Pointing out flaws and making changes in a relationship...

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SilentMasamune

SilentMasamune

I'm all washed up. . .

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I've been wanting to get these questions out for a while now...is it right to point out flaws in a relationship? Is it right to help amend a relationship for the better? Is it right to encourage the significant other to improve in a relationship if you feel that you're doing everything right and the other person is seemingly doing something wrong?

Okay, I know that relationships require lots of effort from the significant others since I've been around there at least twice before, but I just can't see a relationship at a standstill without much amendment for the better. That's like saying that no love is being inputted to the relationship because they think it's perfect on the spot. I, for one, do not agree to that. If one person is being hurt all the time and it's not at the fault of the other, then why should the one who's not at fault change for the other one? The change could be worse than before. However, if one person can't change for the better and the other person could, and the change was for worse, that would undoubtedly mean that someone is stooping to the other person's level and that means hell. Seriously, it is really that difficult to change for the better in a relationship so that the most amount of love could be contributed?

And, yes, this is just a general question to the audience, so please don't assume that I have a problem. If I have a problem, the advice I receive will help me to work things out better, and thus help me become even better with relationships. ;)

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  • Aug 16, 2005

AngelKate

AngelKate

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I have never thought it was right for relationships to be one-sided. Effort needs to come from both people to make the relationship work and for there to be harmony both people. Sometimes this can require change and often these changes are hard to make. If one person isn't happy with the other for any reason, then I think the other person has the right to know. No sense in going on with something of you are unhappy with it.

Communication is very important. It was a problem in my last relationship and part of what led to its end. I was doing something wrong and he didn't tell me...and finally he just got fed up with it and I got the boot. *makes kicking motion* You have to communicate with your partner what you think is going wrong or else the problem could just get worse. But you have to be willing to work together to fix the problem or else nothing will get accomplished.

I hope that made sense, and sorry for the mini-book, lol.

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fooblued

fooblued

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If someone wants to make a relationship work, it will work. I used to overreact to what my boyfriends said to get their attention, even when I wasn't upset over what they had said. I was really just upset that I; A) Wasn't feeling good about myself and needed someone to acknowledge my good points B) Was just being a selfish brat teenager and wanted things to be all about me.... sure I regret they way I was now, but teenage girls can be tricky creatures. You just have to make your feelings known no matter what, if they overreact, then step away and let them cool off and think about what your saying. If you really don't feel like they want to listen then the problem might be bigger than you think...:( <-voice of experience

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animefreak3

animefreak3

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AngelKate is right, communication is key. My last gf never said a thing, I was just expected to read her mind. My friend, and his wife had (still have) some issues. One day he said he wasn't happy. She asked why, and they talked about it. They made some changes, and they are better now.

Think about what you say in advance, order your thoughts. Is "this" reasonable. Then let them draw out of you what they are ready for. Make sure it's the right time too. A good friend chose the time right after my gf broke up with me, to give me a night of hell. (very poor timing) She, my friend, did have a point though, but we don't speak anymore. It was too much all at once.

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  • Aug 16, 2005

PwnOXz0r

PwnOXz0r

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Quote by SilentMasamuneI've been wanting to get these questions out for a while now, and in addition, you could hear my side of the story...is it right to point out flaws in a relationship? Is it right to help amend a relationship for the better? Is it right to encourage the significant other to improve in a relationship if you feel that you're doing everything right and the other person is seemingly doing something wrong?
Okay, I know that relationships require lots of effort from the significant others since I've been around there at least twice before, but I just can't see a relationship at a standstill without much amendment for the better. That's like saying that no love is being inputted to the relationship because they think it's perfect on the spot. I, for one, do not agree to that. If one person is being hurt all the time and it's not at the fault of the other, then why should the one who's not at fault change for the other one? The change could be worse than before. However, if one person can't change for the better and the other person could, and the change was for worse, that would undoubtedly mean that someone is stooping to the other person's level and that means hell. Seriously, it is really that difficult to change for the better in a relationship so that the most amount of love could be contributed?


Quote by toxictea23First of all, dont go around saying it rudely to your girlfriend. Because obviously she will take it the wrong way. Girls are sensitive and they do take things seriously when their boyfriends say it to them. Why do you think girls ask for their boyfriends opinions when they ask
"do these pants make me look fat?"
We value our lovers opinion on things, but we also dont want it harsh. We just want it kindly, Dont go around saying "Its not your pants making you look fat, you are fat!" Thats something that breaks a girls spirit.
It also breaks a girls heart and puts her in some-what a depression when she hears that.


