I really need to get this out.
It all begun a year ago when I started to make a twitter account to talk to other people about TV shows & animes who has the same interest & hobbies. As a guy, no one really talked to me, so I pretended to be a girl. It didn't take long for lots of people to start talking to me. Being alone & suffering depression, & suicidal my whole life. I quite enjoyed the new found attention. I'm socially awkward, & find it hard to talk to people in real life let alone making friends. I feel that being online is the only escape for me, & to feel accepted even though I'm pretending to be a girl. It's the only way I can freely express myself without being judged. :/
Not long after I met these two girls. One is from German & the other is from Switzerland. All three of us met via twitter & started talking a lot, due to the same interest & hobbies we've shared. I even made a facebook account to join them to talk more via facebook inbox. I told them that I was a hairdresser, I used a random picture of a really attractive girl with purple hair I found on the net, & use that picture as the identity of my online girl persona. It's been one year already, & I have grown really closed to them. They have always been there for me, listening to my stories and making me laugh, smile, & bring me a joy of friendship that I haven't experienced in a really long time. I really care & love them as friends. But at the same time I feel very guilty & awful lying to them about my identity. It's eating me up deeply in the inside, but I cannot bring myself to tell them the truth. They have trusted me so much to open up about their personal life. As a guy, they would never tell me such things or open up. It's gotten to the point where I can't even function normal, & not a day goes by where I would not think about them. They are always on my mind now. I truly care for them & don't want to hurt their feelings in any way. i don't want to leave them. I really wish I could really be the great girl they think I am. >_<
It was never my intention for any of this to happen in the first place.
What's worse, it has progress to the point where I have fallen in love with one of them, which pains me even more. The feeling of loving someone and knowing that you cannot be with them is one of the biggest pains I have experienced to date.
I have already taken action and closed my accounts to cease contact with them, but I still cannot bear the pain of losing and not talking to them anymore. They have become my life. :/
I don't think I'll be fortunate enough to ever be able to meet or befriend someone like them again in my life time.
The past week has been very hard. I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel more alone than ever. I literally feel like a part of me has died, I no longer have the desire to continue living, and have completely lost interest in everything, and no motivation to do anything. I am so close to giving up. I just want this pain to end!
I don't know what to do anymore :'(