The topic for the essay was: How Do I see Myself as a Person?
(Remember, this is for an application form, so I need you guys to be harsh!
:P)
The first time I read the topic for this essay, I thought,
â?Ah, this would be a cinch.â? But it
did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. During the
moments I spent pondering on the question of how I see myself as a person, I was
able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.
I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect
human being; neither am I the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before).
I saw both the negative and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand
times. I found out what kind of person I am; that my friends and my family are
the most important factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep,
that I cannot turn away from them, especially during the times that seem the
bleakest. I surprise even myself, sometimes.
Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I choose to never
abandon my friends. I have accepted them as who they are- each imperfection,
every flaw. The same goes to my family, which does have its minor arguments at
times. Thinking about these decisions and emotions have me reflecting on the
capability of a person to love wholly- love which has proven itself to be
beautiful, mysterious, and at the same time, deadly.
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just canâ?t
seem to take it. I am a pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous, and
angry; I get sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of
no one at all, at that. Being surrounded all the time just
doesnâ?t suite me; â?I need
spaceâ? as they say. But donâ?t get me
wrong, I do love my friends and family. Itâ?s just that, I
need some time for myself, wherein I can just keep quiet, and listen to my own
thoughts- without having to worry if my friend is comfortable with the said
silence, and comfortable with me.
I know I am a good person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good
friend; and I know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for
that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small,
that I made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. But I
talk and act the way I do becauseâ?¦
because this is what is expected of me. And I am willing to be this way- to
sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.
Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldnâ?t want it
any other way.
merged: 11-13-2005 ~ 10:01pm
The essay was supposed to be 3-5 paragraphs long only. Do you think I should
take out the last line ("yep, that's me...), or never mind? Cuz I think it
can count as another paragrapch, yes?
overall impression of the message ur tryin to get across: 'ur not perfect, but
ur tryin' and 'ur jus the average person, but ur happy wit that'
those r good things, but is that the message u want to get across?
anyways...some constructive criticsm:
(and im only bein harsh cus u asked for it, so dun take it so personally
~__^)
Quote by RainWaterThe first time I read
the topic for this essay, I thought,
������¢?Ah,
this would be a
cinch.Ã���Ã��Ãï(...)
But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. During
the moments I spent pondering on the question of how I see myself as a person, I
was able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.
is this part of the essay?
if it is, its not really necessary...
it sounds more like an intro to a preface, rather than an intro to an
essay
Quote by RainWaterI realized that, like
everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect human being; neither am I
the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before). I saw both the negative
and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand times. I found out what
kind of person I am; that my friends and my family are the most important
factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep, that I cannot turn
away from them, especially during the times that seem the bleakest. I surprise
even myself, sometimes.
this is much better for an intro
although, wut u said in brackets isn't really necessary
"i'm not perfect (minimize), but these are the good things about me
(emphasize)"
Quote by RainWaterBut, to be realistic,
there are times when I just
can������¢?t
seem to take it. I am a pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous, and
angry; I get sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of
no one at all, at that. Being surrounded all the time just
doesnÃ���Ã��Ãï¿(...)
suite me;
������¢?I
need
spaceÃ���Ã��Ãï¿(...)
as they say. But
don������¢?t
get me wrong, I do love my friends and family.
It������¢?s
just that, I need some time for myself, wherein I can just keep quiet, and
listen to my own thoughts- without having to worry if my friend is comfortable
with the said silence, and comfortable with me.
this sounds okie to me, but...
depending on who's gonna be reading the essay, u might wanna 'nice' this up a
bit ^___~
oh, and try not to start a paragraph, let alone a sentance, wit but lol
Quote by RainWaterI know I am a good
person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good friend; and I know that
I was not born this way.
semi-colons? jus stick wit commas
Quote by RainWaterI am me because this
is who I choose to be. But I talk and act the way I do
becauseÃ���Ã��Ã(...)
because this is what is expected of me.
this is a bit confusing...
u choose who u want to be,
yet u say who u r is wut other ppl want u to be?
i think i kno wut ur tryin to say, but u might want to reword it a bit more
clearly
Quote by RainWaterYep, that's me: the
Drama Queen. And I
wouldnÃ���Ã��Ãï(...)
want it any other way.
i like this ending, u r accepting u for who u r ^__^
now, jus for fun:
lets guess wut the application is for ^__^
by the essay, i'd say its for a job that deals with people relations
Okay...here's advice coming from a 15 year-old, so you can ignore this if you
want to:
From my knowledge, I believe semicolons (;) are used in a sentence only if the
two COMPLETE sentences are related to one another...I believe you do not have
two complete sentences in one of them.
