Looking for advice on a personal love problem...

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Before I start telling you the situation, I'd like to say to all those who are against/do not believe in online relationships/the possibility to fall in love with someone online, please don't read any further. I don't want to deal with people saying I'm stupid for feeling this and that for someone I met online. This is a very serious matter and I'd like to get some advice on what to do, so if you're not okay with this type of relationship (you find it stupid, for example), then please don't read any further, nor reply to this thread.

Now, onto my story.

For almost three years now, I've been frequenting a small forum where about 10 other members go to. We're a small community of people that form a family.

For all this while, I've been friends with everyone. Including a certain someone. I didn't feel anything for that certain someone back then but then again we weren't really close friends. Just normal friends.

A few months ago, though... Around july, I believe... the forum was going through a bit of trouble because of a few troublesome members, and for some reason, in this turmoil, he and I started talking more often. Our conversations at the beginning were about the troublesome members. But then we started chatting about anything and everything. And we became closer.

I considered him a good friend at that moment. Still nothing felt for him. But then...

The more we talked, the closer we became as friends... and the more I fell in love with him.

And right now, ever since around august, I felt myself very much in love with him. Sure, it might feel blissfully sweet, but at the same time I'm being tormented. Tormented by the thought, "where is this going?"

I've had several infatuations in the past. And I am certain this is not an infatuation. As you can see, I didn't like him from the very first time I met him; in fact, I knew him for several years, and even after starting to chat with him more often and becoming close to him, I didn't fall in love with him immediately; so I believe that this is sincere love, and not an infatuation.

But what can I do about this love? I've so many obstacles in front of me. I know for certain that he doesn't have a girlfriend, so that's not my obstacle; my obstacles are: Is he okay with long-distance relationships? Does he even feel anything for me? And if he does, does he want to make something out of it?

Personally, I'm too afraid to tell him. Too afraid that, if I confess my love for him, and he doesn't feel the same way, then things will become awkward between us and we become distant from each other and our friendship gets destroyed on the long run. This isn't a situation unheard of, after all. I'm not afraid of bearing the pain of unrequited love; I'm afraid of losing him even as a friend. So, if my silence preserves our friendship, then I'd rather remain quiet.

But what if he does feel something for me? If he does, then there are chances things will work out. Problem is, it's a huge risk to take, and I'm not sure I want to take it if the consequences can be "destructive".

Thing is, I don't know if he feels anything for me or no. He doesn't seem to, but sometimes... I don't know why, but sometimes it seems as if he does love me, too. Like once... he compared me to a saint. And it was sincerely said. A saint! That's not a compliment you say to just anyone, do you? But this can't be taken as proof, for there are many ways he might have said it; could it have been said sincerely and honestly, like how a child says things as they are? Or did he say it with a hint of admiration, the sort you'd hold for someone you love?

I don't know what to do. I'd like to know what he feels for me, but I can't find out about that unless I ask directly. A friend of mine told me that I could confess to him my feelings, and say that I am not waiting anything in return, I am just telling him so as to be sincere to him, and to take this out of my chest. But I honestly don't know what to do; I'm afraid doing so would ruin our friendship, as I explained before. Yet, there's no solution that's risk-free.

So what do you advise me to do?

This is quite a long post, and I apologize for taking a lot of your time so you could read this. But, if you've been reading until now, then thanks for hearing me out, and for those who are going to reply, thanks in advance for your help.

  • Feb 24, 2008

Northy

Northy

Guys are human as well.

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Help? What is it that you want us to do?

Forgive me for being blunt, but it seems like you have a good grasp of your situation, including the possible outcomes of your options. It almost sounds like you want us to take the responsibility for your predicament, so that you can feel less guilty about it if it goes wrong. As in "hey, it went wrong, but at least it wasn't REALLY what I wanted to do". Maybe that isn't really the case, but you are basically willing to put out a gamble like that to just anyone?

I mean... anyone who's asking for advice like this is usually met with a barrage of "go for it" replies, because that's how people are. At least, I've never actually seen someone who says "You know... maybe the risk is too great. Maybe you should just remain friends."

You know what my advice is? Make up your own mind, and take the consequences of your actions like a... well, a woman. If you're not ready for the possible rejection and the pain that goes with it, then I'm pretty sure you're not quite ready for the ups and downs that will be a part of your relationship if he actually reprociate your feelings.

