Wanna hear some lame jokes?

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s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Hiya everyone.......How are ya doing in MT? Ok! Lets just goes straight to the point......

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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.
" My dog is so smart," says the the first owner," that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come round. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper for me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."

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Mrs Janet was helping her seven-year-old son, Jeffery,make balloon animals. He was using a hand pump, which require enormous effort. To encourage him, she said, "It's hard to do, but it's good for your forearms."
"I only have two arms!" he yelled.

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These Two Green Beans are crossing the freeway when one of them is hit by a truck. His friend scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital. After hours of surgery, the doctor says," I have good news and bad news."
The healthy green bean says, "OK, give me the good news first."
"Well...he's going to live."
"So, whats the bad news?"
"The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

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After living in our house for four years, we were moving. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so we could start loading all of the boxers. Just then, one of our neighbours came walking across the lawn carrying a plate of muffins.
"Itn't that thoughtful?" my husband said to me. "They must have realised we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbour stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighbourhood!"

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NURSE: Can i take your pulse?
PATIENT: Why? Haven't ya got one of your own?

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NICK: I've change my mind
MIKE: Thank goodness! Does the new one work any better?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Well......thats all friends. I need a break from typing non-stop.Very much hope ya enjoy this jokes. Please review k? Sayounara.......

Please share any jokes if ya one here.....

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

Lumella

Lumella

Codename: Crimson

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Yeah... Partly lame except for the first one....

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s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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I know its lame, thats what i call this thread......How to delete this ridiculous thread...if there's a way.....Onegai!

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

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I have one to add. I can't take credit for it as I heard it from the jester veteran reward in EQ. It is the only one I can remember, but it is generic enough. I don't remember it word for word, but still have the basic joke. If I remember I'll edit later with the full joke and maybe add some more, but I can't use the jester again until around 5pm est if I remember correctly.

"My puns have been getting worse so I must be groaning up."

  • Aug 13, 2005
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You whant a lame joke this is lame.

A frog walkes in to a bank and goes up to the teller, the teller lookes at the frog and says "hello my name is Paty Wack how can I help you"
the frog looks up at Paty Wack and says "hello I am Peter Jagure, and I would like a loan to by a new house"
Paty looks at the frog "do you have any colatoral, any thing to secure againsest the loan" she says
"colatoral, i did not know I need anythng, my fathers a friend of the managers and he said come in and it will all be taken care of"
Paty stares at the frog "well i am sorry we cant give you a loan with out some thing to securit againes"
The frog thinks for a moment and reaches in to his pocket and pull out a small crystal bear "will this do?, like i siad the managers a friend of my dads"
Paty takes the bear looks at it and at the frog and decieds to go and see the manager to find out what is going on.
Paty knocks on the managers door goes in and says to the manager "sir there is a frog at the desk called Peter Jagure he says your a friend of his dads, he whants a load to buy a house but when i asked him for colateral some thing to secure againest the load he gave me this" holding up the bear "what is it"
The manager lookes at Paty and says
(Here it is the lameest punch line in history)
"It's a Nick Nack, Paty Wack, give the Frog a Loan, his old Mans a Rolling Stone"

That is with out dout the lamest jock in history.

  • Aug 13, 2005

kazuki-

kazuki-

luvinksz baybe tran.. [ x3 ]

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wahhh and i thought my jokez were lame now.....

  • Aug 13, 2005

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Awww.......................I'am so bustard>_<
Why do i ever make this thread!