Please. Settle this in a pm. For bringing your problems to the surface instead of settling them with whom you have a problem with gives me half a mind to report you, buddy. Just settle this amongst yourselves.

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  • Aug 16, 2005
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well, its hard for me to say, but its right for pointing out flaws of a relationship,to keep things nice and the effort going. If someone doesnt speak up and talk about it, then yes, things and changes could get even worse! sometimes i wonder why people go together when things only are just bad but AngelKate is right,

Quote by AngelKateyou have to be willing to work together to fix the problem or else nothing will get accomplished.

  • Aug 16, 2005
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Is it right to encourage the significant other to improve in a relationship if you feel that you're doing everything right and the other person is seemingly doing something wrong?
Almost anything can be said to the other if it is said right such as if you think that the other one is fat then you say that your going to the gym and want to know if the other wants to come along if the other one asks if you think that he or she is fat than the worst possible thing you can do is denny it if you do there will be a huge dispute. you'd want to say something like no but a little working out never hurt anyone

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  • Aug 16, 2005

SilentMasamune

SilentMasamune

I'm all washed up. . .

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Quote by PwnOXz0rPlease. Settle this in a pm. For bringing your problems to the surface instead of settling them with whom you have a problem with gives me half a mind to report you, buddy. Just settle this amongst yourselves.

Again, this is a general question to other people as well and not just a limit to the two of us. Though this may be a personal problem, I wanted the general audience to know what they would do as well. Look at the problem closely and don't assume that the both of us have a problem; I never mentioned my girlfriend once in there, though there may be some implication in my situation. ;)

Yes, it's a matter of communication to fix our problems. Both have to be willing to agree to one another so the problems could be solved. Sometimes, even communication is difficult, and if there's no way to communicate with other people, then the relationship will most likely fall apart and eventually end, and I'm sure that for other people who are in relationships they would want the best communication possible.

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  • Aug 16, 2005

PwnOXz0r

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Quote by SilentMasamune

Quote by PwnOXz0rPlease. Settle this in a pm. For bringing your problems to the surface instead of settling them with whom you have a problem with gives me half a mind to report you, buddy. Just settle this amongst yourselves.

Again, this is a general question to other people as well and not just a limit to the two of us. Though this may be a personal problem, I wanted the general audience to know what they would do as well. Look at the problem closely and don't assume that the both of us have a problem; I never mentioned my girlfriend once in there, though there may be some implication in my situation. ;)
Yes, it's a matter of communication to fix our problems. Both have to be willing to agree to one another so the problems could be solved. Sometimes, even communication is difficult, and if there's no way to communicate with other people, then the relationship will most likely fall apart and eventually end, and I'm sure that for other people who are in relationships that they would want the best communication possible.


Now I've seen both sides of the story. Man...my friend's are right...I should get into pychology.

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  • Aug 16, 2005

unicorn2006

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Of course it is right to point out flaws in a relationship - it would be foolish not to, if the couple wants to stay together. If there is a problematic issue between the two, it should be resolved through reasoned communication.

Some people cite their undying/deep/passionate love for each other and foolishly try to mull it over in the name of love, but that's just not going to work in the long term. If the couple truly cares for each other, they should be able to talk about problems without getting angry or worked up over personal faults. Changing for another person is not really the ideal solution to situtations like this but if things come down to it at least one can try to change for the other..

Partners that refuse to take the other's opinions into account are probably not worth the struggle of keeping a relationship together, at least until they've matured enough to realize that a couple can't exist if the two aren't working with each other.

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  • Aug 17, 2005

cardmage

cardmage

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Quote by SilentMasamuneI've been wanting to get these questions out for a while now...is it
right to point out flaws in a relationship?


Yes it is...

Quote by SilentMasamuneIs it right to help amend a
relationship for the better?


Yes it is...

Quote by SilentMasamune Is it right to encourage the significant
other to improve in a relationship if you feel that you're doing
everything right and the other person is seemingly doing something
wrong?


And again... Yes it is. However, it is rather difficult to do everything right in a relationship. Probably the only person who thinks he/she is doing everything right is the person himself/herself and he/she is usually wrong...

If there is something you think you can't accept about your significant other, then you do have to tell the person about it. Suffering in silence wouldn't get you anywhere. Unwillingness to change for one another would only make relationships sour in the long run. Sacrifice is required by both partners in a relationship. However, when you want to talk about changes to make in a relationship, you shouldn't do it in a way that may hurt the other person. The more a person cares about you and your opinion, the easier it is for you to hurt a person. And the more deeply a person may be hurt. In fact, hurting your significant other with the things you say may be a problem with a relationship in itself.