As for your opening statements; no, online relationships bother me little. It's only when people who have an online relationship feel like they have the right to get up on the soapbox over people who might have met through physical attraction that I think they should get over themselves. Your "infatuation" comment did give off a few vibes in that direction, but one doesn't necessarily invalidate the other.

So yeah, that's my advice in a nutshell: Buckle up, and put your own hands on the steering wheel.

  • Feb 25, 2008

riku1212

riku1212

love hurts so much!

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what does it mean when your asking someone to be your valentine because i asked this boy i like and he said yes but i dodn't really know what it means. :sweat:

you never know you love someone until you'ev lost them.
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kuroimisa

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kuroimisa

Wizard of Darkness -under a rock

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Well, all matters put aside, the fact that you say you're scared of losing him as a friend leads me to only one statement - if he's going to not be friends with you because he doesn't feel the same way, then he's not worth being friends with. He's not even worth being a friend with, let alone a lover or significant other.

I know it sounds kind of harsh to put it that way because I personally know nothing about this special person you're talking about, and it might sound offensive to put it that way, but that's what I think. If I was going to be so sincere in my approach and confess to a guy just to be rejected and then forgotten about, my first reaction would be "wow what a jerk" and "yay now let's move on".

Although your relationship is online, it's not much different to a real life situation. I've had many instances where I was very close to confessing to someone but stopped myself, because I was fortunate enough to suss out that this person was just not who I was looking for. Again, I have the advantage of actually knowing these people in life (so the confession I was planning was actually going to be face to face in person - oh and I was facing the possibility of being the subject of gossip in their gossippy group :P), but at the same time you have the advantage of being screened out by an internet connection.

I find that with conversations on the internet, the hardest thing to tell is whether or not someone is telling the truth, or if they are angry, sad or happy upon typing their responses - because of this screening.

Personally, I think that you have nothing to lose if you do confess.

If you confess and lose something, that'd either be your confidence (temporarily) and maybe someone you chose to value who afterall isn't as nice as you thought he was.

[But because he does seem super nice, I highly doubt you'd lose your friendship with him anyway]

Whichever direction you choose to take doesn't really matter, because I think in the end you will end up with a good outcome regardless. Good outcome = starting something good between two people; good outcome = learning who he really is (if applicable) and being able to move on.

Hopefully that gives you some more food for thought - you really don't have much to lose :)

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Bizarre

Bizarre

The One

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My only advice...
You might regret what you do... but you'll regret what you don't much more.

If he accepts your feelings, then good for you.
If not, then you can simply continue as friends.

  • Feb 25, 2008
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@Northy: I believe you got me wrong; maybe I gave that impression, but I didn't mean to. I'm certainly not the kind to blame others for my actions; I take full responsibility of what I do, be it good or bad. I may seem to have a good grasp of the situation and all, but I'm only asking for advice because anyone in my situation could have their judgement and reason clouded, so what I think would be reasonable might in reality be stupid. And I also didn't mean to make my infatuation comment to sound this way; it's just that, people who are against online relationships would say "it's just a crush and it can't be real love" and all that jazz, so I was just proving that it wasn't an infatuation, it's really love. I don't mind infatuations or physical attractions, btw, I don't think any sort of attraction is better than another.

Maybe I should have made this point more clearly, but I'm not waiting to hear a bunch of "go for it", I'm only wanting to hear whether what I'm saying is logical and reasonable or just plain stupid, or if I'm missing something. And this is where I'd like to thank kuroimisa.

kuroimisa, thank you very much. You've given me a perspective that I didn't see before: if our friendship does break when I confess and he doesn't return my feelings, then maybe he wasn't worth it after all. It's an excellent point you made. Again, thank you.

@Bizarre: Yeah, I've heard this one before, though it didn't come to mind at that moment... thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

  • Feb 25, 2008

Northy

Northy

Guys are human as well.

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Well, like I said; it sounded like you had a good grasp of the situation, and that includes the fact that you don't sound like your average lovestruck teenager who met someone OMGFABULOUS on some board somewhere. But then, remember that you asked us what we thought you should DO, and not what we thought of the entire situation from the viewpoint of an objective witness. Also, I believe I said that you wanted us to make the desicion so that any bad feelings on the subject would be lessened if things went wrong, not that you directly blamed anyone for it. And yes, there is a difference.

I'd warn you that people tend to act differently over the internet compared to how they act with people face to face, but I'm sure you already know that. That, and it's not like people who are nice online necessarily translates to them being raging assholes in person -- or vice versa.

