BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon?
BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there?
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot, passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: No, because you make me sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the
mouth.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
GIRLFRIEND: ...And are you sure you love me and no one else?
BOYFRIEND: Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
TEACHER: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
PUPIL: The moon.
TEACHER: Why?
PUPIL: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us
light only in the day time when we don't need it.
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
WAITER: Would you like your coffee black?
CUSTOMER: What other colors do you have?
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
affairs.
TEACHER: Sam, you talk a lot!
SAM: It's a family tradition.
TEACHER: What do you mean?
SAM: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
TEACHER: What about your mother?
SAM: She's a woman.
TOM : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
DAVID: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance
repeated.
TEACHER: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what
virtue would I be showing?
STUDENT: Brotherly love.
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly. Do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.
PATIENT: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
DOCTOR: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people
die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others
all died.
TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of coincidence?
ONE STUDENT: Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day and at the
same time.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but
also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
ONE STUDENT: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did. Have a good laugh!
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this
job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going
to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or
something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of
your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and
the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you
answered, 'Me either'.
This one is a really good joke, and it actually happened to my
grandfather:
A Florida man was driving down a bridge when a Pelican roosting on one of the
bridge posts got up and fly across the road, and was hit by the man's
windshield. The Pelican rolled over the car and onto the hood of a police car
behind him. The officer then turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
"What seems to be the problem, officer?" said the man when the
policeman walked up to his window.
"Well, it seems that you gave me the bird."
merged: 11-30-2005 ~ 09:52am
(Note: For our international visitors - Thanksgiving is our annual feast of
harvest, and a typical family dinner includes baking a huge turkey, stuffed with
bread stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, candied sweet potatoes, green bean
casserole, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream on it.
01. Talk about huge breasts!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05 Whew, that's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
Leading a buffalo on a rope, a man walks into a cafe, sits his shotgun on the
counter and orders coffee. After drinking it in one gulp, he blasts the buffalo
with the gun and leaves.
He returns the next morning, gun and buffalo in tow. "Coffee, please."
says the man.
"We're still cleaning from yesterday," the waiter replies. "What
was that about, anyway?"
Smiling proudly, the man says, "I'm training for upper management. I come
in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave a mess for others to clean up and
disappear for the rest of the day."
Snow White bought a new camera. She happily took pictures of the dwarfs and the
forest, and dropped off her first roll of film to be developed. A few days
later, she went to pick up the finished photos.
"I'm sorry," the clerk told her. "They aren't back yet."
Disappointed, Snow White started to cry.
"Don't worry," the clerk said. "Someday your prints will
come."
"When does the Loch Ness monster show?" the tourist asked his guide.
"Oh, usually after the fifth shot of whisky"
Bob was sitting across from his wife, Marlene, reading the paper when he noticed
a story about a beautiful actress who was engaged to a football player known for
his stupidity and penchant for fighting.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive
women," he said to his wife.
Marlene smiled at Bob. "Why thank you, dear."
Eddie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right
behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.
"It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,"
she said. "But I just can't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."
"What do you mean?" Ediie asked, dumbfounded.
"Well, Isaw them flip a coin, and one team god it," she eplained.
"And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the
quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-llllo! It's only 25 cents."
Saddam Hussein decided that he wanted to write his memoirs, so he asked his
guard for a stenographer.
The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.
"No, thanks," said Saddam. "I'm a dictator."
"I'm afraid you've only got hree weeks to live," the doctor told his
patient. After thinking a little while, the patient replied "Then I'll take
the last two weeks of July and the week between Christmas and New
Year's."
Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian.
"What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.
"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator says.
"Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I
wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by." Concerned, the vet gives him
a thorough examination and hands him a few pills.
"What are these?" the gator asks.
"It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.
"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem!" the alligator protests.
"What exactly is wrong with me?"
"Well," the vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."
There were three guys who went to the wilderness. They then met up with a tribe
of cannibals. The cannibals said that if anyone of the three guys can fill their
behinds with 5 pieces of any fruit they find around the forrest without making
any facial expressions successfully. So the three guys went and found fruit. The
first guy came with " apples ". So he started. At the first one he
inserted, he started to tear and squinted in pain. So he was unsuccessful. The
next guy started; one, two, three, then at the fourth he started to smile and
burst out laughing in pain...The first guy went up and asked the second
guy,"Why did you start to laugh...we were almost out of here..."The
second guy said, "I saw the other guy come back with
watermelons!"
