago I knew the secret of her life, I actually can't imagine there's a love like that in real life.

I just received a phone call from her. His cousin called and he will come back in a few days, what should I do, help, she was crying, I have to come to her house now, please help >_<

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world
- Bill Wilson -

BorisGrishenko

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while I favor familial love, I don't favor that kind of love in that situation. Family love good. Family lust bad.

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  • May 09, 2005

EternalParadox

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Well, she may not dare what society thinks at this point, nonetheless she will still have to face the world if they decide to continue in a longterm relationship.

i admire your desire to help her; I would help my friend too. But, to be perfectly honest, this is a decision that she herself must make.

I know I sound very cruel and heartless saying that, but you must realize that you are not feeling the type of love she is feeling and that she is the one who must live with the consequences of the decision she makes. Whatever help you may give, whatever advice we may provide, they lack the gravity of that choice, a choice that is hers and hers alone.

I will repeat what I said earlier. Your friend must take a deep look within herself. The human heart is always difficult to fanthom. But if she loves him, and if she desires to be with him above all else, and if she has the courage to stand by her love regardless of the painful twists and turns that their relationship will bring them, then she has every right to love and live the life she desires with him.

i think the best thing you can do isn't to advice on what choice she should make, but to aid her in summoning the courage to make that choice. Because once she has that strength to make the decision, she has the strength to face the outcome. Be there for her, lend her a shoulder to cry on, but most importantly, help her find that courage.

If King Edward VIII can give up the British throne to marry the woman he loves, if the crown prince of Denmark can relinquish his heirdom to marry a commoner, then your friend can find the strength to make that decision.

Once she crosses that first hurdle, she can face the rest too.

EternalParadox
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  • May 09, 2005
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hmm i think her family is going to find out about this if she stay depress like what you said, which might cause some problem. in this suitation i don't know how to help but one thing i know is that if they do have a child. the child is not just going to be a mutant nor it will mess up the family gene. the child is just going to have higher possiblity of getting genetic disease if her family have genetic disease that is. the British Royal Family been doing lot of inbreeding through out the generation so they have higherr chance of getting genetic disease than this person and her cousin. anyway this little scientific fact is what i learn from my bio class. for the love issue i can't help since i never been in love.

from what i remember in anime story Similar to this would be Da Capo and Onegai Twins. but sadly the ending didn't have solid end, which means boy and his sister didn't marry nor run away together.

  • May 09, 2005

EternalParadox

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True, what people say about the "inevitability" of a genetically defective child isn't true. Cousins can still have a child, only the possibility of genetic problems are higher.

And one more piece of my two cents:

Please, for your friends sake, please DO NOT use anime as a basis for any advice you give. Anime is a world of fiction. Anything is possible in anime without any consequences that the director does not desire. Your friend and the love she is feeling are real. Please do not use the over simplified version of life portrayed in anime to base your advice.

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  • May 09, 2005

Rizy123

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Thats a really bad situation to be in. If they have a strong "love"..the real thing for each other then I would have to say go for it if it affecting her so badly..but be wary of the consequences and jurisdiction that people will give you..yes children is also a disadvantage..
I would say love rules all coz ima romantic but I would say ya'll bit young to be deciding that kinda stuff.. :(

Sorry if I couldnt help :sweat:

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  • May 09, 2005

Duuz

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Scary, this happend to me years ago with a cousin. I got over it. Anime is a poor example of real life situations as are anything you might see on TV or in the movies.

In every age, in every place, the deeds of men remain the same.

shyxsakura

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shyxsakura

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.... love between family members ......

personally .....

we can't do anything to help them .. that's the truth ........

i think ... that ... she should follow her heart .....

if she loves him .. she should follow her heart, and go with him .....

but, if she does go with him ... she needs to know and be prepared for a whole lot of pain and suffering .... cause people won't accept them .....

that's all saki has to say about this .. ^-^ good luck~

lana

lana

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*coughs* This reminds me of someone's story too... Ehem...

