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Emotionally deeply distress, need help

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I have been suffering depression for 9 years.

• I always over think things, in a negative way.

• If someone is mad at me, I get angry at them so then I’m the one in control and they have to work to make me not mad at them anymore.

• I analyze everything from the last time someone smiles, to how they’re sitting in relation to me.

• If someone criticize me or says something negative to me even if it's a minor thing, it would affect and hurt me a lot mentally.

• Before I say or do anything I think about how it will be perceived by the people.

• A lot of time I’ve been told I’m looking too far into things.

For example:

A comment someone makes about me will get me thinking and asking question for weeks, and the person will say “geez, it wasn’t supposed to be such a big deal...”, or “you’re making a big deal out of nothing”.

•I know my mind is my worst enemy
My negative thoughts are irrational, but it doesn’t stop me from being hurt/upset from them.

• When I’m trying to go to sleep there are so many thoughts running through my head that I have to consciously tell my mind to stop so that I can go to sleep. Otherwise I would be up all night worrying/analyzing.

• I want to be in control of my thoughts and I don’t feel like I am at all anymore.

• Even going to a psychologist and taking anti depressant pills don't do much for me.

• I'm beginning to think I'm out of my mind and becoming increasingly crazy with all these thoughts, not to mention hearing voices all the time.

• I constantly monitor how much of this information I give to people because I don’t want to be characterized as crazy, or out-of-control of my thoughts.

• I tend to have extreme mood swings. I can be happy in one moment to feeling angry within moments. Any comments or things can set me off easily.

• I feel like I’m always trying to know what’s on a person’s mind without them telling me. I try to dig deep into their words/actions and feel like I can maybe discover something about them that even they didn’t realize, until I brought it up. But that just frustrates people because it looks like I’m over-analyzing them and it makes them feel uncomfortable.

• But at the same time I don’t like to tell people if they do something that bothers me, because I know if they stop doing that certain thing it is just because I told them I didn’t like it and not because they don’t WANT to do that thing. Ex. “Don’t laugh at me”, then they don’t do it anymore. But when we’re together I’ll just be thinking “I bet if I didn’t say anything, they’d be laughing at me right now”.

•these thoughts are getting more and more consistent to the point where it's starting to take a life on its own, and it's slowly changing the person I am. And it's only going to get worse as time goes on. Very soon I won't be me anymore.

Every day is a struggle for me being in constant battle with myself.
Pretending to appear happy to other people when I'm actually not.

Its gone far to the point where I feel disconnected with this world. Emotionally I'm starting to become
Numb towards my family and love ones.

It feels like I'm just a walking corpse without a soul and a heart incapable of love anymore. In fact this world specifically humanity disgusts me.

The human race is so selfish. People plot, plan, betray, killing each other.

I'm a complete mess!
I always picture a beautiful scenario\fantasy world in my head, where everything is peaceful with with the sound of calm water, and that's where I want to be.

I honestly don't know myself anymore, and truth to be told don't know how much longer I can go on for. :(

Steel is my body and fire is my blood. So as I pray... Unlimited Blade Works.

fireflywishes

Retired Moderator, Linguistics

fireflywishes

Calgon, take me away~!

Well, talking about it is the first step right? And you acknowledge your faults and are willing to share them publicly--- that shows a desire to change. These are all positive steps in my book.

You said you've seen a psychologist... have you only seen the same one? Maybe you could try a different one. Every doctor has their own approach.

As for your statement "The human race is so selfish. People plot, plan, betray, killing each other."

It's true the human race IS selfish... and yes, people do plot, betray, and kill each other. I'm not denying that fact. But you're just focusing on the negative. People also sacrifice, love, and care about one another too. I'm not sure what your personal life experiences have been, but your outlook makes me think that you haven't seen a whole lot of the good side of humanity.

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angelxxuan

angelxxuan

ぬいぐるみ !

greetings, as this is a long post, I will try my very best to break it down for myself and you as well so we can both try to grasp what's going on with you. I, too, have struggled with emotional problems and problems alone all my life. my bi-polar awoke earlier than expected and my schizo woke right on time, sadly. but I will state this, please do not try to do a lot of these things until you have figured out yourself further or know yourself enough. First and foremost I am against psych meds, since they have literally nearly killed me more than enough times than I can count I don't take them any more. instead I have turned to an older method, it's an eastern practice that I took up of meditating, sometimes I will sit for hours on end meditating. If you are on psych meds now and is a teenager to young adult studies have shown that they "can" make a person worse than better and adding even more meds will cause even possible life long side effects. thanks to Abilify I now have uncontrolled muscle movements. You can consult your psych med doctor about these or any concerns "don't" be afraid to ask questions, if they seem too busy to answer them, don't want to, avoid the question, so forth, then they don't really care for your well being and you should seek out another one.

