I pretended to be a girl online. depression & suicidal..

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I really need to get this out.

It all begun a year ago when I started to make a twitter account to talk to other people about TV shows & animes who has the same interest & hobbies. As a guy, no one really talked to me, so I pretended to be a girl. It didn't take long for lots of people to start talking to me. Being alone & suffering depression, & suicidal my whole life. I quite enjoyed the new found attention. I'm socially awkward, & find it hard to talk to people in real life let alone making friends. I feel that being online is the only escape for me, & to feel accepted even though I'm pretending to be a girl. It's the only way I can freely express myself without being judged. :/

Not long after I met these two girls. One is from German & the other is from Switzerland. All three of us met via twitter & started talking a lot, due to the same interest & hobbies we've shared. I even made a facebook account to join them to talk more via facebook inbox. I told them that I was a hairdresser, I used a random picture of a really attractive girl with purple hair I found on the net, & use that picture as the identity of my online girl persona. It's been one year already, & I have grown really closed to them. They have always been there for me, listening to my stories and making me laugh, smile, & bring me a joy of friendship that I haven't experienced in a really long time. I really care & love them as friends. But at the same time I feel very guilty & awful lying to them about my identity. It's eating me up deeply in the inside, but I cannot bring myself to tell them the truth. They have trusted me so much to open up about their personal life. As a guy, they would never tell me such things or open up. It's gotten to the point where I can't even function normal, & not a day goes by where I would not think about them. They are always on my mind now. I truly care for them & don't want to hurt their feelings in any way. i don't want to leave them. I really wish I could really be the great girl they think I am. >_<

It was never my intention for any of this to happen in the first place.

What's worse, it has progress to the point where I have fallen in love with one of them, which pains me even more. The feeling of loving someone and knowing that you cannot be with them is one of the biggest pains I have experienced to date.

I have already taken action and closed my accounts to cease contact with them, but I still cannot bear the pain of losing and not talking to them anymore. They have become my life. :/

I don't think I'll be fortunate enough to ever be able to meet or befriend someone like them again in my life time.

The past week has been very hard. I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel more alone than ever. I literally feel like a part of me has died, I no longer have the desire to continue living, and have completely lost interest in everything, and no motivation to do anything. I am so close to giving up. I just want this pain to end!

I don't know what to do anymore :'(

Steel is my body and fire is my blood. So as I pray... Unlimited Blade Works.

angelxxuan

angelxxuan

ぬいぐるみ !

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yeah that's the trouble with faking your gender, age or anything of the likes. trying to keep up that lie can eventually eat you alive, for those it doesn't bother those are the souls you have to worry about. it will eventually end, the less you think about it and the more honest you are in the future the pain will subside. you could try contacting said persons and explaining the situation, it does hurt both sides, but at least it's not left in the dark and confuse them and cause even more hardship. sure it could cause them pain as well, but it's better than them not knowing anything at all. to be honest, it does take time but it will pass, until then, try be more careful when it comes to faking such things. upon doing so you've already reaped some of the consequences, there could be more to follow, so it's better to be honest than to lie about something. and stretching the truth isn't quite as bad as flat out lying. as these words might upset you further, that is not my intention, there are plenty of people who lie on the net, and your true friends will understand the reasons for such lies. so don't always expect people who you have lied to, to never walk to talk to you again because you decided to lie about something or not share something. I got plenty of friends on the net who lie to me about something all the time and I hold it as a grain of salt, because friendship is what's more important to me not faking in order to do this or that. because even in the real world none of that stuff (appearance, age, gender, etc) bothers me, I am friends with whom I choose.

so chin up and if all else fails there's nothing wrong with simply writing down things in a journal about what you've done to come to terms with it, there's also new friends to be found, rekindling with the old ones to explain, to seek therapy if need be (if you're feeling suicidal and the likes) don't give up and surrender to this, people have done far worse things on the net, so this is pale in my opinion, from what I've encountered. so just try to move on at a pace you feel suited to and think about things and what you want to do from now, for dwelling in the same spot isn't logically safe for the mind, body nor spirit.

BuBbLeS!


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pandemonium91

Retired Moderator, Tagger

pandemonium91

Lazy af

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Closing your account was, in my opinion, the best decision you could make under the circumstances.
Think of it like this though: would you like to be friends with people who wouldn't give you the time of the day as a guy, yet would be incredibly helpful and attentive towards you if they thought you were a girl? I for one couldn't care less about your gender and I wouldn't have replied any differently if you hadn't mentioned it.

I've dealt with bouts of depression as well and when I have a clearer head I realize some of my actions/behavior were incredibly selfish. But everything we do is selfish to a degree, and your desire to be accepted resulted in you pretending to be someone you're not. You didn't do it for fun. But in doing it, you're confused because you don't know what to do now that you've given up your false identity. It will take some time before you readjust yourself to life, and I won't lie in saying it'll happen right away and that you just need to wait for it.

