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rate my friggin poem!

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VagrantDreamer

VagrantDreamer

Daydreaming ...

i made this poem for my english class a while ago, just wanted to share it with you guys ^^
oh and please excuse the "..." after like every sentence >_< i dunno why but i like em ... alot ... lol

oh well heres my poem!
With a heavy conscious on my head ... and tears on my mind
I wake up ... and you are not by my side ...

This weight presses so heavy on my chest
that I cannot breathe ... I suffacate ...

Am I ready to face the day ...
to face the world ...
to face my life ... Without you?

I look inside and a broken heart I find ...
With your name and face ...
forever ingraved ...
forever cherished ...

How helpless I feel ...
How your desperate pleas ring in my mind ...
How your memory is all I have ...

I go back ... and reminisce ...

Wandering alone in this forest of memories ...

I find you ...

and my heart aches ...

Because I cannot hear you ...
Because I cannot hold you ...

My hands ... numb from not touching you ...
I quiver and yearn for the need to hold you ...

Without your light to guide me ...
I travel lost ... I travel confused ... I travel aimlessly ...
in this forest of memories ...

How my blood has turned cold and in the heat of the night I shiver ...
As the sun shines, its warmth is of no use ...
I'm still cold ...

How the sea stands still and the waves have gone silent ...
I run to the waves to find you
but I lose you to the changing tide ...

As I stare lost in a dream into the never ending sea ...
I wonder where our dream gone
I wonder where our joyful memories have gone ...
and I finally see ...
and I finally realize ...
and I finally understand ...


How deaf I am to not hear your pleas ...
How blind I am to not see your tears ...
How cruel I am to have made you cry ...
How deluded I am to believe you were happy ...

I finally see ...

How stong you are to leave ... How strong you are to follow your heart ...

as you've prolly noticed its in my siggy also ^^, least part of it

Hateful

Don't Forget Me...

depressing.. I like it! I wonder who its about?

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Proud member of The Year-of-the-Cat Group.

AngelKate

AngelKate

~*Lady Sweetness*~

Wow dude...that's really good. It kind of says how I've been feeling in some ways too. I reccommend joining Poetry-Corner here on MT if you like writing. You will find lots of great poems there and it's also a great place to share yours. :) Keep it up!

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Not really walling much anymore D: Feel free to browse my gallery, though!
Thank you for the siggy and avy, Kitten! ^_^

I like it! Very nice poem, sad ending^^

Jag[Daremo Shiranai]
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zephiris26

zephiris26

Vector Addict [TM]

All right, constructive criticism. Please don't be mad at me.
There are a lot of spelling errors and a lot of improper ellipse usage, and you could definetly improve this by using a spell-checker. A more frequent use of the shift key couldn't hurt, either.
It is depressing as stated by Hateful, but it could definitely use some improvement. It also comes off as a bit too much as teenage-angst, in my opinion. It isn't absolutely horrible, but it's not great either.
Keep practicing and you'll get better. :)
Out of curiosity, what grade did you get on this poem?

VagrantDreamer

VagrantDreamer

Daydreaming ...

i got a D because i made it the night before it was due (she gave us like a week i think) and it was sloppy and on notepad paper XD and she picked out all of those problems you've mentioned lol

T_T There are a lot of spelling errors, but other than that, it is really good. Somewhat depressing though.

Oh wow.... That peom hits the heart... T_T

It's very good. I could never come up with something like that. So I envy you. XD

melymay

melymay

Abomidable Snow-Woman

a lot of people find it depressing. i do too, but just a little. this poem makes me feel....i can't explain it.

s20, upsd | we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams
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VagrantDreamer

VagrantDreamer

Daydreaming ...

Okay heres my friggin poem after I actually used spellcheck and a shift bar XD
Abandonment

With a heavy conscious on my head,and tears on my mind
I wake up ... and you are not by my side ...

This weight presses so heavy on my chest
that I cannot breathe, I suffocate ...

Am I ready to face the day
To face the world
To face my life ... Without you?

I look inside and a broken heart I find
With your name and face ...
Forever engraved
Forever cherished ...

How helpless I feel
How your desperate pleas ring in my mind
How your memory is all I have

i go back, and reminisce ...

Wandering alone in this forest of memories ...

i find you ...

and my heart aches ...

Because I cannot hear you ...
Because I cannot hold you ...

My hands, numb from not touching you
I quiver and yearn for the need to hold you ...

Without your light to guide me ...
I travel lost, I travel confused, I travel aimlessly
In this forest of memories ...