There were three guys: one was a mathmatician, one was an archaeologist, and the
other was an idiot. They all suddenly died and went to heaven. The devil came
and interrupted them as they were going up. He said, " which ever one of
you can out smart me on anything, I'll let you pass." So the math dude
asked him to solve the equation he concocted, but the devil competed it in 5
seconds...so poof, he's gone. The fossil dude asked him to identify the artifact
he discovered, but the devil already knew what it was...poof, bye bye...Now this
guy...he told the devil to give him a chair...drill seven holes in the
chair...the dumb dude sat on it and farted...he asked, "Uhuh, like okay
dude, which one of these holes did my gas like come outta?...replied the devil,
"That one there," and pointed to the third hole...dude
said,"Nope, it came from " my " hole man...so heaven he
goes...
A family drove to Disneyland. They came to a sign that says DisneyLand LEFT, so
they went home.
A man was watching TV one day, he heard a knock on the door, so he
went to answer it. When he opened it, no one was there, but a snail on the
floor.
He picked it up and threw it as far as he could. 3 years has passed and again
the door knocked while he was watching TV. He opened and there was that same
snail. The snail looked up and said "What in the heck was that
for?"
One day a UFO drove into a gas station. In amazement the guy who works there
ask isn't UFO stand for Unidentify Flying Object? No said one the aliens, it
stands
for Unlead Fuel Only.
A old lady got into her car and immediately called the police.
She reported that they stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, radio,
everything! Then the police came and saw what happened. One of the police
reported back to the station, disregard that call, she accidentally got
into the back seat.
A group of old man was riding in a car at 35mph, the cruiser pulled up next to
the
driver and said did you know your only going 35?
The driver said yea because the sign says 35.
The police replied that's the road sign. And why are the guys in the back so
scared?
The driver replied we just got off highway 95!
a young man just started his bussiness and has rented a beautiful office.
A customer came and in a desperate to look busy he picked up the
phone and start to talk pretending he had a big deal. Once he hung up,
he asked the customer, how may I help you? The customer said yes,
I came here to installed the phone!
A professor said to a student once, I made a new invention!
The student asked what does it do?
It allows people to look though brick walls replies the professor.
What is it called asked the student?
The professor said it's a window!
A young teacher ran into a friend she hadn't met since elementary school. She
told her friend: Guess what, since we last met I've gotten married
Friend: That's good.
Her:But he's not really handsome.
Friend:That's bad
Her: But he's a millionaire
Friend: That's very good.
Her:He's also very stingy
Friend: That's very bad
Her:Despite his stinginess, he built me a mansion.
Friend: That's good.
Her: But it burned down
Friend: That's bad
Her: When it burned down, he was in it.
Her friend didn't know what to say...
merged: 12-26-2005 ~ 10:42am
Here's another:
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your condition is irreversible. You only
have ten left.
Patient: Ten what, doc? Months? Years?
Doc: Ten... Nine... Eight... ..
Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at
any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to
gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a
better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age
and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger
samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends
to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child)
for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
smell.
Bathing the Cat
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will
be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and
make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is
actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will
dry himself.
But SKR isn't it funny, though? It's a battle place for me and Roon! We're
battling who's funnier than who!
If you want someone who will bring you the paper, without first tearing it apart
to remove the sports section: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of
seeing you: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says
its not quite as good as his mother made: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and
wherever you want: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a darn about
football, sit next to you as you watch romantic movies: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed, just to warm your
feet, and whom you can push off if he snores: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, who doesn't care if you
are pretty or ugly: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who doesn't care if you are fat or thin, young or old: Buy a
Dog! ! !
If you want someone who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of
listening to and loves you unconditionally: Buy a Dog! ! !
But, on the other hand...
If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when
you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around
all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire
existence is solely to ensure his happiness:
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon?
BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there?
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot, passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: No, because you make me sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
GIRLFRIEND: ...And are you sure you love me and no one else?