Second, try not to use parentheses or dashes too much. They make the essay look
more amateur. Note that most formal writing do not use such things.
Third, avoid commas...your essay is very choppy in my opinion. Sure, some here
and there are okay, but I think you have way too many commas in there.
Sorry if I sounded harsh. Maybe I'm just an arrogant brat. ^-^ Maybe I'm just
trying to help. Maybe I'm a correction geek and I try to correct friends'
written work whenever I can. Take your pick. Actually...it's the second and last
one if you're curious Hope I
helped.
i'll do the edits and comments in CAPS (for the most part), ok?
-------------------------------
WHEN I FIRST read the topic for this essay, I thought, Ah, this IS GOING TO be
a cinch. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought
was. [During the moments I spent THINKING ABOUT the question of how I see myself
as a person, I was able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.-- is this your thesis?
you might want to state how you see
yourself...make it stronger somehow.]
I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect
human being; neither am I the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before).
I saw both the negative and positive sideS of myself magnified a thousand times.
I found out what kind of person I am AND that my friends and my family are the
most important factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that
I cannot turn away from them, especially during the BLEAKEST OF TIMES (i'm not
sure that "bleakest" is the right word here... are you trying to find
a synonym for "hardest"?). SOMETIMES I surprise even myself. (WHY?
this is kind of just a random statement out of the blue... do you surprise
yourself in your devotion to your friends and family?)
Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I HAVE CHOSEN to
never abandon my friends. I have accepted them FOR who they are- each
imperfection, every flaw. The same goes FOR my family, which does have its minor
arguments at times. [Thinking about these decisions and emotions have me
reflecting on the capability of a person to love wholly- love which has proven
itself to be beautiful, mysterious, and at the same time, deadly.-- this
sentence is somewhat awkward... you may want to think about rephrasing it
somehow]
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I am a
pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous and angry; I get sad, and lonely.
Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or no one at all. Being surrounded
all of the time just doesn't suit me. I need MY space, as they say. But don't
get me wrong, I do love my friends and family. It's just that I need some time
for myself, where I can just keep quiet and listen to my own thoughts- without
having to worry if my friend is comfortable with the said silence, and
comfortable with me.
I know I am a good person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good
friend; and I know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for
that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small,
that I HAVE made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. [But
I talk and act the way I do because this is what is expected of me.-- you didn't
really discuss this in your essay though... the conclusion should not include
any new topics.] And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long
as those whom I love and cherish are happy.
Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
----------------------------
very nicely written... i changed a few of the minor things. you may want to go
back and see how you can rephrase the phrases connected by semi-colons... you
seem to have a lot of them... well, good luck with the application! ^^ hope that
i was able to help in some small way? take cares!
Ok, so I've taken your very good criticisms, and have reshaped my essay. Do you
think it's still alright? I like what fireflywishes did though- editing it for
me. It really helped my find the right words to put in the right places. I hope
you guys help me out again.
An Essay on How I see myself as a Person.
By: *bleep bleep*
When I first read the topic for this essay, I thought, ah, this is going to be
a cinch. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought
was. The moments I have spent thinking about who I am have changed the way I see
myself. Every time I’d look into the mirror, I would notice every tiny
mark that was in my face. I could see my own soul, looking back at me, asking me
questions I have never thought of before. My world of black and white has
changed; it being replaced by one filled with many different colors for
different things.
I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am neither the most perfect
human being, nor the most beautiful. I saw both the negative and positive side
of myself, magnified by a thousand times. Images of my friends and my family
would stand out in my mind. Their importance in my life had never seemed more
obvious than it is now. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I just
cannot turn away from them, no matter what fate would throw my way.
Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I have chosen to
never abandon my friends. I have accepted them for who they are- each
imperfection, every flaw. The same goes for my family, which does have its minor
arguments at times. These decisions and emotions have me thinking about a
person’s capability to love- love which has proven to be beautiful, yet
blinding.
