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pome(indeed pome not poem)for artgeek

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smilebit

smilebit

aristocat

It is that time of day that I like
The sun is soft on my face
And I am ready to wish it goodnight
We walk with broom in hand
And high hopes of reward
Only on this street, toxic way do we walk
And knock on door with anticipation
Of a good deed to do
May we sweep your porch for a quarter?
i ask with a smile
Time doesn't move and nothing is around the corner
It is only the Dust and us with a quarter as
Well Bazooka Joe still be there
Wait for my mouth, my tonhis ue,
And teeth wait for our sincerest
Laughter and love and our pockets
So so deep with a quarter
And two more we'll be
There, but first we
Must move this Dust
Sweep our brooms
And stay firm.

There...just at it appeared in my notebook. Edit it chum! Edit it good like!
(this is primarily for a sope who has proclaimed his proficiency in such things as Engilsh grammar and what-nots. If you want to critique or edit do so with honesty. I am not a poet, but alas, i have to take this poetry class for entry into certain fiction classes. cheers.)

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hmm... interesting... sorry but i can't critique it, cause im not good poetry.. btw, wats a sope?

artgeek12

artgeek12

the curious Art Fox

That time of day
The sun, soft on my face
Ready to wish it goodnight
While walking with broom in hand
High hopes of reward
Only on this street a toxic walk
And with anticipation, do i knock
A good deed may i do
A sweep for a quarter?
With a smile I ask
Motionless time 'round the corner
Only the Dust and us
With a quarter as
Bazooka Joe still be
Wait for my mouth, my tonhis ue,
And teeth wait for sincerest
Laughter, love and pockets
Ever so deep with a quarter
And two more we will be
There, but first we
Must move this Dust
Sweep our brooms
And stay firm.


Nice pome. :)
You have a nice sense of flow when it comes to writing your words. There really wasn't much to do. I removed a few things that seemed a bit excessive and perhaps a bit redundant. Now, i'm not the king of poetry so there really is no right/wrong to your poem. As long as the poem comes across the way you intended it then that is all that matters. That being said, I removed some words to change the undulation in the piece. I believe it will keep the reader interested and help flow from idea to idea. The nicec thing about poetic verse is that complete sentences are not manditory. By condensing a line or sentence, you can cause the reader to pause and perhaps reflect upon the statement as well as enhance the natural flow you are gifted with. I removed some references to "I" or "me" since the reader will assume one of a couple of things. They will either know it's you speaking or think an unknown character is. Either way, keeping it a bit ambiguous creates an air of mystery which might add the the appeal of the poem. That's all for now. I'll take another look at it later and see if second exposure does bring something else to mind. Hope i was somewhat insightful if not pompous...hahaha.....i joke, i kid!

Artgeek12 - Proud member of NewWaveProject!
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Organizer of the Olympiad Project, where everyone one is needed and welcome!

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