BOYFRIEND: Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
TEACHER: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
PUPIL: The moon.
TEACHER: Why?
PUPIL: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
WAITER: Would you like your coffee black?
CUSTOMER: What other colors do you have?
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
TEACHER: Sam, you talk a lot!
SAM: It's a family tradition.
TEACHER: What do you mean?
SAM: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
TEACHER: What about your mother?
SAM: She's a woman.
TOM : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
DAVID: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.
TEACHER: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
STUDENT: Brotherly love.
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly. Do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.
PATIENT: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
DOCTOR: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.
TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of coincidence?
ONE STUDENT: Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day and at the same time.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
ONE STUDENT: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did. Have a good laugh!
lol, many are funny. Others aren't.
I got one close to one you tell.
GIRL: I love you
BOY: I do love me too.
Job Fair
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
most are funny, really.
here's one:
Confucius says: don't drink and drive. you'll spill some of it.
lol those are funny..
lol..damn funny..thanks for sharing..^^
This one is a really good joke, and it actually happened to my grandfather:
A Florida man was driving down a bridge when a Pelican roosting on one of the bridge posts got up and fly across the road, and was hit by the man's windshield. The Pelican rolled over the car and onto the hood of a police car behind him. The officer then turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
"What seems to be the problem, officer?" said the man when the policeman walked up to his window.
"Well, it seems that you gave me the bird."
heres one
merged: 11-30-2005 ~ 09:52am
(Note: For our international visitors - Thanksgiving is our annual feast of harvest, and a typical family dinner includes baking a huge turkey, stuffed with bread stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, candied sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream on it.
01. Talk about huge breasts!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05 Whew, that's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
I can't stop!
Leading a buffalo on a rope, a man walks into a cafe, sits his shotgun on the counter and orders coffee. After drinking it in one gulp, he blasts the buffalo with the gun and leaves.
He returns the next morning, gun and buffalo in tow. "Coffee, please." says the man.
"We're still cleaning from yesterday," the waiter replies. "What was that about, anyway?"
Smiling proudly, the man says, "I'm training for upper management. I come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave a mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day."
Snow White bought a new camera. She happily took pictures of the dwarfs and the forest, and dropped off her first roll of film to be developed. A few days later, she went to pick up the finished photos.
"I'm sorry," the clerk told her. "They aren't back yet."
Disappointed, Snow White started to cry.
"Don't worry," the clerk said. "Someday your prints will come."
"When does the Loch Ness monster show?" the tourist asked his guide. "Oh, usually after the fifth shot of whisky"
Bob was sitting across from his wife, Marlene, reading the paper when he noticed a story about a beautiful actress who was engaged to a football player known for his stupidity and penchant for fighting.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive women," he said to his wife.
Marlene smiled at Bob. "Why thank you, dear."
hahaha most of all em, even though ive seen most before
Psh, and you thought I was done...
Eddie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles," she said. "But I just can't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
"What do you mean?" Ediie asked, dumbfounded.
"Well, Isaw them flip a coin, and one team god it," she eplained. "And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-llllo! It's only 25 cents."
Saddam Hussein decided that he wanted to write his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.
The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.
"No, thanks," said Saddam. "I'm a dictator."
"I'm afraid you've only got hree weeks to live," the doctor told his patient. After thinking a little while, the patient replied "Then I'll take the last two weeks of July and the week between Christmas and New Year's."
Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian.
"What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.
"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by." Concerned, the vet gives him a thorough examination and hands him a few pills.
"What are these?" the gator asks.
"It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.
"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem!" the alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"
"Well," the vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."
roflmao these are so funneh! thanks fo posting dese. they bring meh lots of fun.
lol funny
There were three guys who went to the wilderness. They then met up with a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals said that if anyone of the three guys can fill their behinds with 5 pieces of any fruit they find around the forrest without making any facial expressions successfully. So the three guys went and found fruit. The first guy came with " apples ". So he started. At the first one he inserted, he started to tear and squinted in pain. So he was unsuccessful. The next guy started; one, two, three, then at the fourth he started to smile and burst out laughing in pain...The first guy went up and asked the second guy,"Why did you start to laugh...we were almost out of here..."The second guy said, "I saw the other guy come back with watermelons!"
