Welcome to the Comedy Bar!
Here, YOU get to tell the jokes you know and the next poster will say how funny
he/she finds it... Then he/she posts a joke of his/her own.
Simple, yeah?
Here goes mine:
A man was going home late one night and decided to take a shortcut through the
local cemetery. Once inside, though, he experiences the fright of his life as he
hears a chipping sound at the end of the path his walking. "There are no
ghosts, there are no ghosts" he said to himself while he walked down the
path, but the chipping sound continued to grow louder and louder. At the end of
the path, he saw an old man chipping away at a tombstone, "Oh, God. You
scared me to death! What're you doing here anyway? It's the middle of the
night!" said the man. The old man answered," Damn Stonecutters! They
wrote my birthday wrong in this here stone!"
Here's another one:
A young boy asks his playmate how he gets so much money from his parents all the
time. His friend replies " Just tell them 'I know...' in a really serious
voice and they'll give you money." "Really?! That simple, eh. I'll go
try it now" said the boy. So, he goes home and finds his mom doing the
dishes. "Mom", he starts," I know..." His mother looks
shocked, then takes out her wallet and gives the boy $50.00. "Don't tell
your father, okay", his mom said. He then finds his dad working on the
garage and he tells him, "Dad... I know..." His dad goes as red as
ketchup and takes out his wallet and gives the boy $100.00. "Don't tell
your mother", his dad says. the boy couldn't believe his luck, so he tries
it on the gardener working on their front lawn. " Emilio... I
know...", the boy said. The gardener goes teary eyed and looks at the boy,
then he kneels and opens his hands wide, " Then give papi a big hug, mi
unico hijo!"
Oh wait, wait! Is the gardener his dad?! Omg, I'm speechless. That's a good
one!
Here's another one... a lame one, I'm afraid.
A priest walked into a dying patient's room. Upon seeing him, the patient
appeared very excited. He frantically wrote something on a slip of paper and
handed it to the priest. Two minutes later, he died.
The priest thought that the slip of paper probably contained the man's last
wishes and so intended to read the message during his funeral.
The message reads as follows: 'Father, you're stepping on my oxygen tube.'
o.o;; The ones before are funny but that one wasn't. Poor guy.
I have a funny yet perverted one. Okay here I go:
A hippie walks into a church and sees a nun. He walks up to her and goes,
"Will you do me?" She looked at him and said no.
He gets real bummed out because she was hot and he really liked her and he goes
and gets on a bus. The bus driver sees how bummed he is and goes, "What's
wrong, you look unhappy." The hippie goes, "I liked this nun but she
wouldn't do me." The bus driver nods and says, "I can get her to do
you. Go to the graveyard at 2am for a week and you will see her praying to god.
At the end of the week jump out in a god costume and yell, "IM GOD! DO
ME!"
So the hippie takes his advice and sure enough he sees the nun. He waits a week
and at the last day he jumps out and goes, "IM GOD! DO ME!" The nun
agreed as long as it was up the butt so she could keep her virginity and he
agrees.
They finish and the hippie pulls of his mask and goes, "HAHA! I'm the
hippie!"
And the nun pulls off her mask and goes, "HAHA! I'm the busdriver!"
Kuro-kun, you have a sick mind*strangles her*. That is sooo wrong.
Here's mine:
Great white shark: I'll tell ya whats what, so what?
Fish: what?
Great white: what what?
Fish: what? You said what first!
Great white: what, now ya makin' fun of me?
Fish: no, I'm just sayin' what cuz you said what?
Great white: say what?
Fish: .....
Quote by PilotWing Kuro-kun, you have a
sick mind*strangles her*. That is sooo wrong.
Here's mine:
Great white shark: I'll tell ya whats what, so what?
Fish: what?
Great white: what what?
Fish: what? You said what first!
Great white: what, now ya makin' fun of me?
Fish: no, I'm just sayin' what cuz you said what?
Great white: say what?
Fish: .....
Wrong as in the butt sex, or wrong in terms of the nun? I think that was
hilarious *breals stranlehold*. Kuro-kun, can you give me some more of those
jokes? They're awesome.
As for your joke Pilot........
Here's mine (the material is non-original and if you think you know where I got
this from, please PM me ASAP [this joke has also been varied from the
original):
So, I go walkin' in with my aunt into da um... Victoria's Secret the other day,
oooohhh and I love da Victoria's Secret. I'm like a retard in a room full 'o
bouncy balls in dere, A'll tell you what. Now, I'll tell you that my aunt weighs
375 lbs. and when she stepped on one 'o them talkin' scales, it goes *in a
choking voice* WHAT THE FUCK?! So, we go in dere and she asked the clerk "I
wanna see some sexy underbritches in my size." The clerk goes "Me
too!"
