well, erm, yeah! this is gonna be kinda long so... >_<
i'm 18 this year and there's this guy in my class who i really really like. he's a year older because he's a scholar and well, let's just say he shies away from physical contact.
so um, we became classmates last year and about 2 months after we met, in april, we started getting slightly closer. that was after i got so high (due to lack of sleep) and i glomped him. he totally freaked out because he never expected someone would do that to him. then a couple of days after that i started calling him 'darling' and it stuck, he didn't do anything about it and um, he answers when i call him 'darling' and i manage to glomp him now and then without getting killed. cos if a guy did that he'd so totally kill him. but cos he's a total gentleman, he'd never retaliate when its a girl, unless its sort of like an "attack" and he'd defend himself on instinct. maybe its an aikido thing, cos he's in aikido in school. then in may the three of us kinda went on a school activity and he said he wanted to remain celibate for the rest of his life cos he had decided that back when he was nine. then i put my hand on his knee and went 'darling, i fully intend to change that by the end of next year.' well back then i guess i wasn't serious at all, the 'darling' thing just stuck cos he was so straight laced and all, he didn't swear (the closest would be 'shoot' and 'darn') and he was so gentlemanly - he'd open doors for me when he's standing in front, he'd lend me his locker cos i can't open mine so... yeah.
in july after i got back my mid term results i was devastated cos i scored really badly and when i returned to class i sat next to him and he put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, which was kinda weird cos i've never ever seen him touch another girl before. then i hugged him and he let me, maybe it was just to comfort me, i dunno.
so well, in september, i kind of finally got so pissed with this guy i used to like in '08 and spilled my guts to him (cos he knows the guy i used to like, they were both in the boys' brigade) and to my gay friend. cos it's like, we're always in a trio, me, my gay friend (gay as in, well, gay) and him. and well we kinda went for this school activity together and i was bitching to him about how terrible that guy is cos he keeps bringing up the past and stuff like that and for the whole 7 hours he listened to me without complaint, saying that it was better for me to talk about it then to bottle it up. and well he teased me about this other scholar saying i looked cute and i was teasing him about how he answered 1/2 + 1/3 as 2/3 so like. then whenever he teased me about it i'd strangle him and he'd laugh it off and when my classmate saw it he totally freaked out, because usually its him strangling people and not the other way round.
in october i failed my piano exam and well. i think it was a huge blow for me, i ended up bursting into tears in front of my gay friend and him when i got the news. again he put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me while my gay friend was consoling me about it and i just. cried on his shoulder and hugged him and um, he let me again. well it was from here on that i got really close to him. like, right from april i was writing him postcards, but they were mostly about random stuff. and then they started getting serious, like about the problems in my life. every time he'd say he'd burn them or that he'd keep them just so he can look at them when he's older and remember he had a retarded classmate like me but well, he'd keep them in this file where he keeps important things like his school certificates and the letter saying he got his scholarship for studying in my school... then well around my birthday i was really close to him, i was crying to him in a way and he'd comfort me by saying things like 'hey, just hang in there' and sweet things like 'sorry, i don't know what to do now, all i can do is listen to you, sorry' and. erm. yeah.
in november i went for an anime convention and met the guy i used to like and well. we kinda went around the convention together and at the end after we parted ways he kinda implied he still liked me and asked me weird questions that implied he was envious of my gay friend and the guy i like. so after that i called the two of them to freak out (yeah the two of them are my best friends in school) and well that guy told me that he met him in school once and the guy i used to like actually told him he was lucky to have me. i freaked out really badly and well he said it in a matter-of-fact, almost amused tone that i wondered why he didn't cut all ties with me, seeing how anxious he usually was about his reputation and how he'd always say i ruined his reputation by glomping him and calling him 'darling' in front of this guy known as the school bitching machine. so after november we didn't talk cos he went back to his country.
