Warning: Undefined array key "HTTP_ACCEPT_LANGUAGE" in /var/www/minitokyo/www/includes/common.inc.php on line 360 I need your feedback on this essay I wrote for a form. - Minitokyo

I need your feedback on this essay I wrote for a form.

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RainWater

RainWater

ayumi-chan

The topic for the essay was: How Do I see Myself as a Person?
(Remember, this is for an application form, so I need you guys to be harsh! :P)

The first time I read the topic for this essay, I thought, â?Ah, this would be a cinch.â? But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. During the moments I spent pondering on the question of how I see myself as a person, I was able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.

I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect human being; neither am I the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before). I saw both the negative and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand times. I found out what kind of person I am; that my friends and my family are the most important factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep, that I cannot turn away from them, especially during the times that seem the bleakest. I surprise even myself, sometimes.

Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I choose to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them as who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes to my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. Thinking about these decisions and emotions have me reflecting on the capability of a person to love wholly- love which has proven itself to be beautiful, mysterious, and at the same time, deadly.

But, to be realistic, there are times when I just canâ?t seem to take it. I am a pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous, and angry; I get sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of no one at all, at that. Being surrounded all the time just doesnâ?t suite me; â?I need spaceâ? as they say. But donâ?t get me wrong, I do love my friends and family. Itâ?s just that, I need some time for myself, wherein I can just keep quiet, and listen to my own thoughts- without having to worry if my friend is comfortable with the said silence, and comfortable with me.

I know I am a good person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good friend; and I know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. But I talk and act the way I do becauseâ?¦ because this is what is expected of me. And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.

Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldnâ?t want it any other way.


merged: 11-13-2005 ~ 10:01pm
The essay was supposed to be 3-5 paragraphs long only. Do you think I should take out the last line ("yep, that's me...), or never mind? Cuz I think it can count as another paragrapch, yes?

ajb

ajb

mr.hat

sounds good to me ^__~

overall impression of the message ur tryin to get across: 'ur not perfect, but ur tryin' and 'ur jus the average person, but ur happy wit that'
those r good things, but is that the message u want to get across?

anyways...some constructive criticsm:
(and im only bein harsh cus u asked for it, so dun take it so personally ~__^)

Quote by RainWaterThe first time I read the topic for this essay, I thought, Ã���Ã��Ã�¢?Ah, this would be a cinch.Ã���Ã��Ã

Sallyf322

Sallyf322

*_Amateur Guitarist_*

Okay...here's advice coming from a 15 year-old, so you can ignore this if you want to:

From my knowledge, I believe semicolons (;) are used in a sentence only if the two COMPLETE sentences are related to one another...I believe you do not have two complete sentences in one of them.

Second, try not to use parentheses or dashes too much. They make the essay look more amateur. Note that most formal writing do not use such things.

Third, avoid commas...your essay is very choppy in my opinion. Sure, some here and there are okay, but I think you have way too many commas in there.

Sorry if I sounded harsh. Maybe I'm just an arrogant brat. ^-^ Maybe I'm just trying to help. Maybe I'm a correction geek and I try to correct friends' written work whenever I can. Take your pick. Actually...it's the second and last one if you're curious XD Hope I helped.

"If everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, then we'd see the day...when nobody died. I'm singing amen I, amen I, I'm alive." - Nickelback: "If Everyone Cared."

If only, if only, the world were like this. If only, if only, it only existed.

fireflywishes

Retired Moderator, Linguistics

fireflywishes

Calgon, take me away~!

i'll do the edits and comments in CAPS (for the most part), ok?
-------------------------------
WHEN I FIRST read the topic for this essay, I thought, Ah, this IS GOING TO be a cinch. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. [During the moments I spent THINKING ABOUT the question of how I see myself as a person, I was able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.-- is this your thesis? you might want to state how you see yourself...make it stronger somehow.]

I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect human being; neither am I the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before). I saw both the negative and positive sideS of myself magnified a thousand times. I found out what kind of person I am AND that my friends and my family are the most important factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I cannot turn away from them, especially during the BLEAKEST OF TIMES (i'm not sure that "bleakest" is the right word here... are you trying to find a synonym for "hardest"?). SOMETIMES I surprise even myself. (WHY? this is kind of just a random statement out of the blue... do you surprise yourself in your devotion to your friends and family?)

Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I HAVE CHOSEN to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them FOR who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes FOR my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. [Thinking about these decisions and emotions have me reflecting on the capability of a person to love wholly- love which has proven itself to be beautiful, mysterious, and at the same time, deadly.-- this sentence is somewhat awkward... you may want to think about rephrasing it somehow]

But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I am a pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous and angry; I get sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or no one at all. Being surrounded all of the time just doesn't suit me. I need MY space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do love my friends and family. It's just that I need some time for myself, where I can just keep quiet and listen to my own thoughts- without having to worry if my friend is comfortable with the said silence, and comfortable with me.

I know I am a good person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good friend; and I know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I HAVE made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. [But I talk and act the way I do because this is what is expected of me.-- you didn't really discuss this in your essay though... the conclusion should not include any new topics.] And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.

Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
----------------------------
very nicely written... i changed a few of the minor things. you may want to go back and see how you can rephrase the phrases connected by semi-colons... you seem to have a lot of them... well, good luck with the application! ^^ hope that i was able to help in some small way? take cares!

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RainWater

RainWater

ayumi-chan

Ok, so I've taken your very good criticisms, and have reshaped my essay. Do you think it's still alright? I like what fireflywishes did though- editing it for me. It really helped my find the right words to put in the right places. I hope you guys help me out again. :)

An Essay on How I see myself as a Person.
By: *bleep bleep*


When I first read the topic for this essay, I thought, ah, this is going to be a cinch. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. The moments I have spent thinking about who I am have changed the way I see myself. Every time I’d look into the mirror, I would notice every tiny mark that was in my face. I could see my own soul, looking back at me, asking me questions I have never thought of before. My world of black and white has changed; it being replaced by one filled with many different colors for different things.

I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am neither the most perfect human being, nor the most beautiful. I saw both the negative and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand times. Images of my friends and my family would stand out in my mind. Their importance in my life had never seemed more obvious than it is now. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I just cannot turn away from them, no matter what fate would throw my way.

Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I have chosen to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them for who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes for my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. These decisions and emotions have me thinking about a person’s capability to love- love which has proven to be beautiful, yet blinding.

But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I can get paranoid, jealous, angry, sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of no one at all at that. I guess I can honestly say I’m not a people-person. I need my space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do love the company. I just need those moments, wherein I can just stare into the nothingness, and drown in my own thoughts. I really care about the state of those around me- sometimes, even a bit too much. When others are with me, I can’t risk going into my own world, and leave them wondering what has happened.

I know I am a good person, a good daughter, and a good friend; but I also know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I have made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.

Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldn't want it any other way.


merged: 11-20-2005 ~ 02:58pm
PS: Remember, the topic is "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF (MYSELF?) AS A PERSON"

I wasn't sure how to answer that, though.. Sigh.. Insecurity, here we come.

ajb

ajb

mr.hat

hiya again ^__^
its sounding much better

okie, lets seee...

the intro is good, it starts off alright, but i like the way the intro ends off better
very beautiful words...like poetry ^___~
'a mirror into my soul'

the very beginning sounds more like casual talking tho,
it would be nice if u can make it sound like u did near the end of the paragraph
its fine the way it is, as it transitions nicely...
but if u can change the first sentance of the paragraph to sound as purrrty as the last sentance of the paragraph, that would be great ^___~

the first sentance is always very important in any type of writings


the body is good too
my only suggestion...lose the big 'but' ^__^ at the beginning of the 4th paragraph


the ending is very strong,
it is much more clear than before
i like the way u reworded it....

u almost give insight into the future,
and u left something memorable for the audience to keep wit them even after they finish reading the essay
which is always a nice way to end an essay ^___^

anyways, good stuffs and good lucks ^___~

EternalParadox

Retired Moderator

EternalParadox

.:Enigma Mod:.

I will base my comments on your second revised version:

The biggest weakness of this essay is that it does a poor job in the biggest criterion for good writing: "show, don't tell." What do I mean by that?

Take for example this passage:

Quote: I know I am a good person, a good daughter, and a good friend;

That is telling, not showing. You simply told us that you are a good person. Instead, aim for showing that aspect of you to us. You want to describe an incident so that the reader will automatically think you are all those things without you ever having to write the words "I am a good person." That is the essense of "showing." You need to have the reader infer the conclusions you want them to get, but you never spell it out for them. The actions as described in the essay must speak for themselves.

