hehehe........ that was so funny!.. it looks like this chat room is fun... pleeeaaaasssseeee keep the jokes going! loving this! o_o
This thread is closed for posting.
page 2 of 2 « Previous 1 2 44 total items
-
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
Danworth>>
Your Pokemon(maybe pet)
is very cute~!- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
WHY TEXANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
A couple of Texans are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other Texan whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead ! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead' ... "
There is a silence......... then a shot is heard.
The Texan comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"LOL! Sorry, guys... I couldn't stop myself...
*runs and hides in SHAME*- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
haha
aiya.
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.
______
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer in the headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
______
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
______
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey,"I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,Mississippi!*they walk among us ... and REPRODUCE*
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
HAHAHAHA.... I'm insanely dying here...... keep it coming!
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
hahahaha
aiya.
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
well hmmm....that makes sense!
-----My Latest Wallpaper: "Inner Power, Unleashed!!"-----
------------"Subtlety Is Not A Virtue!"------------- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
Laevantine
Could it be you?
-
omg, where do you guys get all that from?!
that's insanely hilarious!
Kudos to k1ru!- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
lol XD that's funny. keep it coming HGD :D
Proud to be a part of:
~GetBackers~Negaraku~Asucaga~MT-Death-Note~JigokuTsushin~Host-Club~Gundam00-Devils~Code-Geass-Knights~- Currently watching: Pandora Hearts, Robotics Notes
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
- Anime Watchlist
-
Software User laments:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed tself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
i can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.merged: 01-27-2006 ~ 01:23am
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING ! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1. 0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Earnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system .
Best of luck,
Tech Support- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
Bigger in Texas As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas. The roads are bigger, the trees are bigger, and the wide open spaces are, well, wider. Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive the biggest cars. One day, a Texan died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour of the wonders of heaven. The Texan, however, was not impressed. St. Peter showed him the most beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas. St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in Texas. St. Peter showed him the glory of the stars (they shine brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you haven't seen it until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana, only not as pretty).
There was nothing St. Peter could do to overcome the man's opinion of his home state. Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven, and they both looked down. From there one could see all the way down into Hell. They could see the fire and the brimstone and the agony ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight. St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have anything like THAT down in Texas?" The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple old boys down in Houston who will put that out for ya."
Thanks to Sumomo- for the wonderful Sig and Spystreak for the wonderful avy
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction."- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
LOL!
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
Wher can I get a box of those POP-TART KITTENS?
I love the taste of kittens in the morning!
Knowledge and Time are the Keys to Wisdom.
- Currently watching: Wolf's Rain, My Little Pony
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
- Anime Watchlist
-
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11.People walk slower here.
12.Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13.The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in"big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16.If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17.If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19.Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21.If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22.Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23.Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24.Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25.In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26.As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27.You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.lol sorry i know its long but i had to let this infromation get out to all you notherners because its pretty much all true lol i laughed so hard because I've seen everything on that list happen atleast twice :)
Thanks to Sumomo- for the wonderful Sig and Spystreak for the wonderful avy
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction."- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
Chemical analysis of human elements
Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
________
Element: MAN.Symbol: XY.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
merged: 01-27-2006 ~ 02:06am
Most of you have probably read this joke in my other posts a while back... But I know some haven't... So I'm posting it again... ^__^merged: 01-27-2006 ~ 02:07am
BTW, Uber, you can't eat that pop-tarts kitty... It's too CUTE!
I'm against animal cruelty! @_@ Bad Uber!merged: 01-27-2006 ~ 02:08am
Texans.. *shakes head *... LOL!- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu
ok thats enough from me :) but i will return
Thanks to Sumomo- for the wonderful Sig and Spystreak for the wonderful avy
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction."- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
What do ya get when an idiot turns in a finished homework?
A complete idiot.
"I'm not lonely. Cuz I'm always alone".
- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks!" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
merged: 01-27-2006 ~ 02:34am
LOL! Jasaiyajin would love that one! LOL!- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
-
We already have a thread in which members can share jokes: Funny jokes...XD
Please remember to search before creating threads and to use existing threads whenever possible to avoid duplicates.
EternalParadox
Previously the Forum, Vector Art, and Policy Moderator- Jan 26, 2006
- Gallery
page 2 of 2 « Previous 1 2 44 total items
Back to Off-topic Discussions | Active Threads | Forum Index
Only members can post replies, please register.