There were three guys: one was a mathmatician, one was an archaeologist, and the other was an idiot. They all suddenly died and went to heaven. The devil came and interrupted them as they were going up. He said, " which ever one of you can out smart me on anything, I'll let you pass." So the math dude asked him to solve the equation he concocted, but the devil competed it in 5 seconds...so poof, he's gone. The fossil dude asked him to identify the artifact he discovered, but the devil already knew what it was...poof, bye bye...Now this guy...he told the devil to give him a chair...drill seven holes in the chair...the dumb dude sat on it and farted...he asked, "Uhuh, like okay dude, which one of these holes did my gas like come outta?...replied the devil, "That one there," and pointed to the third hole...dude said,"Nope, it came from " my " hole man...so heaven he goes...
I dunno if these ones here are funny but...okie
Hey, you hear about the actor that fell through the floor, yeah it was just a stage he was going through
Here are some more!
A family drove to Disneyland. They came to a sign that says DisneyLand LEFT, so
they went home.
A man was watching TV one day, he heard a knock on the door, so he
went to answer it. When he opened it, no one was there, but a snail on the floor.
He picked it up and threw it as far as he could. 3 years has passed and again the door knocked while he was watching TV. He opened and there was that same snail. The snail looked up and said "What in the heck was that for?"
One day a UFO drove into a gas station. In amazement the guy who works there
ask isn't UFO stand for Unidentify Flying Object? No said one the aliens, it stands
for Unlead Fuel Only.
A old lady got into her car and immediately called the police.
She reported that they stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, radio,
everything! Then the police came and saw what happened. One of the police reported back to the station, disregard that call, she accidentally got
into the back seat.
A group of old man was riding in a car at 35mph, the cruiser pulled up next to the
driver and said did you know your only going 35?
The driver said yea because the sign says 35.
The police replied that's the road sign. And why are the guys in the back so scared?
The driver replied we just got off highway 95!
a young man just started his bussiness and has rented a beautiful office.
A customer came and in a desperate to look busy he picked up the
phone and start to talk pretending he had a big deal. Once he hung up,
he asked the customer, how may I help you? The customer said yes,
I came here to installed the phone!
A professor said to a student once, I made a new invention!
The student asked what does it do?
It allows people to look though brick walls replies the professor.
What is it called asked the student?
The professor said it's a window!
I've got one:
A young teacher ran into a friend she hadn't met since elementary school. She told her friend: Guess what, since we last met I've gotten married
Friend: That's good.
Her:But he's not really handsome.
Friend:That's bad
Her: But he's a millionaire
Friend: That's very good.
Her:He's also very stingy
Friend: That's very bad
Her:Despite his stinginess, he built me a mansion.
Friend: That's good.
Her: But it burned down
Friend: That's bad
Her: When it burned down, he was in it.
Her friend didn't know what to say...
merged: 12-26-2005 ~ 10:42am
Here's another:
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your condition is irreversible. You only have ten left.
Patient: Ten what, doc? Months? Years?
Doc: Ten... Nine... Eight... ..
Q: Whats the hardest part about skydiving?
A: The ground
hahaha. . .
here's a stupid one i remember from way back
confucius say: man who stand on toilet is high on pot
You think thats stupid
try this
Q: What do you get if a Huskey bites you?
A: Frostbite
merged: 01-02-2006 ~ 04:29am
I seriously just made that up
Chemical analysis of human elements
Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Bathing the Cat
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
isn't this a joke place not a battle place...
But SKR isn't it funny, though? It's a battle place for me and Roon! We're battling who's funnier than who!
If you want someone who will bring you the paper, without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a darn about football, sit next to you as you watch romantic movies: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed, just to warm your feet, and whom you can push off if he snores: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, who doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who doesn't care if you are fat or thin, young or old: Buy a Dog! ! !
If you want someone who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to and loves you unconditionally: Buy a Dog! ! !
But, on the other hand...
If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness:
Get a MAN!
@__@
ooooooh...lol
...hey HGD...(joke so no offence)
Your forehead is so big, it caused a new ice age because it eclipsed the sun...lol