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I can
get paranoid, jealous, angry, sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company
of my cat, or of no one at all at that. I guess I can honestly say I’m
not a people-person. I need my space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do
love the company. I just need those moments, wherein I can just stare into the
nothingness, and drown in my own thoughts. I really care about the state of
those around me- sometimes, even a bit too much. When others are with me, I
can’t risk going into my own world, and leave them wondering what has
happened.
I know I am a good person, a good daughter, and a good friend; but I also know
that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I
am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I have made and
am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. And I am willing to be
this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are
happy.
Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
merged: 11-20-2005 ~ 02:58pm
PS: Remember, the topic is "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF (MYSELF?) AS A
PERSON"
I wasn't sure how to answer that, though.. Sigh.. Insecurity, here we come.
the intro is good, it starts off alright, but i like the way the intro ends off
better
very beautiful words...like poetry ^___~
'a mirror into my soul'
the very beginning sounds more like casual talking tho,
it would be nice if u can make it sound like u did near the end of the
paragraph
its fine the way it is, as it transitions nicely...
but if u can change the first sentance of the paragraph to sound as purrrty as
the last sentance of the paragraph, that would be great ^___~
the first sentance is always very important in any type of writings
the body is good too
my only suggestion...lose the big 'but' ^__^ at the beginning of the 4th
paragraph
the ending is very strong,
it is much more clear than before
i like the way u reworded it....
u almost give insight into the future,
and u left something memorable for the audience to keep wit them even after they
finish reading the essay
which is always a nice way to end an essay ^___^
I will base my comments on your second revised version:
The biggest weakness of this essay is that it does a poor job in the biggest
criterion for good writing: "show, don't tell." What do I mean by
that?
Take for example this passage:
Quote: I know I am a good person, a
good daughter, and a good friend;
That is telling, not showing. You simply told us that you are a good person.
Instead, aim for showing that aspect of you to us. You want to describe an
incident so that the reader will automatically think you are all those things
without you ever having to write the words "I am a good person." That
is the essense of "showing." You need to have the reader infer the
conclusions you want them to get, but you never spell it out for them. The
actions as described in the essay must speak for themselves.
For example, for this passage:
Quote: I really care about the
state of those around me- sometimes, even a bit too
much.
Describe an incident. Perhaps a friend was hurt in a relationship and you did
those very small things that made all the difference in the world. By describing
the fine details of human life, your voice and your character will come through
much better than simply you telling us that you care. As the reader, I don't
know that. I cannot see for myself that that is indeed true. Show us how you
cared and then we will know that you are a caring person.
I realize that you are probably under a word/page count limit, and thus you
cannot write about every thing in the space alotted. But work on it. Focus on
perhaps 1 key thing in your life that really defines who you are. Describe that
one thing and write about it well. That one shining incident will show us more
than a long list of different characteristics.
"Show, don't tell" is one of the most difficult things about good
writing. I know, as I have seen many examples of good works and not so good
works in my experience as a peer writing editor. But you have a good start. And
remember, the point you always want to come back to is to read your essay and
know from the actions themselves exactly who you really are.
same rules as last time... CAPS for edits, and awkward phrases/comments in
brackets. though to start off i'll say that i agree with EternalParadox-san
about showing versus telling... well anywho... here we go!
Quote by RainWaterWhen I first read the
topic for this essay, I thought THAT IT WAS going to be [a cinch]--perhaps
"easy" would be better here?. But it did not take long for me to
realize how foolish that thought was. The moments I have spent thinking about
who I am have changed the way I see myself. Every time I look into the mirror, I
see my own soul looking back at me, asking me questions I have never thought of
before. My world of black and white has changed; replaced by [one filled with
many different colors for different things.]-- i'm not sure what this is
referring to. it is very vague. you want to basically tell the reader WHAT you
are going to be talking about in the rest of your essay.
[Like everyone else in the world, I am neither the most perfect human being, nor
the most beautiful. I see both the negative and positive side of myself,
magnified by a thousand times. Images of my friends and my family stand out in
my mind. Their importance in my life has never seemed more obvious than it is
now. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I cannot turn away from them,
no matter what fate throws my way.] (these sentences seem very disjointed. you
go from talking about yourself to talking about your friends and family. you
want the paragraph to flow along the same lines... maybe talk about your own
self perception in this paragraph. then in another one talk about your friends
and family. you are also very brief. it would help if you elaborated on some of
the topics you bring up such and the negative and positive sides of
yourself)
Despite the fact that we constantly have disagreements, I have chosen to never
abandon my friends. I have accepted them for who they are- each imperfection,
every flaw. The same goes for my family, which does have its minor arguments at
times. These decisions and emotions CAUSE ME TO THINK about a
person�s capability to
love- love which has proven to be beautiful, yet blinding.