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

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The worst:
"Two people walk into a bar......... boom boom"
"How can you tell when a Lawyer is lying?".... His lips are moving"
Cheers


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  • Aug 14, 2005

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Quote by AdventSXThe worst:"Two people walk into a bar......... boom boom"
"How can you tell when a Lawyer is lying?".... His lips are moving"Cheers


Thats a good lame one...hahaha

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

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Trust me, ive got more, just dont wanna type them for fear of being murdered for lameness^^
Cheers


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  • Aug 14, 2005

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Quote by AdventSXTrust me, ive got more, just dont wanna type them for fear of being murdered for lameness^^
Cheers

Hey no sweat......just type all ya lame jokes. I really enjoy them^_^Onegaiii

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

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two peanuts were wlaking down a dark alley... then all of a sudden, one of them was assulted
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count, and those who cant
What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer
What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs
Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs"
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise
Cheers


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  • Aug 14, 2005

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Quote by AdventSXtwo peanuts were wlaking down a dark alley... then all of a sudden, one of them was assulted
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count, and those who cant
What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer
What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs
Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs"
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguiseCheers

Hahaha....*can't stop laugthing...Ya the best pal!

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

kazuki-

kazuki-

luvinksz baybe tran.. [ x3 ]

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Quote by AdventSXThe worst:"Two people walk into a bar......... boom boom"
"How can you tell when a Lawyer is lying?".... His lips are moving"Cheers


Ehh i dont get that......

  • Aug 14, 2005

Silvandragon17

Silvandragon17

The Rising Fighting Spirit

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Hehe sorry if this won't make much sense. I'm attempting to translate a joke from the newspaper.

A gentleman sees a homeless beggar in a very bad condition, by the gates of his mansion. He feels bad for him and thinks to give him some money. He says. "Here, take these $3 and go buy yourself a pack of cigarettes." The beggar responds " No, thank you. I don't smoke.
"Hmm, then take these $5 and go buy a beer", says the gentleman. "Thank you, but I don't drink." The gentleman then says, "Hmm, ok, take these $10 and go get a woman".
"Thank you sir, but I don't do that either", said the beggar. The gentleman looks at him with a surprised look on his face, then says. "All right, you know what? Here, take $100, and come with me to my wife, so she can see how a man that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and doesn't go to women, looks like."

Sorry, very lame, it's sorta funny in my language.

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Society is a masked ball, where everyone hides his real character, and reveals it in hiding. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Quote by Silvandragon17Hehe sorry if this won't make much sense. I'm attempting to translate a joke from the newspaper.
A gentleman sees a homeless begger in a very bad condition, by the gates of his mansion. He feels bad for him and thinks to give him some money. He says. "Here, take these $3 and go buy yourself a pack of cigarretes." The begger responds " No, thanks you. I don't smoke."
"Hmm, then take these $5 and go buy a beer", says the gentleman. "Thank you, but I don't drink." The gentleman then says, "Hmm, ok, take these $10 and go get a woman".
"Thank you sir, but I don't do that either", said the begger. The gentleman looks at him with a surprised look on his face, then says. "All right, you know what? Here, take $100, and come with me to my wife, so she can see how a man that doesn't smoke, drink, and doesn't go to women, looks like."
Sorry, very lame, it's sorta funny in my language.


Thats really a BIG joke. Ahhhhhh...I can't stop myself from laugthing*hahaha*Someone help me!

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

Duuz

Duuz

Master of Disaster

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People have wanted to kill me for this one.

The Legend of the Great Ape

One day a Photographer learned of a legendary Great Ape, people would come from miles to see this creature. The Photographer sent out messages hopeing some one would tell him where to find this Great Ape. Day after day, the photographer waited and waited. Paitiently he hoped some one would tell him where he could find this Great Ape. The days turned to weeks and week to months before a wildlife expert contacted the Photographer, this expert knew of the Great Ape and would take the Photographer to see it. But there was an important ground rule. "You must never touch the Great Ape." The Photographer was confused but understood and agreed.

So the next day they set out by car traveling over land going south. 20 miles, 40 miles, 80 miles, 160 miles, 320 miles. Endless hours were spent just driveing along, they had to stop for gas at this point. At the gas station the Attendant pumped the gas saying "We don't git too many people out here in these parts. Where are you fellows heading?" The Wildlife Expert said "I am taking him to see the Great Ape." The Attendant looked concerned, and in a worried voice asked "You did tell him not to touch the Great Ape right?" The Wildlife Expert calmly replied, "Yes I told him, and don't worry I'll be there to see that he doesn't."

