Poem: River of Darkness~

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SweetGrl

SweetGrl

doki doki

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I didn't know where to submit my poems at, so i might as well submit it in the Chat Lounge! xD Anyways, my poem is just going to be about, what would be the word for it?, depression! Well, i hope you guys enjoy reading it! Sorry if the poem was too long or something! :( Comments appeciated!

~River of Darkness~

As I sit in the corner of this dark room
Full of hatred, full of grief
Wondering why I have these feelings

My thoughts are filled with nothing, only emptiness
I am sitting here crying
Crying a river of darkness
Can I ever be saved?

Trapped inside an empty room
With just me and the darkness
Knowing that nobody would hear me cry, hear me scream

The darkness engulfs me
I am falling, I am free
My soul searches for its way to freedom
Is this the day I will be free forever?

My dreams were shattered, knowing that I would never be free
Thoughts of the past filled my head instead
How I use to walk to school through dark alleys,
How I am always speechless with no words in my mouth

Now it’s the time to end all my pain and my years of endless tears
Everything will be gone
And I will be free this time

With this knife in my hand, sharp and jagged
I slid it across my wrist
Feeling all my worries and pain gone
I drift away, to a place where only I belong
And the world around me was gone…..

Live to Love, Love to Live~~
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  • Mar 03, 2006

Yamato-Kira

Yamato-Kira

Does war ever stop?

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nice poem :D im glad i read it :)

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  • Mar 03, 2006

Vash90

Vash90

Anime Lovers

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Who's going to commit suicide ? Hahaha !
>.<
poem......nice

  • Mar 03, 2006

enchantressinthedark

enchantressinthedark

Eternal empire.

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Really very sad and depressing wall...sounds like me when I'm really fed up with life. Great poem! Hope to see more of your works!

Intertwined ways of life.
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SweetGrl

SweetGrl

doki doki

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Thanx for the comments so far!

Live to Love, Love to Live~~
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  • Mar 04, 2006

Raidemon666

lord of the lazy

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such a sad poem. Nice job on the poem, it sounds great.

  • Mar 04, 2006

freedspirit

freedspirit

~2gether 4ever~

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hey^^
sorry i havent posted in a while... but I love this poem *hugs*.. keep writing^^ lylas... we'll talk soon^^

  • Mar 04, 2006

ladyai

ladyai

~*serinity from within*~

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Wow What a really depressing poem. I loved it. I can really relate to it. You should write more poems. I'd love to hear more.

Ja ne ^_^

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sigi and ava made by dianas for ladyai ;)

  • Mar 11, 2006

Tasana

Tasana

~~....Longing for Serenity....~~

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wow.....it was really dark, but really pretty and well-written, good job......

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  • Mar 11, 2006

CLAMPchic

CLAMPchic

I'm just me

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Hmm...I'd say I loved it, but in all honesty it rather scared me. It was very dark, and I'm hoping that you don't really feel like suicide, 'cause that'd make me sad (even though I've never actually met you). But then again, I know it's possible to write darker-themed stuff without actually feeling too bad or wanting to do what the poem talks about...so yeah.

As far as the poem itself goes, it wasn't too bad. I wouldn't say it's your best work from what I've seen, but neither is it bad.

I hope you don't mind a few comments on why I'm not overly impressed with it...if you do mind, then let me know and I'll edit this comment. Anyway, one thing I noticed was the frequent word use; there were a few words -or forms of the word- you kept using, like dark and free. I'm not saying that's bad in writing, especially poetry, but if you vary it up it tends to have a better effect.

I did, however, really like the lines "Crying a river of darkness/ Can I ever be saved?" It depicts a feeling of helplessness, maybe even hopelessness, but it's also a feeling that so many people can relate to. And that's one thing valuable in a writer: being able to connect to your readers. Using phrases that draw them into the piece, or that they can empathize with, and those lines are a good example of it. There are a few different phrases that I think held the same effect: "Trapped inside an empty room / With just me and the darkness", "And I will be free this time", and "I drift away, to a place where only I belong".

Anyway, I think it's good, but not your best. Keep it up, though! ^_^

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"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always be what you've always been." ~ Anonymous

  • Mar 26, 2006

animefairy

animefairy

Bored student

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Wow...you did a great job on this poem! I especially love the depressing part!

Thank you so much to soujiokita fro making my avy and sig! Mega thanks! *hugs*
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  • Mar 27, 2006

sukumei

sukumei

Running A Critiquing Service

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i never new you did poems! great though (i hav eto write an excess of 50 characters or it implieds a penalty)

I would like to run a friendly critiquing service for Minitokyo artists. I will try to make my opinions professional and defiantly unbiased although i will speak ideas for the general public. Critiquing service MT thread

  • Mar 28, 2006
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Great poem it's perfect!

  • Mar 28, 2006

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