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I can
get paranoid, jealous, angry, sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company
of my cat, or of no one at all at that. I guess I can honestly say
I�m not a
people-person. I need my space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do love
the company. I just need moments where I can just stare into nothingness and
drown in my own thoughts. [I really care about the state of those around me-
sometimes even a bit too much. When others are with me, I
can�t risk going into
my own world, and leave them wondering what has happened.] these two statements
don't really fit in with the 'theme' (for lack of a better word) of this
paragraph. you are talking about how you need alone time... these two sentences
may fit better in your previous paragraph about your love for your friends and
family.
I know I am a good person, a good daughter, and a good friend; but I also know
that I was not born this way. WITH THAT SAID, (err... that's the best i can
think of right now... but you want your essay to sound like you, so if that
doesn't sound like something you would say then change it) neither is anyone
else. [I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small,
that I have made. I am me because this is who I choose to be.] these two
sentences seem kinda of redundant. you're basically saying the same thing two
different ways. I am willing to SACRIFICE MYSELF IN this way as long as those
whom I love and cherish are happy.
Yep, that's me: [the Drama Queen]-- even though you say "Drama Queen"
here you don't really prove that point in your essay. And I wouldn't want it any
other way.
okay, this draft was much better than the first one, but as previously stated, i
agree with EternalParadox-san's comments. i think that your essay would be
stronger if you support your statements with examples. for example, if you say
"i care about the happiness of my friends" you could follow that
statement with a "one time when my friend was feeling down... blah blah
blah" or soemthing to SHOW or demonstrate to the reader how you are a
caring friend.
endnote: so it's for a summer internship thing? when is the application due?
The topic for the essay was: How Do I see Myself as a Person?
(Remember, this is for an application form, so I need you guys to be harsh! :P)
The first time I read the topic for this essay, I thought, â?Ah, this would be a cinch.â? But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. During the moments I spent pondering on the question of how I see myself as a person, I was able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.
I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect human being; neither am I the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before). I saw both the negative and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand times. I found out what kind of person I am; that my friends and my family are the most important factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep, that I cannot turn away from them, especially during the times that seem the bleakest. I surprise even myself, sometimes.
Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I choose to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them as who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes to my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. Thinking about these decisions and emotions have me reflecting on the capability of a person to love wholly- love which has proven itself to be beautiful, mysterious, and at the same time, deadly.
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just canâ?t seem to take it. I am a pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous, and angry; I get sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of no one at all, at that. Being surrounded all the time just doesnâ?t suite me; â?I need spaceâ? as they say. But donâ?t get me wrong, I do love my friends and family. Itâ?s just that, I need some time for myself, wherein I can just keep quiet, and listen to my own thoughts- without having to worry if my friend is comfortable with the said silence, and comfortable with me.
I know I am a good person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good friend; and I know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. But I talk and act the way I do becauseâ?¦ because this is what is expected of me. And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.
Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldnâ?t want it any other way.
merged: 11-13-2005 ~ 10:01pm
The essay was supposed to be 3-5 paragraphs long only. Do you think I should take out the last line ("yep, that's me...), or never mind? Cuz I think it can count as another paragrapch, yes?
sounds good to me ^__~
overall impression of the message ur tryin to get across: 'ur not perfect, but ur tryin' and 'ur jus the average person, but ur happy wit that'
those r good things, but is that the message u want to get across?
anyways...some constructive criticsm:
(and im only bein harsh cus u asked for it, so dun take it so personally ~__^)
is this part of the essay?
if it is, its not really necessary...
it sounds more like an intro to a preface, rather than an intro to an essay
this is much better for an intro
although, wut u said in brackets isn't really necessary
"i'm not perfect (minimize), but these are the good things about me (emphasize)"
this sounds okie to me, but...