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  • Aug 17, 2005

SilentMasamune

SilentMasamune

I'm all washed up. . .

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Quote by cardmageIn fact, hurting your significant other with the things you say may be a problem with a relationship in itself.

You know, though hurting the significant other poses problems on the spot, what if other people hurt the significant other and the anger is taken out on the one who didn't do anything to cause hurt? Wouldn't you find it a bit bothersome to be with a person who's hurt by other people all the time?

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  • Aug 17, 2005

thedarkness

why do my life turn out like thi

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i don't it is a good idea 'cuz they have to experiment it. they must learn what wrong with thier relationship in order to achieved perfect relation.

relation

it has ups and downs,
tears and smiles,
happiness and sadness,
love and hate,
honesty nad loyalty,
yelling and screaming,
bad words and good words,
war and peace,
rumors and no rumors,
black and blue,
dark and light,
truths and lies,
after you have passed all these stops,
you'll find the relationship really true.

  • Aug 17, 2005

bbls

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Quote: is it right to point out flaws in a relationship? Is it right to help amend a relationship for the better? Is it right to encourage the significant other to improve in a relationship if you feel that you're doing everything right and the other person is seemingly doing something wrong?


i think it's essential that you have honest, open communication with your gf/bf, and if something is bothering you about the other person, then you should definitley talk about your problems. you really don't want to hold that in and let it fester inside of you until one day one of you guys has had enough and just walks out. i've had that same problem where my ex just got fed up with me instead of trying to work out the problems so he just broke it off.

but sometimes even though you try to talk about your problems, the other person is unable to change. that's when you have to decide if what's bugging you is worth ending the relationship over or if it's something you can live with. no one is perfect and often times people will not meet your expectations, so compromise is definitely your friend! sometimes you just have to meet that person half way, accept that their faults may not be fixable at this moment, and realize that change will happen slowly.

Quote by SilentMasamuneYou know, though hurting the significant other poses problems on the spot, what if other people hurt the significant other and the anger is taken out on the one who didn't do anything to cause hurt? Wouldn't you find it a bit bothersome to be with a person who's hurt by other people all the time?


yes, that would be difficult, but then again, that person is looking to you (and i use that word for ease and not as a reference to you) for support and comfort when s/he feels hurt by someone else. some people react differently and are more sensitive, so that is a quality in that person you will probably have to accept. through your words of encouragement and support, perhaps over time that other person will gain a thicker skin and not be hurt so easily by other people. this is something a person can't change very easily..it's like asking someone to just control their temper without taking anger management classes or something. so it will take a lot of patience on the person who isn't hurt to help with the significan other, and a lot of work for the both of them to solve this issue.

sorry if i didn't make sense at all... ^_^'

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  • Aug 18, 2005

unicorn2006

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Quote by SilentMasamuneYou know, though hurting the significant other poses problems on the spot, what if other people hurt the significant other and the anger is taken out on the one who didn't do anything to cause hurt? Wouldn't you find it a bit bothersome to be with a person who's hurt by other people all the time?


If the other person is stressed out or angry they shouldn't be releasing their frustration/stress/anger out on the other person without hesitation. Being the selfish beings that people are, we may have tendencies toward lashing out at their bf/gf to relieve our stress, even though the gf/bf has nothing to do with it. If one side is always stressed and the other is always has to take in all the anger release, the relationship is going to become unstable and eventually crumble.

On the other hand, the 'listener' should try their hardest to comfort the other as much as possible. Like bbls said, the other person is looking to the listener for emotional support as one's bf/gf are often the first place they turn to. Dating/love comes with responsibilities, and if one can't shoulder any of the burden that the other person may bring along, that relationship probably won't last that long.

Such lopsided relationships will become unstable and eventually crumble. I may sound somewhat harsh, but in a relationship, it all comes down to communication. If I remember correctly from highschool married couples think communication is the most important thing in a marriage.. which attests to the fact that a couple is a joint entity, one that needs to cooperate and complement each other. Of course, its not always easy... but that's where love comes in, right?