Back into the car the Wildlife Expert and Photographer continued the trip. 1 hour seemed like 2, time just creeped by slowly. The drove through a desert, out of range of any radio stations to entertain themselves. 2 hours, 4 hours, 8 hours, it seemed like an endless journey, they would take turns driving at this point with the Wildlife Expert giving directions. It was a very long trip, until the desert turned into fields of grass and eventually the came upon a jungle. Surely the Photographer thought this is near where the Great Ape lived. They drove into near the jungle to a village, the Villagers all gathered around to see who the visiters to their humble home was. They knew the Wildlife Expert but the Photographer was a stranger to them.

The village chief welcomed the Wildlife Expert as an old friend, was wondered what biusness has brought him back here? The Wildlife Expert explained that his friend here the Photographer was interested in getting a picture of the Great Ape. After hearing that the Village Chief got very serious, looked at the Photographer and said "Be careful, and no matter what you do. Don't ever touch the Great Ape. Understand?". The Photographer feeling a little put off by the Village Chief's tone of voice replied "Yes, I understand. I must never touch the Great Ape." They all went to sleep for the night.

The next day bright and early the Wildlife Expert led the Photographer and a few other into the jungle. He told them to bring plenty of water and something to eat as it's a 40 mile walk to the Great Ape's lair. So they set off, there was no trail to follow they had to hack their way through the jungle. The Wildlife Expert took the lead, keeping his eyes on the look out for dangers like giant snakes, lions, tigers or crocodiles. Fearlessly they trekked on and didn't see so much as a few mosquitos that kept harassing them the whole walk. Hacking and chopping their way through the jungle the Wildlife Expert pointed out to the Photographer "That right there is our destination, that mountain". It was a good 12 hours away, but some how they got there and set up camp.

It was then the Wildlife Expert told the Photographer, "The Great Ape is at the top of this mountian, we'll have to climb it. Now remember don't touch the Great Ape." The Photographer made it clear he remembered that fact and began his climb up the mountain. "How far up are we going?" the Photographer asked. About 1500 feet Wildlife Expert confermed, a daunting task. It was about sundown by the time the reached the summit. The Wildlife Expert then told the Photographer "The Great Ape is in a cave just around that corner there. Go get your picture now, but remember don't touch the Great Ape."

The Photographer slowly moved around the mountain's edge and spotted a cave with metal bars at it's entrance. This is it! He thought to himself, all he needs is one good picture. He walked up the bars and looked inside. Just then the Great Ape lunged at him, but was blocked by the bars. Terrified the Photographer quickly stepped back and started wildly takeing as many photos has he could in his paniced state. Back he went to the Wildlife Expert who asked, "Did you get your picture?" Relived the Photographer said, "Yes, yes I got it.". Then the Wildlife Expert asked "Did you touch him?". Suprised by this question the Photographer responded no.

So the task completed the group climbed back down the mountain. This was a much easier trip this time, but the jungle had grown back so once again they had to hack their way through the jungle. 40 miles walking again the next day. All the way through the jungle they went and after the 40 miles they returned to the village. The villagers gathered around, these were both friends now. The Village Chief please they were both alright looked at the Photographer and asked, "Did you touch the Great Ape?". "No." answered the Photographer, "I got my pictures, but did not touch the Great Ape.". Please by this the village had a feast that night. And the next day the Photographer and Wildlife Expert got in their car and went back into the desert.

Driving the endless hours through wide open spaces of sand and rocks for miles and miles. Hours and hours went by until they got to the gas station to refuel. The Attendant remember them, how could he forget. The Attendant asked the Photographer "So did ya git you're pictures?". Pleased with himself the Photographer said "Yes, I got a few of them." Then the Attendant asked "Ya didn't touch the Great Ape, did ya?" Tired of this comment the Photographer said dryly "No, I already know, don't ever touch the Great Ape." The Attendant happy with that filled their tank, and wished them a good day.