depending on who's gonna be reading the essay, u might wanna 'nice' this up a bit ^___~
oh, and try not to start a paragraph, let alone a sentance, wit but lol
semi-colons? jus stick wit commas
this is a bit confusing...
u choose who u want to be,
yet u say who u r is wut other ppl want u to be?
i think i kno wut ur tryin to say, but u might want to reword it a bit more clearly
i like this ending, u r accepting u for who u r ^__^
now, jus for fun:
lets guess wut the application is for ^__^
by the essay, i'd say its for a job that deals with people relations
it's nicely done. seems you worked hard on it
Okay...here's advice coming from a 15 year-old, so you can ignore this if you want to:
From my knowledge, I believe semicolons (;) are used in a sentence only if the two COMPLETE sentences are related to one another...I believe you do not have two complete sentences in one of them.
Second, try not to use parentheses or dashes too much. They make the essay look more amateur. Note that most formal writing do not use such things.
Third, avoid commas...your essay is very choppy in my opinion. Sure, some here and there are okay, but I think you have way too many commas in there.
Sorry if I sounded harsh. Maybe I'm just an arrogant brat. ^-^ Maybe I'm just trying to help. Maybe I'm a correction geek and I try to correct friends' written work whenever I can. Take your pick. Actually...it's the second and last one if you're curious
Hope I
helped.
i'll do the edits and comments in CAPS (for the most part), ok?
-------------------------------
WHEN I FIRST read the topic for this essay, I thought, Ah, this IS GOING TO be a cinch. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. [During the moments I spent THINKING ABOUT the question of how I see myself as a person, I was able to fully grasp who I am, REALLY.-- is this your thesis? you might want to state how you see yourself...make it stronger somehow.]
I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am not the most perfect human being; neither am I the most beautiful (not that I thought I was before). I saw both the negative and positive sideS of myself magnified a thousand times. I found out what kind of person I am AND that my friends and my family are the most important factors in my life. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I cannot turn away from them, especially during the BLEAKEST OF TIMES (i'm not sure that "bleakest" is the right word here... are you trying to find a synonym for "hardest"?). SOMETIMES I surprise even myself. (WHY? this is kind of just a random statement out of the blue... do you surprise yourself in your devotion to your friends and family?)
Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I HAVE CHOSEN to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them FOR who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes FOR my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. [Thinking about these decisions and emotions have me reflecting on the capability of a person to love wholly- love which has proven itself to be beautiful, mysterious, and at the same time, deadly.-- this sentence is somewhat awkward... you may want to think about rephrasing it somehow]
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I am a pessimistic and paranoid person; I get jealous and angry; I get sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or no one at all. Being surrounded all of the time just doesn't suit me. I need MY space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do love my friends and family. It's just that I need some time for myself, where I can just keep quiet and listen to my own thoughts- without having to worry if my friend is comfortable with the said silence, and comfortable with me.
I know I am a good person; I know I am a good daughter; I know I am a good friend; and I know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I HAVE made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. [But I talk and act the way I do because this is what is expected of me.-- you didn't really discuss this in your essay though... the conclusion should not include any new topics.] And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.
Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
----------------------------
very nicely written... i changed a few of the minor things. you may want to go back and see how you can rephrase the phrases connected by semi-colons... you seem to have a lot of them... well, good luck with the application! ^^ hope that i was able to help in some small way? take cares!
Ok, so I've taken your very good criticisms, and have reshaped my essay. Do you think it's still alright? I like what fireflywishes did though- editing it for me. It really helped my find the right words to put in the right places. I hope you guys help me out again.
An Essay on How I see myself as a Person.
By: *bleep bleep*
When I first read the topic for this essay, I thought, ah, this is going to be a cinch. But it did not take long for me to realize how foolish that thought was. The moments I have spent thinking about who I am have changed the way I see myself. Every time I’d look into the mirror, I would notice every tiny mark that was in my face. I could see my own soul, looking back at me, asking me questions I have never thought of before. My world of black and white has changed; it being replaced by one filled with many different colors for different things.
I realized that, like everyone else in the world, I am neither the most perfect human being, nor the most beautiful. I saw both the negative and positive side of myself, magnified by a thousand times. Images of my friends and my family would stand out in my mind. Their importance in my life had never seemed more obvious than it is now. My love and loyalty to them runs so deep that I just cannot turn away from them, no matter what fate would throw my way.
