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Relationship power struggles

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warriormars

warriormars

Flame Sniper

hey all. i was hoping that i could get some relationship help.

i am married and we constantly fight. every day usually all day. we constantly fight for the power in the relationship and to be the dominant one. my husband wont do anything i tell him to simply for the fact that i tell him; even if he knows he needs to do it. even if i ask him to do something he usually wont do it but then he complains that all i do is nag him. but he sees dirty dishes piling up in the sink and i have asked him to do the dishes like 4 days ago and they still dont get done. why do i have to be the one to do all the work around the house especially since he hasnt even been to work since jan. he constantly tries to assert his authority over me and i simply refuse to be some docile little slave wife. things are really bad and i dont know what to do to fix things. any sugestions would be appreciated.
thanks in advance.

also, does anyone else have a problem similar to this? maybe between a friend even? i would be interested in learning how you deal with this issue.

In the morning, laughing happy fish heads, in the evening, floating in the soup.

FloralFallal

FloralFallal

Lover of shirtless anime men

I think that you guys are fighting about topics (like the dishes...etc) and not the real issue. I think the real issue is the fact that you feel overwhelmed with all the responsiblities now that your husband has been out of work. He might be feeling frustrated by not being able to find a job and or he doesn't believe that doing the dishes isn't man's work. Either way I think it would help you two to sit down and come up with a plan. If his inability to work is injury related then he should be doing all he can to get better, taking medication, doing physical therapy...etc. But if he was just fired or he quit then he should be looking for a job every day, getting up early, getting dressed and going on interviews. Statistics show that the longer you stay unemployed the less likely you'll get back into the work force. Even if it's working at a fast food place just anything to lighten the load. And of course there should be a discussion about division of labor because he's an adult now and adults need to do things even though they don't want to and him doing the dishes isn't too much to ask.

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warriormars

warriormars

Flame Sniper

i agree about the division of labor around the house and i have tried to get him to agree to this....
and he has a job, its just seasonal. he starts back the first of May. he has been getting unemployment checks so we arent terribly destitute. but the point is that he has only been outside of the house 3 times since january. i am serious. only 3 times. so the least he could do is help me out around the house.

In the morning, laughing happy fish heads, in the evening, floating in the soup.

S-a-c-h-i-e-l

S-a-c-h-i-e-l

S-a-c-h-i-e-l

Very insightful, Floral... Impressive, you must teach me stuff ^_^

Anyway, I agree with everything Floral there said. To quote Dr. Phil, "Do what works, not what's right." To elaborate on that, trying to be right all the time just causes fighting, as you probably see. Instead, do what works, whether you're right or not; if both spouses try as hard as they can to do that, it works out a whole lot better. Also, everything you do has some sort of a payoff; If you or your husband is doing something that isn't working, find out why you do it and fix the problem. It may be something as simple as "I'm lazy, and I like doing nothing" or it could go way back to a tramatic event in your childhood. Whatever it is, fix it. Don't mince words, and make it sound like it's someone else's fault; any situation you're in could be fixed at some time if you changed what you did or are doing. Be hard on yourself, and fix the problems that are inside.

Remember, never give up, and try to bring happiness to any and all of your children. If you two aren't happy, neither will your kids be.

Edit: It sounds like I think you're the bad guy... don't get me wrong, your husband is a total slacker from the way it sounds. You must whip him into shape XD

warriormars

warriormars

Flame Sniper

lol @ whip him into shape.

i dont think he's a bad guy. and i dont think i am the one in the wrong either. i think we have both done/said things that have made the other feel very hurt and mistrustful. but the question is how to fix that. and how to stop fighting over who controls the other one. when we are having an argument he wants me to back down. but its really hard to do that when he is in my face purposely pushing me (literally and figurativly). he says that because i am the woman i should always be the one to back down because thats what women are supposed to do and i say thats complete crap. just because you are a woman doesnt mean you have to take crap from a man just because they are a man. >=0!

In the morning, laughing happy fish heads, in the evening, floating in the soup.

Hey.. i really think that love sometimes can make you suffer..

but i also think that if you try to fight for power.. does love exists there?
i mean.. if you love someone.. you'll try to make what your loved one wants..
but if you fight for power... where does the love go?

i mean.. of course it has to go both ways.. the love..
so that each one of the couple wants to give.. wants to serve..
and not recieve.. or to be obeyed..

but you always have to keep it in mind..
a relantiong ship does not go with there is not love both ways..
try to win his heart.. and love him a lot..

hehehehe XD

warriormars

warriormars

Flame Sniper

thats good advice too g477. thanks to everyone who has posted and offered their wisdom on this situation

In the morning, laughing happy fish heads, in the evening, floating in the soup.

Finalzero0000

Ninja Commander

I heard many marriages can be saved if they called a counselor before a lawyer. It's just what I heard. I suggest you take your time to think it out and don't act on impulse. That's my piece. I hope you take it into consideration if you decide to pick up the phone.

you called this a power struggle and I belive that would be the main problem here, instead of fighting to get him to do what you want him to do, express the need you have ofr help as something you ask of him, not something you tell him to do, sometimes the way requests are handled from the person requesting can make all the diference, I totally agree with you, he should be lending you a hand wherever he can if he really has nothing else to do, just try to express your needs in a way he really pays attention

ehehheh no problems..

if there is a couple..
and each one search not the other.. but the self..
it will lead to divorce..
because its like this:
"I don't want to make you happy, i want to make myself happy.."
if staying with you is causing me trouble..

so goodbye..

no problem.. ^^

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