I never get tired of that one! I love it!
And in case you were wondering that joke was from.............
THE FUNNIEST GUY IN COMEDY! (i'm gonna let you guys figure out the
rest)
If you just can't figure it out, PM me and I'll tell you, ok?
Here are some of the insulting jokes I've heard...
Your mama's so wide, she stood in front of the hollywood sign and it spelled
'H'-'D'...
Your mama's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died...
Your mama's so dumb, she jump off a window and fell up...
o.o; *Was strangled.* HEY IM A PERVERTED GIRL! WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?! *Breaths
when it is broken.* Sunny... I didn't get your joke. And Samu... The only funny
one was the "your moma's so old"... >> Now let's see? ... I
forgot all of my jokes. I'll
get some later.
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of
himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of
Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,
....So...She's a harlot or something? *Doesn't get it.* Did she kill them?! OMG!
@_@ Uh...Let's see...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Hey man, why the long
face?"
I forget my jokes. Plus I get the funny ones from a loser named Mike that I want
to kill really badly. He hurt me the other day and I was bleeding. The
meanie...
Okay here's a joke...
If it offends anyone, please forgive me. I do not wish to offend.
Here goes...
Three holy men, a Muslim, a Buddhist, and a Christian have been arguing which
one's religion is better.
They agreed to settle it in a contest of faith.
They went to a high cliff with sharp rocks at its base, and they would jump from
it. Whoever survives is the winner.
The Muslim jumped first... "Allah, Allah, Allah" he prayedm but he
died on the rocks below.
The Buddhist jumped next... "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he prayed, and as
he was about to hit the rocks, he expertly floated up and back to the cliff.
The Catholic jumped last... "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" he prayed, but he
continued to soar down to the rocks, then he too clumsily floated up and back to
the cliff... praying "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha"
here's a really lame joke my friend told me at music camp.
kid no.1: mom, why was I named Rose?
the mother: that's because a rose landed on your head on the day you were born,
dear.
kid no.2: mom, why was I named Daisy?
the mother: that's because a daisy landed on your head the day you were born.
kid no.3: mama, why was I named Tulip?
the mother: that's because a tulip landed on your head on the day you were
born.
kid no.4: HEY MUUUM!
the mother: oh shud up Fridge!
...here's mine...I don't think it's really funny though
There was a man (let say his name was John) who died and was sent to the gates
of heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
St. Peter: John, I'm afraid I can't let you in Heaven. You still have a sin that
you forgot to confess before you died.
John: Then what should I do to get to Heaven?
St. Peter: Go back to the earth and give me a white chicken. Then, I will let
you in Heaven.
John goes back to earth and grabs a white chicken. On his way back to St. Peter,
he met his best friend Bobby who also just died. John and Bobby went to St.
Peter.
St. Peter: John, you really are a good man. You brought a white chicken to
me..and that's not all, you also brought a pig with you.
ok heres a perverted joke:
Lady walks into the doctors office shes says "doctor i think i'm
sick"
"well, lets take your temperature through your rectum"
couple minutes later...
"uhhh...doctor. thats not my rectum..."
"thats ok. its not a thermometer"
and now for some yo mama jokes:
yo mama so fat, when she hauls ass. she has to make 2 trips.
yo mama so fat, she sweats corn oil.
Yo mama so fat, were in her right now
Yo mama so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mama so stupid, you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid, that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so fat, she got on a plane and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear
infection.
The Italian who went to Malta
(must be read with an Italian accent)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna
to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma
bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and
knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I
tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I got back to my room inna hotel and
there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He
telle me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I
say piss on you too, you sonna my bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Quote by samu02Welcome to the Comedy
Bar!
Here, YOU get to tell the jokes you know and the next poster will say how funny
he/she finds it... Then he/she posts a joke of his/her own.
Simple, yeah?
Here goes mine:
A man was going home late one night and decided to take a shortcut through the
local cemetery. Once inside, though, he experiences the fright of his life as he
hears a chipping sound at the end of the path his walking. "There are no
ghosts, there are no ghosts" he said to himself while he walked down the
path, but the chipping sound continued to grow louder and louder. At the end of
the path, he saw an old man chipping away at a tombstone, "Oh, God. You
scared me to death! What're you doing here anyway? It's the middle of the
night!" said the man. The old man answered," Damn Stonecutters! They
wrote my birthday wrong in this here stone!"
