jokes! tell me one I haven't heard before...

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Well, this sucker ain't new, but it's my favourite:

"A man walked into a bar and said ouch."

Post a good joke, if you have one. XD And challenge yourself not to come up with something dirty.

thelunarmage

thelunarmage

I'm getting too old for this...

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This one's a tad long, but I liked it. At the very least I don't think it's dirty. :)

a little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Phantom: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now, the music of the night! - The Phantom of the Opera

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  • Nov 03, 2004

thegunblademaster

thegunblademaster

Nine Is God

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lmao lunarmage! that was funny! well i've got a bunch but they aren't appropriate but i'll tell ya a blonde joke:

a blonde walks into a barbershop and gets a haircut. the barber notices she's wearing headphones and asks her to remove them. she says, "no! i'll die if i do!" so he cuts around them.

one month later, the blonde gets another haircut, and she's still wearing the headphones. the barber asks her to remove them, but she says, "no! i'll die if i do!" so he cuts around them again.

the next month the blonde comes back and is still wearing the headphones. the barber is fed up and takes the headphones off and gives her a haircut.

after he's done, he notices that the blonde is dead. he picks up the headphones and he hears these words: "breathe in. breathe out. breathe in, breathe out."

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thelunarmage

thelunarmage

I'm getting too old for this...

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Quote by thegunblademasterlmao lunarmage! that was funny! well i've got a bunch but they aren't appropriate but i'll tell ya a blonde joke:
a blonde walks into a barbershop and gets a haircut. the barber notices she's wearing headphones and asks her to remove them. she says, "no! i'll die if i do!" so he cuts around them.
one month later, the blonde gets another haircut, and she's still wearing the headphones. the barber asks her to remove them, but she says, "no! i'll die if i do!" so he cuts around them again.
the next month the blonde comes back and is still wearing the headphones. the barber is fed up and takes the headphones off and gives her a haircut.
after he's done, he notices that the blonde is dead. he picks up the headphones and he hears these words: "breathe in. breathe out. breathe in, breathe out."


Ha ha! Good one. I remember when I first got that joke in my mailbox. I've got another blonde joke here.

A blonde goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "Heaven help us. Has it come to
this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterians, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Phantom: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now, the music of the night! - The Phantom of the Opera

Proud member of: Oldsters |MegatokyoFC | GameThreadSociety | Goddess-Fanclub | Dub-Lovers-Group | ChrnoCrusade | MT-Singles-Club | Minitokyo-Australia

  • Nov 03, 2004
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*rofl~* Amusing... XD Well, time for a dumb guy joke, I think. :)

Two men working in a facory were talking.
"I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?" asked the other.
"Watch," the first said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied, "I'm a lightbulb!"
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"Well, I can't work in the dark," he said.

thelunarmage

thelunarmage

I'm getting too old for this...

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rofl. I like that one bucket-shot. :D :D :D
Here's another one from me which dumps on guys. :)

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards... you need:
A Heart to love him,
A Diamond to marry him,
A Club to smash his head in, and
A Spade to bury him.

I've edited out the bad language that was in the original, just to keep it clean. :)

Phantom: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now, the music of the night! - The Phantom of the Opera

Proud member of: Oldsters |MegatokyoFC | GameThreadSociety | Goddess-Fanclub | Dub-Lovers-Group | ChrnoCrusade | MT-Singles-Club | Minitokyo-Australia

  • Nov 05, 2004

euna

Retired Moderator

euna

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I'm a really bad joker but I got these ones out of a joke book... =_='

1) Mother: Sam!!! Where did you get that black eye???
Sam: I got hit by tomatoes....
Mother: Tomatoes gave you a black eye??? *confused*
Sam: They were in a can.

2) Why didn't the firefly do well at school?
=> It wasn't bright enough!! :D

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*rofl* Nice one lunar. XD
Haha~ and good selections, euna! XD In a can... fufufu~

Thanks for sharing!

PorcelainDoll

PorcelainDoll

Yaoi... My Anti-Drug

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Here is one I learned in elementary school.

One day a guy wanted to go for a ride in an airplane, so he bought a ticket and got on. While on he asked the pilot for a pop bottle, a beer bottle, and a gurnade(sp). He recieved them and threw them out the window one by one. The ride was soon over and he got off. When he got off he saw a woman crying. He went up to her and asked her what was wrong. She said, "A pop bottle came outta no where and hit me on the head." He soon saw a guy crying too and went up to him asked what was wrong. He said. "A beer bottle came outta no where and hit me on the head." He then saw a boy laughing asked why he was laughing. The boy said, "I farted and my house blew up."

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  • Nov 05, 2004
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Haha~ how morbid. ^_^' Weird joke; psycho guy, heheh. XD I recall we used to have silly little jokes like that floating around primary school... can't rember most of them, though, which is a shame.

Zerowing

Zerowing

GraveZero

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So...you wanna hear a dirty joke? I fell in the mud.


You wanna hear a clean one? I took a bath with bubbles.


Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is my neighbor.


lol, not original but clean and dirty at the same time without going too far.

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  • Nov 05, 2004
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Heheh~ talk about taking things literally. XD I'm going to have to remember that one, Zero. Thanks!

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Quote by bucket-shotHaha~ how morbid. ^_^' Weird joke; psycho guy, heheh. XD I recall we used to have silly little jokes like that floating around primary school... can't rember most of them, though, which is a shame.

Hahaha! That reminds me of another one....