Despite the fact that we would constantly have disagreements, I have chosen to never abandon my friends. I have accepted them for who they are- each imperfection, every flaw. The same goes for my family, which does have its minor arguments at times. These decisions and emotions have me thinking about a person’s capability to love- love which has proven to be beautiful, yet blinding.
But, to be realistic, there are times when I just can't seem to take it. I can get paranoid, jealous, angry, sad, and lonely. Sometimes, I prefer the company of my cat, or of no one at all at that. I guess I can honestly say I’m not a people-person. I need my space, as they say. But don't get me wrong, I do love the company. I just need those moments, wherein I can just stare into the nothingness, and drown in my own thoughts. I really care about the state of those around me- sometimes, even a bit too much. When others are with me, I can’t risk going into my own world, and leave them wondering what has happened.
I know I am a good person, a good daughter, and a good friend; but I also know that I was not born this way. Neither is anyone else, for that fact. I am who I am because of each and every decision, both big and small, that I have made and am making. I am me because this is who I choose to be. And I am willing to be this way- to sacrifice myself, as long as those whom I love and cherish are happy.
Yep, that's me: the Drama Queen. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
merged: 11-20-2005 ~ 02:58pm
PS: Remember, the topic is "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF (MYSELF?) AS A PERSON"
I wasn't sure how to answer that, though.. Sigh.. Insecurity, here we come.
hiya again ^__^
its sounding much better
okie, lets seee...
the intro is good, it starts off alright, but i like the way the intro ends off better
very beautiful words...like poetry ^___~
'a mirror into my soul'
the very beginning sounds more like casual talking tho,
it would be nice if u can make it sound like u did near the end of the paragraph
its fine the way it is, as it transitions nicely...
but if u can change the first sentance of the paragraph to sound as purrrty as the last sentance of the paragraph, that would be great ^___~
the first sentance is always very important in any type of writings
the body is good too
my only suggestion...lose the big 'but' ^__^ at the beginning of the 4th paragraph
the ending is very strong,
it is much more clear than before
i like the way u reworded it....
u almost give insight into the future,
and u left something memorable for the audience to keep wit them even after they finish reading the essay
which is always a nice way to end an essay ^___^
anyways, good stuffs and good lucks ^___~
I will base my comments on your second revised version:
The biggest weakness of this essay is that it does a poor job in the biggest criterion for good writing: "show, don't tell." What do I mean by that?
Take for example this passage:
That is telling, not showing. You simply told us that you are a good person. Instead, aim for showing that aspect of you to us. You want to describe an incident so that the reader will automatically think you are all those things without you ever having to write the words "I am a good person." That is the essense of "showing." You need to have the reader infer the conclusions you want them to get, but you never spell it out for them. The actions as described in the essay must speak for themselves.
For example, for this passage:
Describe an incident. Perhaps a friend was hurt in a relationship and you did those very small things that made all the difference in the world. By describing the fine details of human life, your voice and your character will come through much better than simply you telling us that you care. As the reader, I don't know that. I cannot see for myself that that is indeed true. Show us how you cared and then we will know that you are a caring person.
I realize that you are probably under a word/page count limit, and thus you cannot write about every thing in the space alotted. But work on it. Focus on perhaps 1 key thing in your life that really defines who you are. Describe that one thing and write about it well. That one shining incident will show us more than a long list of different characteristics.
"Show, don't tell" is one of the most difficult things about good writing. I know, as I have seen many examples of good works and not so good works in my experience as a peer writing editor. But you have a good start. And remember, the point you always want to come back to is to read your essay and know from the actions themselves exactly who you really are.
same rules as last time... CAPS for edits, and awkward phrases/comments in brackets. though to start off i'll say that i agree with EternalParadox-san about showing versus telling... well anywho... here we go!
okay, this draft was much better than the first one, but as previously stated, i agree with EternalParadox-san's comments. i think that your essay would be stronger if you support your statements with examples. for example, if you say "i care about the happiness of my friends" you could follow that statement with a "one time when my friend was feeling down... blah blah blah" or soemthing to SHOW or demonstrate to the reader how you are a caring friend.
endnote: so it's for a summer internship thing? when is the application due?
It's until december 10. :P
Hrrm, "show and tell"? Only heard of that now.
I think
being on MT is better than english class. Lol.
alright. Thanks again. I'll try to rework again.