Been immigrants my family traveled to Sydney, Australia via small boats during the war.
I had a very rough childhood growing up. My dad left my mum after I was born. A guy moved in with us (me, my sister, & mum).
He was an alcoholic, & became very aggressive towards my mum. Many times I've witness him hitting, & threatening to kill her with a knife. Being a kid, I was powerless at the time.
Because of him & the given circumstances, we moved around a lot & I ended up changing no less than 10 different schools. Thankfully he left for good, after so many years.
It was hard for me to settle down in a school. Because of that, my education & social life suffered a lot. I started to get myself back on track in high school, until the bullying began.
I'm a generally small guy & being the only few Asians there, I was often the target for bullies. Never the less, I manage to complete high school but it was during this time was when my depression really began.
I became anti social, suicidal, & at one point completely shut off my emotions to the rest of the world. I stayed & lock myself in my room, and would feel very nervous or anxious from even just stepping outside the house.
I eventually tried to pull myself back together & enrolled myself in an I.T course. It was during this time where I started to feel comfortably to socialize myself with people again, and I was able to make a lot of new friends at the Tafe course. I ended up befriending a girl & became very good friends with her due to having the same interests and hobbies. I confess my feelings towards her, but got rejected & she ended up hating me, and telling everyone at Tafe that I'm obsess with her. Everyone, including friends there followed her suite, also hated me, belittling me with name callings and insults, reminiscence to my high school years.
I was mortified, and couldn't deal with it. I attempted suicide by overdosing on several medications. But I was discovered by my family members, and they took me to the hospital just on time. I considered maybe this is my second chance at life.
With the support from them I tried to move on with life. I opened up to my family about my depression and started seeing mental health doctors, with them putting me on anti depressant medications to help me cope with my depression.
I ended up joining a Martial Arts club. The situation there was similar to the experience I had at Tafe. I made a lot of good friends and became very close to the people there. It was one of the happiest times I felt in my life. But because of my mental conditions, I sometimes have small outbursts, and them finding out that I suffer from depression. Everyone decided to distance themselves, slowly to the point where no one wants to have anything to do with me. I was eventually kicked out of the club.
Even my second cousins are exhibiting the same behavior towards me, because of my conditions. I feel so alone, having to force myself to live everyday through pain, putting on a fake smile.
I ended trying to overdose again just November last year, but somehow survived.
I'm turning 23, and I see myself having no future. I tried really hard to go on, but truthfully I'm mentally & physically exhausted after all these years. Having been abandon by friends & people that I thought would be there for me. I'm starting become anti social again, & coming close to shutting out my emotions completely.
I feel very lost, bitter, anger & honestly don't know how much longer I can cope. The thought of suicide crosses my head 24/7 & I'm very close to giving up with life again.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore... Is there any hope for me left?