Heading back north, back home to the big city. The distance was great but the Photographer could not wait to get home and develop the pictures he had taken. Though he had paniced, some of the pictures had to be good ones. 20 miles, 40 miles, 80 miles, 160 miles, 320 miles. Endless hours were spent just driveing along. They entered the city, the Photographer said good bye and thank the Wildlife Expert for his help. That night the Photographer developed his pictures, they all turned out great. Not a problem with them, the Photographer went to bed but he was not completely satisfied. It kept bugging him. Why is no one to touch the Great Ape?

The question bothered him so much the next day he got into his car and drove back the distance. 20 miles, 40 miles, 80 miles, 160 miles, 320 miles. Endless hours were spent just driveing along, they had to stop for gas at this point. At the gas station the Attendant saw the Photographer return and had to know "What brings you back to these parts?" Quickly thinking of an excuse the Photographer lied, "Those pictures didn't turn out that good, I'm going back for more." The Attendant understood, people can make mistakes even professionals, but the Attendant had to remind him, "Well ok, but don't touch that Great Ape." Agitated the Photographer snapped back Yeah yeah yeah, I know that already.".

Into his car went the Photographer driving fast as he wanted to get this over with. The trip still felt like it was takeing just as long no matter how much faster he drove. For miles and miles, hour after hour this trip just felt longer by himself this time. The desert seemed to be endless, even at 80 mph. After 6 hours of driving the Photographer came upon the village. The Villagers remember him still, the Village Chief welcomed him back after such a short time. But the Village Chief was wondering just what had brought the Photographer back here. The Photographer told them the same thing he told the Gas Station Attendant a few hours ago, "I need some more pictures, the ones I took weren't any good."

The Village Chief with great concern said, "I understand, I will send some one to guide you, but remember DO NOT touch THE great ape.". The Photographer has just about heard this enough, "I know I'm not to touch the Great Ape, Don't have a heart attack over this." The Photographer insisted he did not need and help this time and knew the way. So he set off into the jungle alone, hacking away through the 40 miles to the cave of the Great Ape. He beleive he knew the land and how to deal with the wild life. He didn't need any one for it this time. Through the jungle and over the river to the mountain. Then he climbed that mountain, up 1500 feet to the summit.

He then crept around the corner, and saw the Great Ape sleeping against the bars on it's cave. The Photographer saw this as the perfect opprotunity and took it! Quitely he moved up the mouth of the cave and very softly tapped the Great Ape on the shoulder like a feather.

Suddenly the Great Ape awoke, howling, and looked right at the Photographer. Then the Great Ape tore the bars from the front of the cave and came at him. In a move a complete terror the Photographer ran from the mouth of the cave and around the corner, looked back and saw the Great Ape was right behind him. In a bigger panic this time than last he started climbing down the mountian, but in his hurried state was not being careful. His foot slipped and the Photographer began tumbleing, head over heels, rolling down the mountian. He could have sworn he hit every rock on the way down. Tumbling over every rock, brush and outcrop on the side of the mountian untill he hit bottom.

Awaking from his spill, he was amazed to see he was alive, mabye a little bruised but more or less intact and ok. He looked up the mountian and saw a little shape coming down the mountian, he knew it was the Great Ape. Scared even more he left every thing behind and ran of into the jungle. He was in far to much of a hurry to hack a trail now. As far as he was running, he'd doubt any kind of wild beast could catch him. Through the jungle he ran until he returned to the village.

The Villagers saw the Photographer and notice he was bruised and his clothes looked ripped. The Village Chief looked at the Photographer and asked "What has happend to you?" Then looking into the trail the Photographer had left in the jungle, the Village Chief saw a a little shape getting bigger and closer. In horror the Village Chief yelled out "What have you done? you've touch THE great ape!". The village erupted in panic, parents grabbed their children and all The Villagers disappeared into the jungle. No one was left but the Photographer. He got into his car to make a fast get away, but the car kept stalling. Panicing he kept treing and he could hear the Great Ape getting closer and closer. He got the car started as soon as he heard the Great Ape enter the village. The Photographer hit the gas and drove as fast as the car could go.

