[POEM]-Dark Christmas-......

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I thought of this poem while I was coming out of church today. I read some of BlkLotus' Christmas poems but they seemed too happy for me.

It was a lonely night even thought the street was filled with people and lights
As I walked down the road and I saw people smile......
Joyful and cheerful for it was Christmas
My feets fozen solid for I was walking on icy ground without shoes or socks
I grew hatred for those creatures called humans with heart cold as the winter night
Nobody would help me
Nobody would love me
Thrown away as an orphan
Had nowhere to go
Had no clothing to keep me warm
I stood and watched a family having a Christmas dinner
It sickened me......
My soul was leaving me as the time went by
Fingers frostbitten, and my body paralyzed
My pulse started to slow down by the second
It was hard to keep my eyes open for the icy wind was piercing my eyes
I cried..... "Am I born to be hated and to die miserably?"
Then I closed my eyes for one last time as my body decayed

Comment/criticizm pliz. Don't get offened easily so don't mind writing harsh criticizm

? ???? ?? ??? ???? ???? ?? ??? ??? ?? ? ????? ?? ?????

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ok..this is well thought out but there's grammars and the rhyme..there's none =.=
why..decay all of a sudden? shouldn't he at least show more signs of death first? instead of only a frozen heart..why not put like my soul's shivering and my flesh's turning stone cold? anyway..it's up to u^^

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My Newest Submission:Curse Of The Prosperity God

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Well I didn't really thought about rhyming.
Yeah maybe I should write more signs of death
I'll try to edit it.

? ???? ?? ??? ???? ???? ?? ??? ??? ?? ? ????? ?? ?????

BlkLotus

BlkLotus

bara tsukiyo

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well i think it is pretty good. there are a few grammer errors nothing major. and dont try to rhyme it, ryhming is for happier poems not this one i think.


"As I walked down the road as I saw people smile "
i would say instead
"as i walk down the road and see people with smiles upon their face
feeling joyful and cheerful for it was Christmas...."

again you did a good job keep it up my friend good job indeed

Zero-Ultimate

Zero-Ultimate

Strike Freedom

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It's really sad but I like it
except for the grammer I don't think that I have any comment

Sit upon the frozen heavens
DAI GUREN HYOURINMARU
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  • Dec 11, 2005

jasaiyajin

jasaiyajin

-repeat-

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the poem was a dark xmas theme, it brought out the duality of reality class status. who cares for grammar or rhythmical sense, poetry is an expression that "can" choose to have either, none, or both. my mind compensated for what you meant, so it was understood without deviating from the message by little inconsistencies.

i liked the poem, my friends and i talked about that very subject numerous times.

-repeat-

  • Dec 11, 2005
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ok..I review ur edited one and I think this is better..well, I actually don't care about rhymes but I thought they said poems are supposed to have rhymes..>.> wtf..who cares anyway..
but the grammar is important if u want them to understand better and it won't spoil the mood of the poem

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griffin

griffin

Super Natty

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Poems are not supposed to rhyme ! They CAN rhyme but they don't have to. Rhymes are made for children, greeting cards , songs and things that were written four hundred years ago.

ps... must check all spelling before publishing (use a spell checker and that will cover at least half of the problem)

  • Dec 12, 2005

Kikio

Kikio

The Beauty - The Tragedy

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Awww that was so sad ;-;. It was really good. Thanks for posting it Vatican. ^-^.

Yesterday I died; Tomorrow's Bleeding.
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  • Dec 17, 2005

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