How my blood has turned cold and in the heat of the night I shiver
As the sun shines, its warmth is of no use
I'm still cold ...

How the sea stands still and the waves have gone silent
I run to the waves to find you
But I lose you to the changing tide

As I stare lost in a dream into the never ending sea ...
i wonder where our dream has gone
I wonder where our joyful memories have gone ...
And I finally see ...
And I finally realize ...
And I finally understand ...


How deaf I am to not hear your pleas ...
How blind I am to not see your tears ...
How cruel I am to have made you cry ...
How deluded I am to believe you were happy ...

With tears of joy
I finally see ...

How strong you are to leave ...
How strong you are to follow your heart ...

reminds me of that poem from Voices of a Distant Star.

teh similarity seems with your poem as well seems be loneliness.

Depression is hard to get over.

zephiris26

zephiris26

Vector Addict [TM]

You still didn't get all the spelling mistakes.
One of the most blatant ones is conscious instead of conscience. :)

VagrantDreamer

VagrantDreamer

Daydreaming ...

heh. lol i got mixed up between the 2 ^^ thanks zeph!

Cadi

Cadi

True

Quote by VagrantDreameri got a D because i made it the night before it was due (she gave us
like a week i think) and it was sloppy and on notepad paper XD and she
picked out all of those problems you've mentioned lol


ooh.. that sucks, there is still a lot of place for improvements though..
the poem is really good, if there was a fav button I would fav itXD

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awsome sig made by kuai^^

I liked it but im not really a expert

Kumiko-H

Kumiko-H

Professional reader

Wow, very intense! How old are you again? I say that not to be mean, but some of the students I work with that are you age suck when it comes to writing (hope none of them are here???)! Very good. I like it!

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All I want to do is read all day long. Can someone tell me how I can get a job like that! LET'S LEAD THE PROFESSIONAL READERS REVOLUTION!!! Any takers???

a very depressing poem
but at the very begining i sort of lost interest for a bit
but if u continue its really good
but besides u'r spelling and grammer mistakes which u already fixed
it really good :) :)

nice poem...
i really felt emotion in that one...

If you can't see the point... get a new POV...
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Kiako

Kiako

the shadow

great poem, i like it very much

great stuff man ..i might come around and write some stuff too


...its made me sad tho that poem of yours T.T

*runs away*

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WWLAOS

DOMiT

Yeah, dude, I like ellipses ("...") too, but your poem could have done without them. If you read anything I write, you'll see at least one or two of them...(see, there's one right there!) posts on the forum, reports I write (even technical reports), e-mails...I use 'em all the time. For your poem, though, MOST of them could have been replaced by a simple line break. Instead of hitting the period key three times, just hit the return (enter) key once and keep on typin'.

Your poem wasn't "depressing," per se, just sad. Angst over loss, realizing it's your own fault, an' all that. The poem certainly has a lot of emotion, but, and this might sound odd, it could have done without some of that emotion. You sort of overdid it. I used to do that all the time, too. I don't make that mistake anymore because I don't write poetry anymore. You keep repeating the same feelings over and over with just a few changed words, it...it frankly gets too repetetive and boring. You bring up the whole feeling of being hopeless and lost, like...four times. Twice is plenty, thank you. Look into how you could slim it down by removing a few superfluous sentences. and moving some of what's left into the same stanza.

Again, it's really nice, but perhaps a bit too repetetive. It also sounds kinda weepy. Like Zephiris26 said, it comes off as more "teen angst" than actual deep emotion. Again, maybe some minor re-wording could help. I love that ending, though. Just get rid of those darned ellipses...save them for more casual conversation.

But, what do I know? I'm a physicist, not an English teacher. Take my comments as they are; merely the ramblings of someone who enjoys literature perhaps a bit more than he understands the literary process.

You see this kind of thing all the time...it invariably ends with eating people. - Dr. Dale L. Reuss

Sakura0chan

Sakura0chan

Nihongo o naraitai

Good poem. :) I feel the sadness in your poem.
Keep on practicing!! :)
Keep up the good work!

HUNCHENTOOT - The Common Lisp web server formerly known as TBNL
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Haia

Haia

:.:Dies Irae:.:

Awwwwwwwww....this is great actually. Errors here and there but really heart felt. Your a great writer man!!! Keep it up!!! Practice makes perfect!!!

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i cant believe that teacher gave a D i wouldve given it a B or maybe a A- i really like the poem

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