POEM - Minitokyo

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heres a poem I wrote let me know what you think and you dont have to be nice it is at the momment with no title

I sit here staring up at the sky
The only sound the ticking of a clock nearby
I watch the coulds moving slowly on their way
As mintues turn to hours and hours into another day
How much of my life has past with nothing done
No dreams have been met not even one
The thought saddens me deep with in my heart
In the race of life I have barely left start
Will I be here staring at tomorrows sky
Or will I accomplish something before I die

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Sep 28, 2005
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SharinganKnight R2 D3

too emo for my taste, but its a fair piece.

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Sep 28, 2005
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colleenerb

I absolutely love it but I love emotional work more than anything superficial or commercial. Anyways great job. :D

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Sep 28, 2005
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Roumista

This is a really good poem crystal i love it sooooo much

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Sep 28, 2005
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masterjesse89 Master of ALL Things Spiffy

Its nice... "too emo" goofy guy *laughs* 2 C's in your fam?

Tommorows sky.. that is a pretty picture... I just dont know why...

Once I desire something... I cannot undesire it.
I cannot even try to resist. I will desire it until I have it.
But there is no end
No matter how much I take. I still want.

Sep 28, 2005
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j0n0 Increadibly Cute

Nice poem, but you need a title (and some commas in some places). It is your baby (this poem) you have to name it something, like "starting line" or "the clock is running."

An eye for an eye brings justice, but it is compassion that changes a man.

Another point of view doesn't necessarily make yours more or less right.

Sep 28, 2005
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tripleG To simply be

"I watch the coulds moving slowly on their way
As mintues turn to hours and hours into another day"

I like those lines... the rhyms are a good touch. Overall this is a good and small piece of work!

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Sep 28, 2005
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mahkohime Not dead yet

Nice imagery, good formatting and wording. You put a lot of emotion and effort into this. Great poem! ;)

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"Death is lighter than a feather, Duty is heavier than a mountain" -Wheel of Time

Sep 29, 2005
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leosama84 ::Peace Maker::

WOW! just Simply WOW!
for a name, mayb u can name it "Will I Accomplish Something Before I Die?" i thought of it b/c its the last line of ur poem....the imagery like mahkohime-san mentioned is really nice! it makes me think of how things take place in this world!

one more thing....try a repetition of line.... u know, for example:

Will I Be Here Staring At Tomorrow's Sky,
Or Will I Accomplish Something Before I Die?

those 2 lines can go after :

As Minutes Turn to Hours and Hours into Another Day

So It'll be like:

As Minutes Turn to Hours and Hours into Another Day
Will I Be Here Staring At Tomorrow's Sky,
Or Will I Accomplish Something Before I Die?......and goes on, to the last 2 lines again ;)...

just a suggestion ^_^, i think it works though!

thanx for sharing such a luvly poem!
see ya around!
Leo

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Sep 29, 2005
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Graverobber Heart of Darkness

Oooh, I like it. It got me thinking about the things I want to do before I leave this world. Maybe for a title, how about "Race Against Time" ?

Sep 29, 2005
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luckymouse Always getting the last laugh

wow and sorry to reply soooo late,but wow,and ya said i was good,i think illl haft to start taking lessons from you now ^_-.....more more ,cant wait to see ya next one shadow kitty ^_-

I THOUGHT WHAT ID DO WAS PRETEND TO BE ONE OF THOSE DEAF-MUTES ^_^