As firefly mentioned there's nothing wrong with trying another therapist if the one you're using now doesn't/isn't working out for you. it's not like that is the only one, even without insurance you can still be granted a therapist, thanks to recent events and nearly all countries it is against the law to not treat a person with mental disorders, you can check your own local area for confirmation to this, I know you don't live in America (checked the profile) but you still cannot be denied treatment.

in my short life span I have been through four therapists and two doctors, thankfully I have found the right combination that works out for me, but it might take a few tries to do the same, don't give up and don't be afraid to tell a therapist everything. they are suppose to approach the situation without a side, they are suppose to listen and give advice. I was afraid the first time I told them I could hear voices, I could see things which others could not, but after awhile they would take notes, talk about things and we have become friends, to the point that I can trust telling her just about everything. I have a caring therapist I tell her things in confidence and she looks into things, like the abuse my niece was enduring, was dealt with thanks to her caring ways.

unfortunately when dealing with the human race you "must" develop an indifferent attitude so as not to go completely insane, it's not an easy task, but that's the only method to keep your mind from shutting down completely. I have an high level of empathy so when a person cries I tend to cry and/or tear up, so that I have no control over, but when a person tells me negative things, I turn it against them. I take that negative thought and I prove them wrong, there is no trying to prove them wrong I "will" prove them wrong. you must shut off your mind in order to focus thus that is why I use meditation, I started out with candle and then I found walking meditation to be my new favorite and then there are all sorts of different kinds. you have to develop this underlying moment that you "must" not let what others say get to you. you have to realize they could be trying to bully you or upset you, this is how the world works, some people feel the need to put others down to make them feel better and they aren't even realizing they are doing it, or they know they are doing it and don't care, etc. in order to close your mind, force your mind to think of a solid something. this method has worked for me for many years. quite literally force your mind to think on one topic, when it wonders force it back. think of something simple, like a math problem, a thesis, or whatever else that is away from what others put there. this may sound silly, but after awhile your mind will relax and you will be able to sleep, it may take many nights of practice but don't give up.

as I have many labels, I would strongly suggest you tell only your closest people whom you can trust that you can hear voices and so forth, trust me they probably will think you are crazy, even family members, so take caution telling them that, but don't be afraid to tell people that you aren't feeling well, that you are feeling depressed, don't list the suicidal part, if you are experiencing that, this could and probably will make matters worse. the things you do tell people not to do and they do it anyways, then allow that to be their fault, we are human after all and we are faulty to error, but I have learned to laugh with them and at my own mistakes and errors so don't be afraid to laugh at yourself as well. sure awkward laughter is strange, or hollow laughter, but I assure you, laugh and let go of what people are going to do, they are going to do it regardless, so don't be concerned about things so much. easier said than done and it took me awhile to get this way, but it is possible with dedication and patience.

you must climb out of the corner that you have backed yourself into and live free and simply live. being bothered by constant worries over things you can do nothing about, let alone things you know might/could happen, is no way to live. I have gone through so many mood swings in a day's time, alternate personalities and the likes, but you should mold yourself the way you seem fit, not the way the world/friends want you to be. due to my problems I became anti-social and turned to reading and writing, some of my better works have come about due to mental issues and mental mood changes. I'm not suggesting you to be anti-social, but there are ways of approaching this, for starters there is meditation and venture out there and get to know the real you, spend some time by yourself and get to know you.

don't be ashamed of who you are, as the mental disorder can be misdiagnosed that does not mean that it is legit in other people, if you're having a bad day and your friends are getting to you, then tell them, if they are your real friends they will understand. it took me a long time to find true friends that understand me, for me, and even sometimes they have trouble with it, but they deal each and every day with me as each and every day is different for me. I hope that this is of some help to you and don't hesitate to ask for more help, as this is long I am truly sorry for that, but I hope some of it is helpful to you. there is this post and my guestbook and even private message if you wish to talk further. I can only help so much, it is the person dealing with the disorder that has to tie all the pieces together, even if that means forcing the pieces of the puzzle in if they don't want to fit just right.

BuBbLeS!


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Legionary

Legionary

Ramen Loving

I ain't much for talking about personal things, especially on this forum, but there's a few things I can say based on my own experiences. :P

- I think you mention a lot of things that you can't just say 'I'm not going to do this anymore.' Each and every time you find yourself doing something you don't want to do you have to confront it, but also realize it's part of your illness and accept that there are some times when the stress can be too much and when you need help or time to collect yourself.

- Just unloading on someone any time you feel the need is a bit unreasonable, imo.
Honestly, unless someone's been there, they won't understand at all and you have to just accept that; don't get angry or end friendships because of it, you know?
There's a time and place to discuss problems, and specific people to do it with. Try an 'Emotions Anonymous' meeting or group therapy or single therapy.

- the doctor can't read your mind: you have to tell him/her what you want and what's going on. if the medication's not working, tell him that, if you want to try something new (there are other treatments beside medication, though admittedly more extreme) you have to say so.

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"I wish the real world would just stop hassling me" - MB20

First things first. Value yourself more. The things that you think or feel, they ARE a part of you, its who you are. I've found that we need something to look foward to, when things are hard, and lets face it, thats almost everyday.
Watch anime eveyday, to calm down and forget about the events of that day?
Everyone's different. and you would know whats best for you.

i understand how you feel. I honestly do. i can't even explain to you how much.

Also it can be hard to talk about things with a perfect stranger (psychologist) i'm sure you have friends who love and care for you (if you think you don't. LOOK.) Try talking to them, just little things if that's easier for you. Sometimes that makes a world of difference.

And hey, if you EVER need to talk to someone, you're more than welcome to PM me!
I'll do anything i can do to help you.

I don't even know why i chose this username, my names not even Lucy...

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