Which brings the next question: Are you ever planning on actually MEETING the guy, or do you plan on keeping this online? And if not, what would you do if he wanted to meet you?

Ugh! I didn't mean for this to turn into "twenty questions". The whole situation of yours does sound like "nice/sensible girl is interested in decent guy", which sounds like a good thing. But then, neither I nor anyone else can possibly grasp the full situation here. Which is why I won't really give you any recommendations outside of some random thoughts.

As cold as it sounds, I don't really care what you do. However, since it got me thinking possible outcomes, here's what I came up with.

If you choose to confess, and he accepts -- good for you.
If you choose to confess, and he rejects, but still wants you around as a friend -- good for you. Sure, it might hurt for a while, but you'll get over it.
If you choose to confess, and he rejects you AND shows himself to be too immature to at least keep the friendship going -- good for you. No, really, because that pain will go away in time too, and you'll be free to move on to something more worthwhile.
And if you don't confess -- well, you'll never know what'll turn out, will you? If you can live with that, then I guess it's not a bad thing, at least.

I guess it all depend on how much you want an answer to that burning question.

  • Feb 25, 2008
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Well, it wasn't exactly what I meant to say; apologies for not making my point clearly (or in that case, phrasing it differently). I actually do wanted to get a viewpoint rather than be told what to do, but when I wrote that, I wasn't thinking clearly (not that this is an excuse); again, apologies about that. And even though there's a difference between the two situations, I still didn't ask so that the bad feelings (in case of a negative outcome) would be lessened. I'm not that sort of person, and I'm not even capable of feeling what you described.

Yes, I'm aware of that, but thank you for reminding me, anyway.

It's okay that you ask questions about it, it'll have me think about the whole situation anyway. And yeah, I do plan on meeting him one day, if things work out now.

I wasn't really expecting anyone to care about my situation; it's not care I was looking for, anyway. Just a viewpoint, which is what you gave me now. So, thanks, Northy. Your blunt honesty is much appreciated, really (I'm not being sarcastic or anything).

  • Feb 25, 2008

Northy

Northy

Guys are human as well.

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Fair enough. For the record, I'm actually impressed with how you're handling my somewhat grouchy-sounding replies. ;)

Well, I guess my work here -- what little I did -- is done. Captain Obvious.... up, up and away!

  • Feb 25, 2008
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That's because I don't mind blunt honesty at all, as I tend to speak this way when asked for advice :P

And what little you did is more than good enough for me. Thank you very much :)

  • Feb 25, 2008
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I won't offer advice because this really has to be your call, but I really identify with you in this predicament because I've been there before. It's not a fun place to be and I feel for you. I met my husband in an online forum several years ago and we began as just friends. Our roles were reversed from yours though, he was very flirty and made it clear that he was interested in a relationship while I was not even sure if I was interested in him (in truth I thought him to be a bit creepy). He came out for a visit and stayed with me, as friends, for about 10 days and I found out he was not the same person as he appeared online. For us, this was a fortunate thing because I liked who he really was and we decided that we'd try dating extreme long distance. It was really hard, I wondered everyday if it was worth it because we seemed to be getting nowhere and rarely had time to talk to each other. We saw each other on average once every 4 months or so, and that wasn't even great because of jetlag. We dated this way for a little over a year and a half before trying to live together, which was another hurdle for us. Was it worth it? We're doing okay now and have been married for 2 years, but if we were not together, I don't think I could ever do another long distance relationship.

Also, about confessing your feelings: I fell madly in love with a good friend many years ago and was so afraid of losing his friendship that I never said anything to him. We stayed friends for nearly 3 years, and it just got harder and harder on me to keep myself in check. Long story short, he ended up dying suddenly and I never told him how I felt (my best friend told me later that she told him a week before his death and he told her he knew, but it's not the same as saying it yourself). I've carried this regret around for 10 years. It is my experience that men don't really react to things the same way women do. A lot of the guys I've had crushes on treated me no different after knowing of those feelings than before. Goodluck with whatever you decide. :)

  • Feb 25, 2008

LinkKiller

LinkKiller

Hiddoyatsu

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Quote: f he's going to not be friends with you because he doesn't feel the same way, then he's not worth being friends with.


This was the first thing that popped in my mind when I read the situation ^^ . Go ahead and tell him sincerely, if he has a problem with that he really isn't your friend. Your not asking him to love you, just confessing how you feel. Go ahead and do it and see how things turn out ;)

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  • Feb 28, 2008
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be patient

  • Jun 17, 2008

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