But seriously, I guess the best way that a friend like you should do on an instance like this is let her talk what she thinks and feels. You must listen to what she's saying. Since you said that she's been quiet and stuff, I guess she needs someone to talk and cry out to. I agree with someone who said earlier that she needs a friend who'll support her because the truth is, no matter how much we give advices to her, the decision is still hers and not ours. Well, if she's done pouring out her emotions and all that, ask her... ask her if what she really wanted in her life. And if she responds, ask her again if she's wholeheartedly willing to have that thing. If she said yes, well then your job is to encourage her so that she won't be depressed again. We don't want to see our friend all his/her life in pain, right?

However, there are two sides of the coin. In your friend's case, it's between her and cousin's happiness against the criticism of the society and horrible outcomes of their offspring. If she's determined to continue her relationship with her cousin, then she must face the consequences I have stated earlier. And also, this is not also her decison alone, it's a joint decision of hers and her cousin. Before anything happens, I guess she and her cousin must talk at the first place. So I think that it's luck that she isn't alone on this. But I think this one trial in her life that God has given her and I wish her good luck. ^_^

i hope I had helped in some ways.

  • May 09, 2005

Asakura-Hao

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Quote by shyxsakura.... love between family members ......personally .....
we can't do anything to help them .. that's the truth ........
i think ... that ... she should follow her heart .....
if she loves him .. she should follow her heart, and go with him .....
but, if she does go with him ... she needs to know and be prepared for a whole lot of pain and suffering .... cause people won't accept them .....
that's all saki has to say about this .. ^-^ good luck~


I agree with shyxsakura. ^_^

She should follow her heart and trust herself at times like this.
Also be prepared for many painful situations they both might go through.
It's hard for people in their situation to get others to accept them because of what they feel like and stuff.

I hope things go well for your friend. :3

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aeiifreakazoid123

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Here's a solution for her, have them get married in anouther country, gay people do it all the time and probably would work for people who have incest. I had incest on my cousin once too, but it wasn't as bad, I still think she's gorgeous though :D . The point is she should follow her heart. The law says you can't get married to a family member but it doesn't say you can't fall in love with them and be with them. If going to anouther country doesn't work, then just don't have her get married, it's a simple solution.

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  • May 09, 2005

zephiris26

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I don't see anything wrong with it, love is love. You can't help who you love.

Dragus

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Geez that is a tuff one to chew, if her cousin is on a stepside like step-mother or step-father i guess cause that could work it would mean they weren't blood related but incest is serious so if she has made up her mind to be with her cousin i hope she has considered the consequences for they could be huge.

Just think it through before making a decision, don't want to make up your mind only to regret it.

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Kuzain

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There isn't any biological force that keeps cousins from being attracted to each other, it's purely cultural. And in a number of cultures it isn't unusual for cousins to get married. And there is some data to suggest that there is only a very minimal risk to any offspring produced by the union of two cousins. So I guess it's not a terrible thing, though many states in the US have laws against it.
So long as it doesn't happen often, anyway.

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ramchong

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Quote by HoltThis sounds like something straight out of an anime :)
How romantic ;)
i think it depends on how distant they are as cousins. The main worry is that if their genes are too alike it may cause mutations in the genes of a fufure child. So if they're from different ends of the same family tree I wouldn't think it's so bad.

100% + 1% = 101% agree!!!

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Sunira

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Yeah it might be a bad idea. Especially if the genes are too close...
..its been proven that the offspring of close relatives are significantly weaker in physical and mental health than those of unrelated people. Plus...it kind of sounds like she wants what she cant have just because she cant have it...sometimes that happens to people. :-/ Otherwise...after such a long time...why is she still so immersed in it? I really dont believe in 'the one' person for someone..so maybe you should talk to her about being more open minded and see other guys seriously. Plus, if theres no hint that the other cousin is going to come back and marry her or something, then shes waiting around on nothing. :(

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