Into through the desert the speedometer topped out at 120mph. The Photographer had never driven this fast before, he tried to remain calm. There could be no way the Great Ape could follow him now, it couldn't possible be this fast. This trip didn't feel as long the Photographer couldn't tell he was just to scared. He was almost out of gas as he pulled into the gas station, he needed a rest. The Attendant came out to fill up the gas tank, looked at the Photographer in his current state and asked "What happend?" Then the Attendant looked into the distance and saw a little shadow getting closer and bigger.

The Gas Station Attendant's eyes went wide as he hollered, "Ya did it, didn't ya, ya fool! YOU touched THE great ape!". The Attendant didn't finish refueling the Photographer's car, he got in his truck and took off away from there. Now really panicing the Photographer finished gaing his car, got back in it and turned the key. The engine was silent, all he could hear was the sound of the Great Ape getting closer and closer. Banging on the dash, curseing at his car he tried to start it up again. He got it to turn over, but it kept stalling. And the Great Ape got closer and closer. The Photographer tried one last time as he saw the shadow of the Great Ape tower over his car.

The car came to life and the Photographer once again pushed the pedal to the floor, throttle wide open got out of there fearing for his life. Every one that seen the Great Ape coming ran in terror, but the Photographer beleived the Great Ape was coming for him. By time the Photographer got back into the city he was exhausted. He got into his apartment and hide under his bed.

A few hours later, the Photographer could hear the terror in the streets. The sound of the Great Ape picking up cars and tossing them aside, people fleeing in terror. The Photographer then heard the sound of the Great Ape stop right outside his apartment, the Great Ape remembered the Photographer's car. The Photographer knew he should not have parked his car right in front of his apartment. The Great Ape tore the front door right off the apartment and entered into it. The Photographer could hear the Great Ape smashing through the place, looking for him. The Great Ape entered the bedroom, looked every where untill it noticed the bed was shakeing. The Great Ape grabbed the bed and threw it aside, leaveing the Photographer there cowering in fear.

The Photographer pleded with the Great Ape wimpering "Please...please don't hurt me." The Great Ape tapped the Photographer litely on the shoulder like a feather and said....


"TAG! YOUR it!"

In every age, in every place, the deeds of men remain the same.

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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My GOD Duuz! Ya so hardworking to type that much^_^ Tell me honetly....how long ya type that?

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

fireflywishes

Retired Moderator, Linguistics

fireflywishes

Calgon, take me away~!

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(i think this thread would be better suited for the Spam Lounge, but oh wells...)

here's one if told correctly has been known to cause questions as to my sobriety at the moment...

what kind of bees make milk?

(are you ready for this one?)

boo-bees

oh geez *runs away*

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s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Quote by fireflywishes(i think this thread would be better suited for the Spam Lounge, but oh wells...)
here's one if told correctly has been known to cause questions as to my sobriety at the moment...
what kind of bees make milk?(are you ready for this one?)boo-bees
oh geez *runs away*

Hahaha......Boo-bees!!!

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

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Oh man. That Great Ape joke was hilarious. XD

I've got a bad one:

A guy walks into a bar. "Ow!"

  • Aug 15, 2005

yuki456

yuki456

"Idiots die hard..." Kouga

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Ha! these jokes are so lame!!! But there soo funny!!! *laughs* I especialy like the "green bean". "I've changed my mind...", and the "tape" jokes!!!!! There so funny!!! Thanks for sharing these! ^___^

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Special thanks to May for such a beautyfull signature
and for being so kind an patient w/ me!!!
Arigato!!!! ^___~

  • Aug 15, 2005

Duuz

Duuz

Master of Disaster

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That Great Ape took me about an hour, I'm not a very fast typeing


Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?


A: She fell out of the tree.

In every age, in every place, the deeds of men remain the same.

s9031496c

s9031496c

.:. NAMIE .:.

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Quote by DuuzThat Great Ape took me about an hour, I'm not a very fast typeing
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?A: She fell out of the tree.


Hahaha!!!!!! your good ar this!

Thanx endoftheworld for the sig^_^
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You can call me Namie or Batrisha. May God Bless ya always!

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