For example, for this passage:

Quote: I really care about the state of those around me- sometimes, even a bit too much.

Describe an incident. Perhaps a friend was hurt in a relationship and you did those very small things that made all the difference in the world. By describing the fine details of human life, your voice and your character will come through much better than simply you telling us that you care. As the reader, I don't know that. I cannot see for myself that that is indeed true. Show us how you cared and then we will know that you are a caring person.

I realize that you are probably under a word/page count limit, and thus you cannot write about every thing in the space alotted. But work on it. Focus on perhaps 1 key thing in your life that really defines who you are. Describe that one thing and write about it well. That one shining incident will show us more than a long list of different characteristics.

"Show, don't tell" is one of the most difficult things about good writing. I know, as I have seen many examples of good works and not so good works in my experience as a peer writing editor. But you have a good start. And remember, the point you always want to come back to is to read your essay and know from the actions themselves exactly who you really are.

EternalParadox
Previously the Forum, Vector Art, and Policy Moderator

fireflywishes

Retired Moderator, Linguistics

fireflywishes

Calgon, take me away~!

same rules as last time... CAPS for edits, and awkward phrases/comments in brackets. though to start off i'll say that i agree with EternalParadox-san about showing versus telling... well anywho... here we go!

Quote by RainWaterWhen I first read the topic for this essay, I thought THAT IT WAS going to be [a cinch]--perhaps "easy" would be better here?. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. The moments I have spent thinking about who I am have changed the way I see myself. Every time I look into the mirror, I see my own soul looking back at me, asking me questions I have never thought of before. My world of black and white has changed; replaced by [one filled with many different colors for different things.]-- i'm not sure what this is referring to. it is very vague. you want to basically tell the reader WHAT you are going to be talking about in the rest of your essay.

[Like everyone else in the world, I am neither the most perfect human being, nor the most beautiful. I see both the negative and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand times. Images of my friends and my family stand out in my mind. Their importance in my life has never seemed more obvious than it is now. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I cannot turn away from them, no matter what fate throws my way.] (these sentences seem very disjointed. you go from talking about yourself to talking about your friends and family. you want the paragraph to flow along the same lines... maybe talk about your own self perception in this paragraph. then in another one talk about your friends and family. you are also very brief. it would help if you elaborated on some of the topics you bring up such and the negative and positive sides of yourself)

Despite the fact that we constantly have disagreements, I have chosen to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them for who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes for my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. These decisions and emotions CAUSE ME TO THINK about a person�s capability to love- love which has proven to be beautiful, yet blinding.

But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I can get paranoid, jealous, angry, sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of no one at all at that. I guess I can honestly say I�m not a people-person. I need my space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do love the company. I just need moments where I can just stare into nothingness and drown in my own thoughts. [I really care about the state of those around me- sometimes even a bit too much. When others are with me, I can�t risk going into my own world, and leave them wondering what has happened.] these two statements don't really fit in with the 'theme' (for lack of a better word) of this paragraph. you are talking about how you need alone time... these two sentences may fit better in your previous paragraph about your love for your friends and family.

I know I am a good person, a good daughter, and a good friend; but I also know that I was not born this way. WITH THAT SAID, (err... that's the best i can think of right now... but you want your essay to sound like you, so if that doesn't sound like something you would say then change it) neither is anyone else. [I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I have made. I am me because this is who I choose to be.] these two sentences seem kinda of redundant. you're basically saying the same thing two different ways. I am willing to SACRIFICE MYSELF IN this way as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.

Yep, that's me: [the Drama Queen]-- even though you say "Drama Queen" here you don't really prove that point in your essay. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

okay, this draft was much better than the first one, but as previously stated, i agree with EternalParadox-san's comments. i think that your essay would be stronger if you support your statements with examples. for example, if you say "i care about the happiness of my friends" you could follow that statement with a "one time when my friend was feeling down... blah blah blah" or soemthing to SHOW or demonstrate to the reader how you are a caring friend.

endnote: so it's for a summer internship thing? when is the application due?

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RainWater

RainWater

ayumi-chan

It's until december 10. :P

Hrrm, "show and tell"? Only heard of that now. :) I think being on MT is better than english class. Lol.

alright. Thanks again. I'll try to rework again. :D

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