so like, when school started i found that i missed this friend of mine really badly and well, we weren't talking any more. he used to be from my school, so seeing his friends all the time made me feel awful. then one day when i took the bus home with one of them i kind of just snapped. cos like, the day before i was feeling terrible, then i asked him if i could bitch to him about life (like how i did last year) and he said 'no, find someone else this year' and i called him and... somehow the words wouldn't come out. then i hung up and messaged an apology and he asked 'why the weird call just now' so i kinda explained myself. then i asked if i could borrow his shoulder the next day and he said yes, so... i hugged him the next day. and well, it was like heaven, resting my head against his chest and hugging him, although he'd never return the hug. like. >_<
suffice to say i ended up running to him for comfort and warmth every single time i'm hurt, much more than i ever did last year. and though he asks me to confide in someone else, in the end he ends up listening to me and comforting me. he says he'd only send me one message per week, then cut down to once a month but he doesn't keep to it (cos he can't anyway) and well. he's a man of few messages i guess. the bulk of his messages probably went to me, oh well. then (cos his birthday's the day after valentines' day and he loves milk chocolate) i gave him this really good bar of milk chocolate and he was saying to me 'might get you something other than chocolates. probably something less fattening ^^.' after i hinted at white day to him and like O: and well i kept apologising each time i asked to borrow his shoulder so he said 'ah, well, if its just a shoulder, and you inform me beforehand, i guess i don't mind' so i was all 'aww omg thank you!' and like. there's this trick where you tap someone on the shoulder and when they turn around you poke their cheek and he kinda fell for it. and like, my friend was saying that he probably fell for it only because no one dares to do it to him and like. woah. and there's small things that show how he's changed after knowing me, like things like how he's more 'open' to sexual jokes and stuff like that, as well as how he's an otaku, which few people know he is. and how when he taught me to fold origami he didn't mind when my fingers touched his and how he accepted the kawasaki roses i folded and gave to him when a year ago he'd have killed me. >_<
but last saturday i guess i kinda pissed him off cos i messaged him at 1+am and he was trying to sleep and... i kinda got paranoid and i called him after that and asked if he was angry and he said no in that awesome quiet voice of his that said he wasn't angry, just like how he said once said he was angry with me cos i was calling him 'darling' in front of everyone and when i asked him about it when we were alone he smiled at me and went 'of course not', no sarcasm intended. (well things like this explain the tsundere bit) then i kind of asked if i could borrow his shoulder on monday cos well, over the weekend a whole lot of crap happened and i think i kinda went hysterical. he didn't reply so... somehow i just felt hurt i guess. then on monday when i saw him he was all 'next time don't bother me after 10pm. i'm getting tired of putting up with you.' and i kinda wanted to cry but like, after that when i hugged him he just let me, so like... dunno what to think. but it made me happy anyway. i guess things are kinda normal now, was sitting next to him in the canteen yesterday and i was leaning kinda close and so was he and he didn't move away and we just talked as per normal so, well. yeah.
anyway. well um. i really don't know what he's thinking and all and like. i don't dare to ask and i don't dare to tell him i'm serious when i say 'i <3 you darling!' all the time. i think he thinks i'm kinda joking and last year my gay friend said he probably thinks so because if he thought i was serious he wouldn't want to stick around me. so like. i don't know. i guess he does a lot of things for me that he has probably never done for a girl , like all the physical contact (he was saying that if his sister, who's a year younger, same age as me, hugged him like i did, he'd kill her) but like. i'm really scared its cos he's just too nice to turn me down or he just takes me as a really good friend so he does such things for me cos he knows i need it. so well i just act like i don't feel anything for him except i'm just behaving like my usual weird self but like. cos he's a scholar, he's not from my country and well, i care enough about him to want him to care for me but i want him not to care so when we part at the end of the year i won't be hurt if he doesn't feel anything for me so...
anyway this was really terribly long, i hope y'all weren't bored or anything and i thank you in advance for your thoughts on it and your advice! >_<