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  • Aug 18, 2005

Cagari

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I really do think communication in a relationship is very important. That's why I don't like internet relationships....You can't feel anything that's happening to you.....you only see words...not the person....get it? And also, you're not on the computer 24/7, so you have a hard time talking to your bf/gf. ANd they can always call, but if your bf/gf lives like 3,000 miles away it can cost quite a bit....I really do think that you should point out flaws and stuff you don't like about your other in a relationship, cause if you don't, it'll be bothering you, and there might be more things that will bother you, and eventually all of those things will pour out of you when you want to tell your bf/gf something, and besides, you might end up telling your friends all of your bf/gf's flaws and not directly talking to him/her, which causes even more trouble.....*sign* I remember telling my bf that his looks didn't really fit my style, and then he got mad cause I wanted him to cut his hair, and he said "Since you think I look ugly we should break up." YES he was very immature....... ~_~ ANd I never said he was ugly. I just said his looks didn't fit my taste, so I wanted him to change his looks a little bit. That's one problem in relationships.....looks can either get you into trouble or cause problems anyway.....

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I think that communication is a very important part of a relationship. Though it's hard to talk about the things in relationships that bother or annoy us, it is very good to do. If you don't talk it out, you will just build up annoyance and misery until you explode in an irrational way.

  • Aug 18, 2005

Laggylagger

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Communication has always been the key to everything. If you couldn't do it right, you could be misunderstood with things that you try to say.
To get back on topic, yes pointing out flaws will help your relationship. This would help you get better at things. Now if you make changes to your relationship, you should make sure your partner is okay with it. Then you can start changing things. If you don't ask, things could go awefully wrong. Just make sure it is good for both of you.

  • Aug 18, 2005

animefreak3

animefreak3

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Quote by Cagari*sign* I remember telling my bf that his looks didn't really fit my style, and then he got mad cause I wanted him to cut his hair, ... I just said his looks didn't fit my taste, so I wanted him to change his looks a little bit...

He was right. I'd have left you too. People get into relationships, and then expect to change the things they don't like about the other person. The other person is expected to comply as a show of good faith. Even if it's not all one sided, it's still something less than ideal.

Example: A woman who I was seeing told me a story about some guy who she dated. His friends were into her looks so he asked her to go short hair. She did it "for him." Then she felt victimized when she found out why he asked her to cut it all off. She then not a week later, asked me to cut all of mine off. "For her."

People should be strong enough to accept that they shouldn't try to change one another. People should also be strong enough to walk away when another person tries to change them. This is just fore shadowing bigger problems/issues to come.

We begin and end in nothingness. Our darkness is confronting our ultimate nature, for nothing can come from nothing. We must sow the wind and reap the void, since the now is all we have. Together, we walk in darkness.

  • Aug 18, 2005

Laggylagger

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You have to have a good reason for doing something. You can't just go around doing it for "him" or for "her". It just doesn't seem right, even then, you could be a victim to evil intentions. It has to go both ways.

  • Aug 18, 2005
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You shouldn't be too shallow but you can't help it since evryone is shallow even they don't admit it...it's only alright to point the flaws out if the flaws are their personality such as being harsh to others for no reason or if they judge a person's look rather than the insides something like that.

  • Aug 18, 2005

animefreak3

animefreak3

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Laggylagger, you're right. OTOH if you're happy on what /you/ decided for yourself, what does it matter what others intentions are? Relationships are all too often a grounds for abused trust. If instead you do what is best for you, and not depend on the good intentions of your partner. I then feel that is has the added benefit of a more equal partnership as well.

FateDecides, if you have a good sense of self, the rest falls into place. Follow your own sense of what you believe in, and don't doubt it.

Example: My last gf lied allot. All the time. We talked about it once, and I told her my family's code on truth. (short story: we won't lie) She told me some fake (romantic fantasy) story about making people feel good about themselves by lying. I accepted her choice, but I would not emulate it. She's get angry on the phone, and tell me she cut all of her hair off short to get me to rush over to check on her. (a lie) Since that time she's went through a handful of other guys, and is single yet again. Yet I'm still content. I still care about her, but at least I'm not miserable. (still not sure is she is or not)

We begin and end in nothingness. Our darkness is confronting our ultimate nature, for nothing can come from nothing. We must sow the wind and reap the void, since the now is all we have. Together, we walk in darkness.

  • Aug 18, 2005
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I have just had one relationship, but I was six years then, so that's not the same.
but I think that communication is good. That works almost always, but it can be worse, that other people have said on this thread. I have not a sure answer on what you should do if it gets worse....hard question...
Anyway, that I want to say is, like other peole too has said here, you must have the willing to work together and fix the problem. Or else it will never be accomplished. If the other one doesn't want toi fix the problem, then you've got a problem! I guess you must then be patience and be doggely to say that's good to fix he problem.

I hope it was an good answer. :)

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  • Aug 18, 2005
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The relationship depends on both party. The improvements will be contributed if both party. Both party should know each other well so there will be a good relationship. That should help out for both party's communication.

  • Aug 20, 2005

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