Welcome to the Comedy Bar!
Here, YOU get to tell the jokes you know and the next poster will say how funny he/she finds it... Then he/she posts a joke of his/her own.
Simple, yeah?
Here goes mine:
A man was going home late one night and decided to take a shortcut through the local cemetery. Once inside, though, he experiences the fright of his life as he hears a chipping sound at the end of the path his walking. "There are no ghosts, there are no ghosts" he said to himself while he walked down the path, but the chipping sound continued to grow louder and louder. At the end of the path, he saw an old man chipping away at a tombstone, "Oh, God. You scared me to death! What're you doing here anyway? It's the middle of the night!" said the man. The old man answered," Damn Stonecutters! They wrote my birthday wrong in this here stone!"
Well, whatdyahink?
Ahha, intellectually amusing.
I've got a rather amusing joke but I guess I'll start light.
There was a man who encountered a genie.
Genie: Mortal, I'll grant you 3 wishes but whatever you wish for, your greatest enemy will get the same double.
Man: All right, I'd like to be have a billion dollars.
Genie: Granted, and your enemy gets 2 billions.
Man: For my second wish, I'll like to own 100 cars.
Genie: Granted. Go ahead.
Man: For my third wish... you know? I always wanted to donate a liver.
...
*giggles* ... really interesting
Here's another one:
A young boy asks his playmate how he gets so much money from his parents all the time. His friend replies " Just tell them 'I know...' in a really serious voice and they'll give you money." "Really?! That simple, eh. I'll go try it now" said the boy. So, he goes home and finds his mom doing the dishes. "Mom", he starts," I know..." His mother looks shocked, then takes out her wallet and gives the boy $50.00. "Don't tell your father, okay", his mom said. He then finds his dad working on the garage and he tells him, "Dad... I know..." His dad goes as red as ketchup and takes out his wallet and gives the boy $100.00. "Don't tell your mother", his dad says. the boy couldn't believe his luck, so he tries it on the gardener working on their front lawn. " Emilio... I know...", the boy said. The gardener goes teary eyed and looks at the boy, then he kneels and opens his hands wide, " Then give papi a big hug, mi unico hijo!"
Oh wait, wait! Is the gardener his dad?! Omg, I'm speechless. That's a good one!
Here's another one... a lame one, I'm afraid.
A priest walked into a dying patient's room. Upon seeing him, the patient appeared very excited. He frantically wrote something on a slip of paper and handed it to the priest. Two minutes later, he died.
The priest thought that the slip of paper probably contained the man's last wishes and so intended to read the message during his funeral.
The message reads as follows: 'Father, you're stepping on my oxygen tube.'
o.o;; The ones before are funny but that one wasn't. Poor guy.
I have a funny yet perverted one. Okay here I go:
A hippie walks into a church and sees a nun. He walks up to her and goes, "Will you do me?" She looked at him and said no.
He gets real bummed out because she was hot and he really liked her and he goes and gets on a bus. The bus driver sees how bummed he is and goes, "What's wrong, you look unhappy." The hippie goes, "I liked this nun but she wouldn't do me." The bus driver nods and says, "I can get her to do you. Go to the graveyard at 2am for a week and you will see her praying to god. At the end of the week jump out in a god costume and yell, "IM GOD! DO ME!"
So the hippie takes his advice and sure enough he sees the nun. He waits a week and at the last day he jumps out and goes, "IM GOD! DO ME!" The nun agreed as long as it was up the butt so she could keep her virginity and he agrees.
They finish and the hippie pulls of his mask and goes, "HAHA! I'm the hippie!"
And the nun pulls off her mask and goes, "HAHA! I'm the busdriver!"
xDDD!
Kuro-kun, you have a sick mind*strangles her*. That is sooo wrong.
Here's mine:
Great white shark: I'll tell ya whats what, so what?
Fish: what?
Great white: what what?
Fish: what? You said what first!
Great white: what, now ya makin' fun of me?
Fish: no, I'm just sayin' what cuz you said what?
Great white: say what?
Fish: .....
Wrong as in the butt sex, or wrong in terms of the nun? I think that was hilarious *breals stranlehold*. Kuro-kun, can you give me some more of those jokes? They're awesome.
As for your joke Pilot........
