Is there any hope for me left or should I just end it?

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Been immigrants my family traveled to Sydney, Australia via small boats during the war.

I had a very rough childhood growing up. My dad left my mum after I was born. A guy moved in with us (me, my sister, & mum).

He was an alcoholic, & became very aggressive towards my mum. Many times I've witness him hitting, & threatening to kill her with a knife. Being a kid, I was powerless at the time.

Because of him & the given circumstances, we moved around a lot & I ended up changing no less than 10 different schools. Thankfully he left for good, after so many years.

It was hard for me to settle down in a school. Because of that, my education & social life suffered a lot. I started to get myself back on track in high school, until the bullying began.

I'm a generally small guy & being the only few Asians there, I was often the target for bullies. Never the less, I manage to complete high school but it was during this time was when my depression really began.

I became anti social, suicidal, & at one point completely shut off my emotions to the rest of the world. I stayed & lock myself in my room, and would feel very nervous or anxious from even just stepping outside the house.

I eventually tried to pull myself back together & enrolled myself in an I.T course. It was during this time where I started to feel comfortably to socialize myself with people again, and I was able to make a lot of new friends at the Tafe course. I ended up befriending a girl & became very good friends with her due to having the same interests and hobbies. I confess my feelings towards her, but got rejected & she ended up hating me, and telling everyone at Tafe that I'm obsess with her. Everyone, including friends there followed her suite, also hated me, belittling me with name callings and insults, reminiscence to my high school years.

I was mortified, and couldn't deal with it. I attempted suicide by overdosing on several medications. But I was discovered by my family members, and they took me to the hospital just on time. I considered maybe this is my second chance at life.

With the support from them I tried to move on with life. I opened up to my family about my depression and started seeing mental health doctors, with them putting me on anti depressant medications to help me cope with my depression.

I ended up joining a Martial Arts club. The situation there was similar to the experience I had at Tafe. I made a lot of good friends and became very close to the people there. It was one of the happiest times I felt in my life. But because of my mental conditions, I sometimes have small outbursts, and them finding out that I suffer from depression. Everyone decided to distance themselves, slowly to the point where no one wants to have anything to do with me. I was eventually kicked out of the club.

Even my second cousins are exhibiting the same behavior towards me, because of my conditions. I feel so alone, having to force myself to live everyday through pain, putting on a fake smile.

I ended trying to overdose again just November last year, but somehow survived.

I'm turning 23, and I see myself having no future. I tried really hard to go on, but truthfully I'm mentally & physically exhausted after all these years. Having been abandon by friends & people that I thought would be there for me. I'm starting become anti social again, & coming close to shutting out my emotions completely.

I feel very lost, bitter, anger & honestly don't know how much longer I can cope. The thought of suicide crosses my head 24/7 & I'm very close to giving up with life again.


I don't know what to do with myself anymore... Is there any hope for me left?

Steel is my body and fire is my blood. So as I pray... Unlimited Blade Works.

Dreadwave

Dreadwave

Hunter of snark bait.

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Are you truly willing to cause your immediate family grief just to let go? I know this isn't much of a condolence post but we all have our own advantages and disadvantages all we can do is adapt and move forward in whatever direction that happens to be in.


I guess I have an advantage over most people. At least I know I'm not getting a happy ending.Signature Image

SnickerdoodleNinja

Moderator

SnickerdoodleNinja

Snicker-Logical

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There's always hope left.

Everyone has something different in life that keeps them going - goals, something to look forward to, etc. For me, it's being a Christian long term, but shorter term I also have goals of jobs, college, etc. Find something that gives you a goal and something to aim for, and don't quit. If you find something you really love or want, then you won't mind going through a lot of pain to get it. Maybe in finding a passion you can find others who share it that will be genuine and caring - believe me, they exist! Also find someone to confide in and talk to, whether it's someone you know in person or someone on the internet who might have similar problems. I haven't looked, but if I had to guess I would say there are many other people who know what you're going through. Whatever you do, just don't give up! There's no turning back once you choose to end things, but there are always more chances in life if you give them a try.

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There's a skinny girl who lives inside of me that's trying to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies.
"Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt before. Live like there's no tomorrow."

fireflywishes

Retired Moderator, Linguistics

fireflywishes

Calgon, take me away~!

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Have you sought professional help or some kind of support group? That can be the first step in reaching out again and forming bonds with others... sometimes being able to talk with others in similar circumstances without judgement is very healing.

Agreed with everyone else that suicide is not the answer. To be quite honest it's the cowardly way... and I'm going to venture a guess that you're no coward. Some of the strongest people I know now, got dealt some really crappy cards early on in their lives. But they were able to pull themselves through it-- some of what helped them was a change in scenery. One friend I know moved away from his family because they were a source of his pain. Sometimes you've got to cut ties with toxic people in your life if you don't want the same thing to keep happening. Other friends who were looking for meaning in their lives traveled, or volunteered.

But in the end, the choice is really yours to make. As cliche as it sounds, change begins with you.

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Angi

Retired Moderator

Angi

But it is not this day!

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Seeing the times you have tried to suicide yourself, seems that there is a purpose for you to still be alive.
Agrees with Snicker and Firefly, everyone finds its purpose in life sooner or later, there must be something you love to do and could work to keep that bad thoughts out you.
Problems never are bigger than us, we are given the problems we can handle, why? because there are lessons to be learned, and better things to come after that. There is always hope, be strong and don't give up!

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This day we fight!

renlilica

renlilica

BEAUTIFUL! >.<

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Don't be stupid enough to commit suicide, it may seem like the best way for the moment, but you'll regret it, after you die. there is so much more that life has to offer and if you commit suicide you'll never have a chance to experience them. I might be a little late commenting but I'll encourage you to hang in there.

YOU'RE LOVED DEARLY!

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