There's a cop that goes out in a field after hearing some noise disturbances. There are 3 guys there, the cop says "What the hell are you doing out hjere at this time of night??". The first guy says "I wasn't doing anything, I swear! I was just blowing bubbles!". The cop thinks "ok", and talks to the next guy. Same thing, he said "I was just blowing bubbles officer!". The cop walks up to the third guy and asks "Let me guess...you were blowing bubbles too!?". The man says "No, I am Bubbles."

omglolwtq

  • Nov 07, 2004

thelunarmage

thelunarmage

I'm getting too old for this...

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Okay a new one from me and it has a very bad punch line:

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.

What was he Singing???

Get ready, it's good... :)

i can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone....

If you don't get it, the punch line is from an old 70's song by Johnny Nash. :)

Phantom: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now, the music of the night! - The Phantom of the Opera

Proud member of: Oldsters |MegatokyoFC | GameThreadSociety | Goddess-Fanclub | Dub-Lovers-Group | ChrnoCrusade | MT-Singles-Club | Minitokyo-Australia

  • Nov 08, 2004
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Oh. My. Word. XD *rofl* That one's so bad it borders on painful, lunar... I'm proud of you.

pisot

pisot

Mafia footsoldier

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Hoohoohoohoo! Here's one!

An airplane is making a cross Atlantic flight when the captain comes on over the intercom and informs everyone that they are running short of fuel. He states that if they can lose about 3 people they should make it fine.

After a brief moment, a Frenchman comes forward to where the stewardess has opened a door. The Frenchman shouts 'Viva le France!' and jumps to a certain death.

Seconds later an Englishman comes forward, jumps from the plane after saying 'God Save the Queen!

A moment later a Texan comes forward and shouts 'Remember the Alamo!' and tosses out two Mexicans.

Jimmy: You think those whales piss in that water?
Jelly: No, I think they use the men's room next to the Burger King.

- from the movie Analyze This

  • Nov 13, 2004

thelunarmage

thelunarmage

I'm getting too old for this...

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Lol. Pisot that's a good one. I love those kinds of jokes. Hmm we need more people participating in this thread. I like reading funny jokes to brighten up my day. :D

Phantom: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now, the music of the night! - The Phantom of the Opera

Proud member of: Oldsters |MegatokyoFC | GameThreadSociety | Goddess-Fanclub | Dub-Lovers-Group | ChrnoCrusade | MT-Singles-Club | Minitokyo-Australia

  • Nov 15, 2004
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Okay, not really jokes; these are just little phrases of nonsense. XD But I love 'em.

The smell of your lips is like rain.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze..."

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

thelunarmage

thelunarmage

I'm getting too old for this...

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rofl!!! The hailstones one is my favourite! Where did you get these gems from? :D :D :D

Phantom: You alone can make my song take flight! It's over now, the music of the night! - The Phantom of the Opera

Proud member of: Oldsters |MegatokyoFC | GameThreadSociety | Goddess-Fanclub | Dub-Lovers-Group | ChrnoCrusade | MT-Singles-Club | Minitokyo-Australia

  • Nov 16, 2004
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<lol> The Smell of Your Lips is Like Rain... I think that one was a EuroVision song way back.. ^_^'
The rest I got from those stupid email fwds, I'm pretty sure. XD More I've saved...

For those who enjoy language (or severe distortions thereof):
* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheektocheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted It taint yours and it taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a kneadtoknow basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Nemontine89

Nemontine89

~Stoner~

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Lol, those were some funny stuff. My jokes border on the high cheesy-ness level so here they are

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
NA-Cho cheese! :D

Why was the skeleton afraid to go to the scary movie?
He didn't have the guts.

*I don't want to kill anyone with cheesy-ness so this will be my last one for now

Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
Cuz he was feeling crumbly

Told you they were cheesy :)

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  • Dec 11, 2004

charaznableamurorei

charaznableamurorei

patron saint of doujinshi

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Me will revive this thread, bucket-shot! But I don't know if this is actually funny (kinda corny/cute)... transcribed from a TV commercial shown in my country. ^_^

Situation:
* Guy prepares munching on his fav Skyflake crackers.
* Old granny on the bench looks at him all gooey-eyed and hungry and pained.
* Guy is hit by a lightning bolt of conscience... but feels sad parting ways with his crackers.
* Compromise! Guy breaks a cracker in half, and offers this half to the starving granny.
* Granny thanks guy... then, poof! A magical, beautiful fairy-like being appears in place of the guy!

Conversation:
Granny-turned-into-fairy: I am touched by your kindness. Name a wish and ye shall receive.
Guy : Really? Anything? I wanna sports car!

Situation:
Half of a sports car drops out of the sky.

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  • Jan 08, 2005
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This one's one of my quiet favourites, too. XD From the book, Joke of the Bushveld by David Biggs.

"Koos decided to spend some of his big wool cheque, so he travelled to America and spent some time in Texas, where he was overwhelmed by the size of everything. In his 100-storey hotel he ordered a drink, and it came in such a big glass he had to use two hands to lift it. His steak was so big he couldn't even finish a quarter...

"On his way to bed, he lost his way in the hotel's many corridors. He opened a door and splashed right into the hotel's swimming pool. As he surfaced, he was heard to yell, "Don't flush!"

Kachie-chan

Kachie-chan

"Kay-chee-chan"

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*Guy walks in on his Friend having a conversation on the telephone*

Friend: *to whoever on the phone* "Ya don't say.. Ya don't say.. Ya don't say!"

*Friend puts the phone down*

Guy: *to friend* "Well.. What was that all about?.."
Friend: "He didn't say."

Hahaa, I know, I know - pretty bad! :D I think I saw it on a Film! Lol!

  • Jan 25, 2005

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