Here's mine (the material is non-original and if you think you know where I got this from, please PM me ASAP [this joke has also been varied from the original):
So, I go walkin' in with my aunt into da um... Victoria's Secret the other day, oooohhh and I love da Victoria's Secret. I'm like a retard in a room full 'o bouncy balls in dere, A'll tell you what. Now, I'll tell you that my aunt weighs 375 lbs. and when she stepped on one 'o them talkin' scales, it goes *in a choking voice* WHAT THE FUCK?! So, we go in dere and she asked the clerk "I wanna see some sexy underbritches in my size." The clerk goes "Me too!"
I never get tired of that one! I love it!
And in case you were wondering that joke was from.............
THE FUNNIEST GUY IN COMEDY! (i'm gonna let you guys figure out the rest)
If you just can't figure it out, PM me and I'll tell you, ok?
Happy joking!
Sanjay
PS: GIT-R-DONE!
Hehe... your joke gave me ideas...
Here are some of the insulting jokes I've heard...
Your mama's so wide, she stood in front of the hollywood sign and it spelled 'H'-'D'...
Your mama's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died...
Your mama's so dumb, she jump off a window and fell up...
o.o; *Was strangled.* HEY IM A PERVERTED GIRL! WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?! *Breaths when it is broken.* Sunny... I didn't get your joke. And Samu... The only funny one was the "your moma's so old"... >> Now let's see? ... I forgot all of my jokes.
I'll
get some later.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A horse rolling in mud.
an even dirtier one?
a white horse rolling in mud.
Bad jk... hahhahaahh
lol devildude
here's one that i find amusing:
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
....So...She's a harlot or something? *Doesn't get it.* Did she kill them?! OMG! @_@ Uh...Let's see...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Hey man, why the long face?"
I forget my jokes. Plus I get the funny ones from a loser named Mike that I want to kill really badly. He hurt me the other day and I was bleeding.
The
meanie...
what's the difference with falling in a 12th floor and a 2nd floor?
12thfloor:
man: WwWwWwwwWAaaaAAaaaaaaHHhhhhhh!
boog!
2ndfloor:
man: boOg!
WwWwWwwwWAaaaAAaaaaaaHHhhhhhh!
Okay here's a joke...
If it offends anyone, please forgive me. I do not wish to offend.
Here goes...
Three holy men, a Muslim, a Buddhist, and a Christian have been arguing which one's religion is better.
They agreed to settle it in a contest of faith.
They went to a high cliff with sharp rocks at its base, and they would jump from it. Whoever survives is the winner.
The Muslim jumped first... "Allah, Allah, Allah" he prayedm but he died on the rocks below.
The Buddhist jumped next... "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he prayed, and as he was about to hit the rocks, he expertly floated up and back to the cliff.
The Catholic jumped last... "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" he prayed, but he continued to soar down to the rocks, then he too clumsily floated up and back to the cliff... praying "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha"
[O.O;;; I didn't get it...]
here's a really lame joke my friend told me at music camp.
kid no.1: mom, why was I named Rose?
the mother: that's because a rose landed on your head on the day you were born, dear.
kid no.2: mom, why was I named Daisy?
the mother: that's because a daisy landed on your head the day you were born.
kid no.3: mama, why was I named Tulip?
the mother: that's because a tulip landed on your head on the day you were born.
kid no.4: HEY MUUUM!
the mother: oh shud up Fridge!
...here's mine...I don't think it's really funny though
There was a man (let say his name was John) who died and was sent to the gates of heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
St. Peter: John, I'm afraid I can't let you in Heaven. You still have a sin that you forgot to confess before you died.
John: Then what should I do to get to Heaven?
St. Peter: Go back to the earth and give me a white chicken. Then, I will let you in Heaven.
John goes back to earth and grabs a white chicken. On his way back to St. Peter, he met his best friend Bobby who also just died. John and Bobby went to St. Peter.
St. Peter: John, you really are a good man. You brought a white chicken to me..and that's not all, you also brought a pig with you.
ok heres a perverted joke:
Lady walks into the doctors office shes says "doctor i think i'm sick"
"well, lets take your temperature through your rectum"
couple minutes later...
"uhhh...doctor. thats not my rectum..."
"thats ok. its not a thermometer"
and now for some yo mama jokes:
yo mama so fat, when she hauls ass. she has to make 2 trips.
yo mama so fat, she sweats corn oil.
Yo mama so fat, were in her right now
Yo mama so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mama so stupid, you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid, that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so fat, she got on a plane and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
Haha I like some of the yo mama jokes :p
Here's one...
The Italian who went to Malta
(must be read with an Italian accent)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I got back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He telle me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna my bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
u copied it outta readers digest didnt ya
the Italian one's good, great in fact