Also, crying is good. Crying means that you've learned a valuable lesson and now need to ask yourself some questions:
1. Would those two girls have treated me differently if I had approached them as a guy?
2. Can I trust either one of them to reveal this information to, and still expect support from them?
3. Do I want to keep pretending I'm a girl? Do I want to bring this dead part of me back to life, only for it to die again and bring me back to this state?
4. Do I need validation from people who judge based on gender, and not hobbies or personality?

If you want to talk to a community where gender doesn't really matter, try Reddit. I mostly lurk on there but some subreddits (especially the smaller ones) are full of friendly people who won't judge you. If you want to, check out /r/Depression and /r/SuicideWatch as well.

And if you need someone to talk to, drop me a line anytime. I'd be happy to talk with you :) Even though my icon begs to differ, I can be serious when the situation calls for it.

Valuna

Retired Moderator

Valuna

Naughty Artist

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If they're good friends as you say. I don't think gender really matters to them. I've done it before and the people you can call friends are -always- like "cool story bro" and treat me the same as usual. No changes...except for those that have underlying reasons /desperate. Then to think, you may pretend, but most of the time you can take out if someone is male or female after some time merely with text. Both genders have different ways of talking. Such as that between males, they are capable of understanding one another better. After a long time, I'm sure one of them will have their suspicions. It wouldn't hurt to contact them, blurt it all out and see if they accept you as a friend or not. Don't make yourself suffer when there is no need to do so. Then to think...this isn't really the issue with you.

The best way to make friends you care about is to be true to yourself when being with others. In my opinion, just being true to yourself and not giving a care in the world what others think is a quality that attracts people. It makes you an interesting person because being the most popular in the horde isn't so special anymore. Don't hold in, just do what you want to do (a pitfall for many, 'cuz they're afraid) This is your mistake to start faking. Once you start one lie, then comes another and another. It is best to break away from it and try to keep away (it's not bad to lie sometimes, just don't live it), not only so they know the trust, but to wash away your feeling of guilt and uncertainty, regardless of what the others say (see it as selfish if you want, it is a lesson to be taught). It is mentally a good choice to do so. You have nothing to lose at this point, only to gain. When you are up to it, open up another account. Contact both of them as the girl you pretended to be. Explain everything nicely and see what they say. You can run away as much as you like, but you have to face reality at some point...even on the internet. So, for both parties it would be a good thing to get back to it.

Now, looking at your profile. Shouldn't you have enough responsibility at your age? Saying you don't want to continue living, because you cut contact with two people online is a bit...exaggerated? I mean, I have met tons of people on the internet, good and bad friends. Even people I considered close to me. To be honest...no matter how many there have been, there is only one person still close with me. The rest either dissapeared or got busy in life. No matter how much I cared, life goes on and time isn't going to wait for you. Even at this point in life, I start thinking back and it is weird that it has been so long already. In this case, if you care enough...always close the chapter properly for your own sake. You can not continue living if you don't, so it is best to close it.

However, I have one tip: Live for yourself and only yourself. Share it with others to make it more pleasing. Meaning, start standing firm on your own two feet. No relationship or no one so close as you would like...it should not matter. You have the things you love, the things that keep you busy in life, the things you can do to keep yourself satisfied for a lifetime. The rest...? Well, they're all extras to make it all the better! Find the happiness inside you and you will be able to share it with others. But don't ever forget that alone isn't a bad thing. You'll attract people if you get this type of self-confidence for yourself. Besides...it's never too late to meet people and enjoy life just a bit more.

It might do good to your depression. It doesn't matter how you are like, they're all things you should start doing by yourself and not have it led by others. Sure, they can help, but they can't live your life for you. Do it yourself, with your own hands.

Well, good luck whatever you choose to do!

These beautiful, fragile days are reborn, unfaded
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fireflywishes

Retired Moderator, Linguistics

fireflywishes

Calgon, take me away~!

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If they are really your friends it shouldn't matter to them your gender. I would try to explain the situation to them at the least. You never know, they may surprise you with their response. :)

I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else has said, but I'll just add that Minitokyo is also a safe place for you and like pande said, if you ever need someone to talk to I am also available.

Chin up Oni, there are many people here who care about you and who would be sad if you were gone. *hug*

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lalagirl211

lalagirl211

BELIEVE In YOURSELF!!!

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Just say sorry and tell them the truth ( easier said than done but u gotta do it) if they really accept you as one of their friends they would understand and accept ur sorry ヾ(。`Д´。)

This World Is Wrong . . .

  • Aug 22, 2014

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